goodluck out thereeeee

new sem is knockinggggg!

i really hope luck is on my side for this new sem....really3 needed it >.<"

sathukkkkkk

____/\____

song that always bring me through...always

"You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me"

~Cher~

Feeling broken

Barely holding on

But there's just something so strong

Somewhere inside me

And I am down but I'll get up again

Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking

But I can take it

I'll be back

Back on my feet

This is far from over

You haven't seen the last of me

You haven't seen the last of me

They can say that

I won't stay around

But I'm gonna stand my ground

You're not gonna stop me

You don't know me

You don't know who I am

Don't count me out so fast

I've been brought down to my knees

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking

But I can take it

I'll be back

Back on my feet

This is far from over

You haven't seen the last of me

There will be no fade out

This is not the end

I'm down now

But I'll be standing tall again

Times are hard but

I was built tough

I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of

I've been brought down to my knees

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking

But I can take it

I'll be back

Back on my feet

This is far from over

I am far from over

You haven't seen the last of me

No no

I'm not going nowhere

I'm staying right here

Oh no

You won't see me begging

I'm not taking my bow

Can't stop me

It's not the end

You haven't seen the last of me

Oh no

You haven't seen the last of me

You haven't seen the last of me

risau, depress and really really need to do this

it's a very crucial time of sem, FINAL...

and i can't find any strength left to do this SOOCA...goshhhh where my semangat gone?

xde semangat sangat2!!

nak tdo xlena, bgn pun murung...sbb depressed then can't even do anything because of worries...

see human. how powerful your mind is...see

i can't do a thing until i get my brain, my mind right...but how?

God, show me ways...why i'm so down?

so scared?

so negative?

goshhhh

please help me....only You can give me strength...only You...sathuk~

be a person of values

there are many types of students on earth....

you can choose one to be....

let's take few examples...

1) Students of Values

this kind...is a student who studies, seeking for knowledge, try to apply and help others around...

like Patch Adam said "I find myself get what i want faster when i help others getting what they want"

This kind of student is selfless, helping and share....

This is the hardest kind to find....

2) Students of Seeking, and Determine

this type is determine and never let their goals slip their hands...

this type is most intelligence of all, but might be less of values...they tend to not share, tend to not helping other people because they think winning is only for one person, only one person can go to the final line...they urge for credits and fame...they love winning, competition and might not really like you if you do better...

3) Students of Procrastinating and Leisure

this kind, tend to sigh, regret and procrastinate.....they procrastinate due to the procrastination itself...

this kind tend to be lazy, proud and lack of motivation...

this kind might search for advises but tend to ignore it...

this kind is the hardest to deal....they learn like a full glass and tend to not listen...

no matter what type, no one is sticking to one type forever....it might be phases....

Ghandi said 'Too sure of one's own wise is never a good thing"

so no matter who we are...let's be humble, helping people and try to be better....

too selfish, too selfless is never a good thing...

"Let's walk in the middle road" -Buddha-

Beautiful....

"Lay Your Hands"

by Simon Webbe

Sometimes life can be a burden 
Trine stay one step ahead 
I feel the world upon my shoulder each time
I'm standing out on the edge 
And my hopes have all deserted me
Like they washed away in the sand
And it's hurting my pride 
Trine survive 
But i know i stand a chance

When you lay your hands 
Oh yeah
`Caus it's the only thing I have that still makes sense 
(Oh baby, when I`m calling out) 
Give me love and affection,
Keep telling me, show me the way.
(Oh, if you see me falling down)
Lift me up from the shadows
Will you take me away to a better place?
(And when I`m in my darkest hour)
You`re by my side, to turn the tide,
Until the suffering fades.
When life is getting me down,
Getting me down, i`m close to defeat,
Come and lay ur hands on me.

Feel this road is getting longer now 
And i`m too far away from home 
Still I gotta keep on moving on 
But I can`t do it on my own 
Baby keep my head above water 
Help me swim for my life
`Coz the game is getting harder 
The strain is gettin stronger 
And I can only face the fight 

When you lay your hands 
Oh yeah
`Coz it`s the only thing I have that still makes sense

`Til I`m healed again,
Rediscovered my strengths,
Those bitter blues are gone...
Oh, gone...

Come and lay your hands on me.

expired?

when there is happy moment...i tend to think of it's expiring date....

and same goes to sad moment...

so, it will expired isn't it?

everything?

how long?

just...wish those happy moment stay and those sad ones rotten and fade away....

too selfish am i?

i just wish all of us will stay happy...like this....always~

let in let out let go

before as a kid...i used to be this little naive girl who just let everyone in and made friends with everybody on earth because i thought human are suppose to be friends...

then i grew up in this little school who taught me that human are nothing like that...

then i grew up even more somewhere far from home and i see, owh actually if you met the right one your life won't be so bad...

and then now i know, not everyone that you let in, gonna make you their world, and same goes to your own self....

it's the hardest thing to see who's right and who's wrong for you....so the key is to let in and try...

and don't keep hope so high because those who make you happy will eventually from time to time make you sad too...

so i try, i let people in, not as much as my 'naive' time...but still i let them in....

and i think, i try and i live along....

 the true one shall stay, wrong one shall gone by time,...

so i let go the feeling of belongings...

i let that feeling go...

the feeling of someone is belong to me...

no...no more..

i belong to no one and no one is belong to me...

this way of life is simpler and less hurt....but yeah, at the end of the day you tend to find yourself have exactly no one true by your side...but at least no fake one too....

oh God....

my mind...one side is thinking bout exams that's coming in the next 9 days....yeah 9 freaking days left! >.< 

and another side, thinking bout procrastinating, lazy, giving up. so hard to start, and all those negative stuff that won;t make myself study...urghhhh

really sick of these feelings!

when am i gonna get it that i'm the only one who can safe myself from darkness, no one is coming to take me to the bright side, if i can't bring myself there, then, i;m not gonna get there....

Phrak ei...chuai che duai....sathukkkk

why am i so hopeless? ;(((

till when u gonna be a loser?

till when u gonna be a loser sumy?

control your mind!

don't make every day goes by so hard by searching for reasons to not be happy!

and just make yourself study please!

that's your purpose of being here...not trolling around, having heavy feelings, care, feeling bad or what so ever time consuming useless things!

gosh!

get back to your sense!

why are u so lost?!

it's that hard to study?

don't you want this? 

don't you love this?

environment?

no, nothing to blame here....you know...environment never affecting any of you study behaviour before, why now?

why care?

why bother?

why put other's mood on yourself?

there is time you need to wake up and be happy on your own...

people have their up and down time...

and you can't be responsible for every down or up of them...

and you?

yeah, when u have your up and down, do you think people even care?

you are always 'fly alone', lone ranger or what ever they call it right?

so why bother attaching?

WAKE UP!

stop feels too much, stop cares too much!

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

do your stupid studying and get there!

pass the exams!

sumy seriously

sumy seriously?! since when your happiness is based on others?

since when??!!

urghhhh 

come back to your sense!

you can do this!

yeah, drifted away by that much!!

urghhhh

STUPID?!

omg omg omg what have i done to myself?!

shit!

ok sorry for that~ ;pp

thank God for today....all of sudden, i feel like i'm fully awake!

so much to study sumy!

and still keep on 'layaning' feelings and people who just as stress as you and they create their own pollution...and you are so involved...goshhh since when ko kisah dunia nie??

STUDY SAYANG STUDY!

GOSHHHHH

study pleaseeeee!!!

keep your head clear!!!

pleaseee

study!

20 DAYS TO GO!

chayok!!!!! >.<

lega

whenever i call my mum...she'll know exactly what i feel from my voice in the phone...

and when i say i'm stress...

she'll always know it's not about studying...

not that i'm that good...but she knows how much i love learning and never curse the knowledge for being too hard to understand...

she knows i have very least interest in human relation...

and all she said is...those who give you problem won't give you grads cert or 4.0 or pass the sooca...

it's you who will bring yourself there...so, don't bother making them creating your results...

focus on studies...

because this kind of relation stuff will pass but your result stays forever...

thank you Ama..

i feel so much better talking to you...

even it's not much but it feels so relieved...

not that she asks me to be selfish...or being so focus on goal kind of person...

but she said sometimes, this kind of problem is just so little but your brain tend to make it big...

because we got emotional...

emotional always win to those who never think...

Ama...i wish i can be home...just sit there...that's it...my strength just came back again~

what it feels like?

what it feels like to be;

good

bad

smart

stupid

rich

poor

pretty

ugly

under dog

popular

friends

strangers

religious

rebelling

discipline

messy

clean

awesome

fun

boring

introvert

extrovert

sick

healthy

full

hungry

following

managing

nervous

failing

successful

on top

totally at the bottom?

all of these conditions or feeling will always come and go...

for a while you might feel 10 of them in a very happy side and another time it's totally different...

so what it takes to accept all of these and not being angry, disappointing and giving up? 

or maybe too happy that you forget to pray or be thankful to God?

human is such a weak creature....

we have minds that control everything...how we feel how we act

and most of the time, after thinking plus personality traits, a person will act based on what they think is right...

but in another person, it might be completely out of mind or inappropriate or can be totally inspired...

human are weak...

a weak creature that change their minds everyday...

how to be consistent?

how to be alert and being able to rule out the wrongs most of the time...

like the wise always say 'Mind is a powerful tool in livings'

can't deny any of those words...

but here comes the hardest part; the Default System...

every person was born with Default System of the Mind based on lessons, 

or experience throughout their lives, 

so how to control your Default System? 

so that it can be changed and a person shall n act differently...

that's the GOAL!

most of successful people were being able to change that...

let's say his Default Sytem is Laziness...

so he practiced and changed that habit into Hardworking and just bammm!

he succeeded...

so it's a prime Goal isn't to change your Default System?

customize it from time to time to create a better one...

so...let's just keep practicing...

because your brain somehow save Default System based on what you do daily...aka; Memory

so if you're hardworking in daily basis, so, that will be your Default System...

so let's practice....

let's do it right~

there is nothing left to try

fragile

if it's that fragile...then it's time to let it go sumy...stop...stop trying so hard

just let it go...

it's too fragile...that's meant it's never a thing or it's just a pretend...

if it's not making you happy then let it go....

i can bet on my head that this weekend will turn out awful and indeed it does...

i don't know where went wrong but it just won't go right...

i try my best to do everything as right as possible but things just won't go the way it should...

i'm done grabbing it in my hands if it's meant to fly away...

broken stuff sometime is not meant to be repaired...

i'll just stay where i am and be who i am and wish people the best...

i'm here in competition with no one...because i know where i came from...

i study...i try....if it's turned out good then it's my lucks, if it's not then it's my bad...

yours turned out good or bad...better or worse than mine, trust me i've never put that in my mind...

your life is yours to race...not mine to race or judge or envy...

i live by side of Buddha which He always thought me to be in the middle, race with no one but oneself,

and shall always wish other people good...

i don't know why things turn out this way, why our time never match, why you can't bring yourself to understand me and why i can't understand you...i don't know...

i have no strength to think about all of these stuffs and still studying and doing my things...i can't 

i have to let one of them go...

and i choose to let you go...

maybe you need some space to hate me all you want...

maybe you need time to curse me and blame me for everything...

maybe for me being poor, lazy and not a good listener...

i do...i admit that i do...and will always be that way...

because the person you seek in me is not me...but trust me i try...

i try so many times to live up to your expectation...but it won't last...because human will never have enough...

if i pretend today...i will have to pretend forever...

which bring us no fair...

and i don't want that...

i love you...i will always do...

and there is no use i'm writing it here without telling you...

but i'm tired of being there...always have to seek n be there...

i just so tired of trying already...

i won't promise i won't try again...but seems like trying today is too much...

so i let it go...

i'm letting you go...

holding you too tight might have suffocated you...

so i'm letting you go...love...be happy...

for these few time ahead, i'm tired and i won't try...i just wish i still can smile in front of you...

i'm so sorry~

lovely

รักเคยพัดผ่านมา แล้วลับลาดั่งลม

ทิ้งเพียงความขื่นขมอยู่ในใจ

เฝ้ารอใครสักคน เมื่อสายลมพัดมาใกล้

อาจเจอใครสักคนที่ไม่ผ่านเลย

เพียงสายลมแผ่วๆ ทำให้ใจสั่นๆ

เธอคนนั้นเหมือนคนในฝันของใจ

เพียงสายตาตรงกัน ทำให้ใจไหวๆ

อยากจะรักอีกครั้งได้ไหม ฮึมๆ

สายลมแห่งรักพัดมา ขอจงอย่าพารักไป

อย่าพัดให้เธอ ห่างไกลให้เราห่างกัน

หากลมได้ยินหัวใจ ขอจงเมตตาบ้างสักครั้ง

ให้รักได้อยู่คู่กัน ให้เธอได้อยู่คู่ฉันตลอดไป

หัวใจที่ขาดรัก เหมือนฟ้าที่ขาดดาว

ทุกค่ำคืนเงียบเหงาและอ้างว้าง

ได้เจอเธอวันนี้ เหมือนดังปาฏิหาริย์

ฟ้าบันดาลให้รักมาเกิดกลางใจ

เพียงสายลมแผ่วๆ ทำให้ใจสั่นๆ

เธอคนนั้นเหมือนคนในฝันของใจ

เพียงสายตาตรงกัน ทำให้ใจไหวๆ

อยากจะรักอีกครั้งได้ไหม ฮึมๆ

สายลมแห่งรักพัดมา ขอจงอย่าพารักไป

อย่าพัดให้เธอ ห่างไกลให้เราห่างกัน

หากลมได้ยินหัวใจ ขอจงเมตตาบ้างสักครั้ง

ให้รักได้อยู่คู่กัน ให้เธอได้อยู่คู่ฉันตลอดไป

สายลมแห่งรักพัดมา ขอจงอย่าพารักไป

อย่าพัดให้เธอ ห่างไกลให้เราห่างกัน

หากลมได้ยินหัวใจ ขอจงเมตตาบ้างสักครั้ง

ให้รักได้อยู่คู่กัน ให้เธอได้อยู่คู่ฉันตลอดไป

ให้รักได้อยู่คู่กัน ให้เธอได้อยู่คู่ฉันตลอดไป

impossible week

hopeless, impossible and useless week ever...

i'm like a sail without direction...

i don't know what to do, thinking bout stuffs, worries and even let myself being bothered by useless issues...

panic attack? yeah, i think i about to lose it...i can't grab on it...

how am i suppose to survive this?

it's an impossible week...most impossible one...

my works all  are lagging behind, i've never been this useless...

God...

what's wrong?

where is my direction?

if this continues, i'm gonna lose it...

goshhhh 

help me~

money is fuel

various time i asked myself, should i just pack my stuff and go back?

it's getting to me now that i burden her so much...

money is like fuel here...

you can;t study with no money...

you need money to keep your notes coming, need money so that your brain can be fed,

you need money so that you can live on...internet, water everything...

goshhhh i just hope money falls down from the sky!

i can't ask more from ama...she has been putting up with me enough....

business? 

i'm thinking about it...

but time to read or live also i can barely got good grasp on it...how to leap?

God...the stress get to me...

 i can't bring myself to be ease to study at night...

so stressful...

if i made it to the end...i shall never forget these days that i can't even think of a snack...

because i don't have money to buy that...

God, give me strength...

give me strength...

give me strength...

life is just...so hard, cold and dark sometimes...

Bless me n my mum God...

we just wanna make it to the end...

my selfishness? i will never forgive myself for this...never!

there is no more selfish from now on...

this things must bring good things later on...

lives must be saved, spared and treated well...

yes, i'm making a promise here...

not out of anger, frustrated, stress or sadness, but out of me...

i must do good one day...help me get to that day God...and let money be the last thing

i'm gonna think about then...

hardship shall not be faced by any human on earth...

because it's the most cruel thing on earth...

most cruel~

Gravity

"Gravity"

by John Mayer

Gravity is working against me

And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh I'll never know what makes this man

With all the love that his heart can stand

Dream of ways to throw it all away

Oh, gravity is working against me

And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh twice as much ain't twice as good

And can't sustain like one have could

It's wanting more

That's gonna send me to my knees

Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me

Oh gravity has taken better men than me (how can that be?)

Just keep me where the light is

Just keep me where the light is

Just keep me where the light is

C'mon keep me where the light is

C'mon keep me where the light is

C'mon keep me where keep me where the light is 

.....................

non toxic

i wanna a non toxic relation....

how to have that with you?

i really really have no idea...

we will always stuck in this and regret it later...

how to solve it?

just how?

no trust left

that look in our eyes when we look at each other...that look that we both know,

we don't have trust towards each other anymore...

that look that it's killing but still i can't fix mine and neither can you...

so....what now?

how to life like this?

don't hate me

"Don't look at me like i'm done learning and i'm your competitors, 

i'm still a learner and will always be; 

religion, life, science....

i'm still a very learner for all those aspects, 

let's learn with me, 

don't hate me...

let's learn together, 

we'll pass through this together...please"

i need 'my person'

i need 'my person'....

i don't know all of sudden i'm just so envy of those who have 'their person'...

you know, someone u text every night before sleep...

saying good morning and asking bout lunch...

not really a guy...nope...just 'my person'

someone you gonna ask, "it's ok if i date that guy" that kind of person...

but most of the time...

the one i opened up to, are already involved....

sadness of life, of my life...

i never really have 'my person' on my own...

they are always better off with someone else...

and it occurs to me that; shall i change the way i think?

the way i think that this person shall belong to that and that shall belong to this...

and i can't see whom i belong to...

just...never seem to have one...

maybe i'm too used to being alone that i can't fit into any 'person' relationship...

i just wish that i'll have one too...

but that's only if God allows...

maybe He knows better...

maybe i'm too often letting go that i don't deserve any....

but to let go is the hardest part...

and only God knows how hard that is...

but still, how can i restrain someone to me when clearly some else can make them happier...

i just...don't think i can make them happy...

i don't have confident in that kind of thing...really...

just God...i feel really thankful i have You...at least, You will always listen to my prayers...sathuk

i'll let this go

maybe you realized that you need to make it up to her....

or maybe you need someone to be there...

whatever you do, or do it out of...i shall let this go...

i shall care less...yeah i should...why i do i even bother?

i shall let this go...

i shall let this go...

i shall let this go...

and yeah i'm trying to wish you well...

but you seem to hunt me down everyday...

you put me as someone you wanna compete with which i'm so tired of that...

you used to be in my prayers...but now you seem to appear more in my curse...

and i feel so bad that i could kill myself...

but yeah...

i shall let this go...

i shall let this go...

i shall let this go....

this is not my place to be having rights to hate, to like, or to choose...

this place is dirty with money and prides,

where people don;t say sorry anymore...

where people feel ashamed to say thank you n sorry...

i disgusted myself for being here but still i have to...

i have to...

i have to...

because the main goal is to be able to grads...

that's it...

that's it...

that's it...

stop putting me through miseries....

stop trying to hurt me...

stop putting me through miseries...

stop seeking things that i can't give you....

DO YOU THINK I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MISERIES IN MY LIFE?

i have enough....enough that my life is always on the line that you don't even know about it...

you're so used to have everything in life that u can't make yourselves lose one....

and try to hurt me....

i barely have things in life...

stop hurting me and look around you...

you have enough too...

stop seeking, stop being greedy, stop trying to get love or attention...you have it all...

so perfect, so complete that you don't even know...

don't try to make my life worse...because it's already is...

and you don't know about it...

i'm tired of fighting you back...

because the last thing i want is you getting hurt....

stop putting me through miseries....

stop....

biarla nie jadi doa

"You are a person who will contemplate and reflect upon your past experiences. That’s why you know how to take advices and apply them to your work, which allows you to achieve your goal quickly. You want to create a bright future. You will meet a new friend who is reliable and supportive, and take you to new opportunities. In the learning aspect, you make bold assumptions and hypotheses that you will prove them right without any doubt. You are able to manipulate new knowledge to improve learning efficiency. As a result, you will have successful outcomes as well as good test score. Your wish may come true. You will have a smooth future path."

i'm tht kind....

i'm that kind of person who trust action more than words,

i see value of a person more than their appearance,

i tend to listen to 'real' laughter more than the fake ones...

i see tears not just from the victims, but there are tears of guilt...

i believe an old book is always better than the new ones...because of them, we get the ideas for new ones

i don't see 24 hours together make true love...

i don't see sincerity and attitude comes from money, appearance or high power...

i'm just....me...

i see world that way...

it's hard to put up with me cause i hate shallow thinking...

not that i'm better...but society sometimes need to wake up...

i don't respect those who judge things from appearance, money and status....

i'm just me...

i'm just me...

i'm just me...

i don't have many people in my life....

i don't make friends easily...

i don't fall easily...

i don't trust easily...

i'm just me....

i have principles...and i love to stick to it....

there are rooms for love, fun, happiness as long as they're true...

don't mess around with me...

because you're messing with the whole system...

i believe...i'm just me....

those day...those songs

"Fix You"

by Coldplay

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face

And I...

Tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face

And I...

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

UTS comingggg

semester goes by so fast that now all of us will go through UTS...ujian tengah semester...

only God knows how nervous, worried and scared i am...

one whole system of EMS (endocrine) will be tested in the exam...

plus CRP, PHOP, and BHP...epidemiology, public health and bioethics...

God, ease me through this exam God...and let me and my friends pass all these papers...

God..help us~

it's so hard to find "my person"

 will i have chance to have at least one person to be my person?

they always come and go...

they always search for a better one when i'm actually right there in front of them...

maybe being too nice and pleasing always push people away because human are like that...they search for the one that is not searching for them...

and when i bailed...why are you searching me back?

when i'm there why you treated me like trash?

why people are so cruel?

just so tired of being there...

stop texting me like i mean the world to you when you're actually just so bored over there...

my study type...

kena atas batang hidung...hahaha sape suruh jawab benda2 psychology nih;pp

my study type:

You Are Intellectual :)

You don't really like to study; you like to learn. You prepare for tests sort of naturally. You aren't one to memorize lots of facts. You just tend to remember what is interesting - and you find a lot interesting. 

You tend to feel unprepared for most tests you take, but you end up doing a lot better than you expect. You're not the type to learn something for a few weeks only to forget it later. 

When you learn, you learn for life.

Like A Star

so...you know you love someone when you can't stand to see them hurting...

i love you people....

my altatayan group...

hope God bless us all...

"Like A Star"

Just like a star across my sky,

Just like an angel off the page,

You have appeared to my life,

Feel like I'll never be the same,

Just like a song in my heart,

Just like oil on my hands,

Honour to love you

Still I wonder why it is,

I don't argue like this,

With anyone but you,

We do it all the time,

Blowing out my mind,

You've got this look I can't describe,

You make me feel like I'm alive,

When everything else is au fait,

Without a doubt you're on my side,

Heaven has been away too long,

Can't find the words to write this song,

Oh...

Your love,

Still I wonder why it is,

I don't argue like this,

With anyone but you,

We do it all the time,

Blowing out my mind,

Now I have come to understand,

The way it is,

It's not a secret anymore,

'cause we've been through that before,

From tonight I know that you're the only one,

I've been confused and in the dark,

Now I understand,

I wonder why it is,

I don't argue like this,

With anyone but you,

I wonder why it is,

I wont let my guard down,

For anyone but you

We do it all the time,

Blowing out my mind,

Just like a star across my sky,

Just like an angel off the page,

You have appeared to my life,

Feel like I'll never be the same,

Just like a song in my heart,

Just like oil on my hands

so many words

few things going on in my head lately...

and these things are trying so hard to take me off my goals...

GOALS?

yeahhhh bla bla bla...but seriously, we live our life thinking we need to be happy so we don't even wanna spend a day struggling...but struggling is essential...because at the end of the day, that's what you counted on...

i hate to say that for me...the step of 'stick to it' is hard to carry on...

i am totally capable of distraction....

entertainment...

friends...

people...

life management...

that make it so hard for me to focus...

of course it's none of their fault...

it's me...

why am i so easily distracted?

why i let myself be distracted?

it's nearly exam now and look at what i already know now...yeah not so much!

goshhh bring yourselves together sumy!

just stick to it...please! >.<

when i'm thinking about it...

 "Surgeon can't be lazy, the risks are too great, the seconds we stop pushing ourselves, something terrible happens, something we never see it's coming" _Grey's_

well, all the words above doesn't say anything wrong....every each of the word is true...not just for a surgeon but for everyone...we can't stop pushing ourselves....and here i am...being lazy all day and focus on something emergency but not something important...that's one thing about me joining organization...i tend to care more about that because i'm not good at it...well, that doesn't mean i'm good at academic stuff but i feel safe there...just feel more secure reading Moore's than doing poster or doing fundraising haha okayyy i'm gonna go hit myself with some readings now...just for the love of God, please give me peace and ease for my study...i'm so sick of worrying that it makes me lazy and unproductive! urghhhhh >.<

life.update.thinking

hey there bloggers!

quite sometime i'm not updating my blog yea?

hmmmm

so today i feel like typing my heart out! ;pp

been a busy, tiring and confusing week for me, owh scary too! why? we'll get to that...

study wise, hmmm so far so good...i just still feel like a directionless sail...

still figure out what and which to do, to figure out and to plan next...haihhhh

normal...

book, papers, presentation, friends, money and fooddddd

yeah, i have to put food as one of the things i'm thinking and trying about...why?

haha normal issue for me; weight gain >.<

skip that~~~~~

i was bathing just now, and as people say, you often thinking of something new, or getting ideas from there

so do i today...

all of sudden, i'm asking myself, what is my purpose in life?

what do i want?

who i wanna become?

 and am i closer to that?

as i live, now for 23 years...i don't feel like i'm growing...or developing...

i need to develop...like errr more knowledge, more perspective in life, more goals and missions...

i'm just recently....so much going with the flow that i forget what i want, or what i should be doing...

they say people can get lost sometime....

now i feel that way...

feel tired, unorganized, scared, and sensitive....

maybe this is hormone talking (one of the reasons i hate being born as a woman),

but still, i'm thinking about it....

i barely pray....

i barely have real talk with my mum now,

i don't text my friends,

and i'm not focus with tasks in hands...

what am i doing?

why am i so lost?

why am i so distracted from reality?

what happen inside my head?

then i think...think...and think again....

maybe i'm too attached to the world...

when i say world, i means people around...

maybe i'm trying too hard to keep up with the pace and forget what i actually needed to do...

i think so...

maybe i should start with prayers,

calling home, get in touch with friends and try to focus and not running away from my responsibility...

it's okay to get scared right? it's healthy...

well thanks to those who let me walk alone...thanks to those who made me do group jobs on my own...

the stress, whatever that won't kill me make me stronger...

maybe it's time for me to admit i need helps...

maybe it's time for me to contact the world...

yeah...it's time for me to try and get out of my comfort zone...

who say i'll get nothing in return? 

i get to fight, i get to learn, i get to grow and be more positive about life...

people all around me are just like me...there're human who did mistakes and lead a normal life like i do...

so why am i so scared of being weak? everyone is weak....

maybe the first step to become stronger is to admit that i'm weak and working on it...

yeah maybe so...

Give me strength...give me lights...give me spirits to carry on my passions....

sathuk~

tomorrow officially year 2^^

people of my age might been thinking bout their year 2 of med school as a blurry memories because it's ended longggggggg ago...but for me, tomorrow it is!

haihhhhh 

'the sadness of getting in such a late train' i can't deny it's surfacing my throat every day....

but yeah, i chose it, and i'm sticking with it...bitter or sweet, i shall finish my journey...

well! i'm forever 18!!^^ (=____+)

haiihhhhhh

ok, let's just pin that on the wall and not gonna keep looking at it?

to throw it into the bin is to deny the truth, so just pin it there la ok?

so, tomorrow is my Sem 3, Year 2 of my epic med school....

haiyoooo damn nervous! >.<''

this new sem, i'll go through Endocrinology and Nervous System....

hmmmmm both kinda fun! and i love them!^^ 

let's not jinx what so ever it is...

i'll just say; i'll do my best!^^

assignment already knocking my door actually....gotta run!

pray for me!

sathuk...God, bless me~

worrying time comes again....

they said happy time will always end faster than the sorrow's...

so, is it true?

my happiness just expired...can i say that?

..nope..

let's just think...it's getting lessen by the minute i'm trying to wait for it...yeah let's put it up that way
so, am i going to keep waiting for it?
yeah~

who doesn't....i just won't keep my hope so high...but still, let's just pray hard....

sathuk~

2nd year coming

done first year...

and i just got my result today for whole year point...

FBS n RPS 

what to say ya...

personally i know i have to do better...

but the result is...thank God...

nothing much to say rather than just to thank God for everything...

this playful kid will do better...must do better!

Can go home with less guilt now...

deep inside u know u have much more guilt to bear sumy...

with all those hours i spent trolling around and not studying...would've done better sumy...

so...

just try better, 

do better,

and strive further...

it's a push and a proof that i must be able to grads in this course that i promise to love till i die...

sathuk~

thanks to Ama for all her prayers...

i'm sure none of this came out as good as this without your prayers...

sathuk...God bless Ama...my love n only...

my principle? simple

my principle is simple, once u messing around with me,

i'll make sure u know u messing around with me...that's it...nothing much^^

i won't pay back what u did...i'll just announce awesomely that u messing around with me :)

welcome to my black list community^^

welcome2^^

DONE 1ST YEAR

done first year!!

happy or not eh?

don't know la...

feel like something is wrong...yeah of course, haven't get result yet...haihhhh

worst thing ever waiting for result....

God...guide me through....

it's eating me up~

i'm so selfish back then...

i wanted to be alone....

so i said "ok, let's just get my ass into any busiest job on earth,
because i don't want to be in any relationship anyway,

and i like to be alone...."

IDIOT

now it strikes me hard....i barely have time to take care of my mother...

i'm the only child...and here i am...so far away and can't even help her with laundry....at least...

and i'm so far away from my old friends...so hard to keep in touch because whatever topic they're talking,

i have no idea it existed

glad glad glad huh? to get this sumy?

yeah, you should be...
because whatever u left behind are too much for u to regret getting what it is now...

ama...miss you

friends...i'm so sorry...

God...thank you~

price of being born with or without money

born with money;

-i have no idea how-

because i'm not

born without money;

i know it so well ....

first,

you will keep on wondering how it feels like to be born with money...

yeah it is...

day and night...

wondering if your life will be better if u're born like that...

but in another view, you will feel so damn lucky that u're not on of those spoiled brat who live their life thinking of nothing but themselves...oppss no offense~

and...u tend to appreciate every single little cent that u have in hand...

u tend to plan ahead...because of course u can't slip any cent without the word 'WORTH'....

and God, one thing for sure...i'm so thankful to have a parent who struggles day and night searching money for me to eat each meal...even pay for my tuition fees...FULL...

so tell me, why i'm still wondering and want better life?

i got myself lessons....which is too expensive to bought by money...no matter how much it costs...they can't buy what i see, what i learned and what i knew now...

thank God for every little or big hardship or easy life that i've been through...

it's valuable... 

thank you~

that feeling being in the middle of Belgium chocolates

i'm that type that i came from cocoa tree...that type chocolate that not yet being process...

but those people around me? they are Belgium Chocolates...that already being process, packed and sell so nicely on store...

i can't bring myself there with them because i'm not the same...

and the best part is none of them even try to be with me...

i'm always the one who need to try to be there with them...

which i learned it hard way...

so from now on, why i even bother?

let's just live where i am...and let's see who i'm gonna meet in my way then...

let's just do that....

sadness of life...

the sadness of life is that when you don't realize who you actually are...

and you have been trying to be someone else and some how some day you're getting tired of failure

to be someone else that you realize why can't you be yourselves to get what u want? 

why you need to be someone else to get what you want or to where you want to be?

i have been thinking....if other person study for 5 hours and can get A...then why i need to study 3 days for that? so it bugged me real bad...can i live the way they live and get what they get?

NO

i can't...because i have my own capacity to achieve things...

i need 3 days of studying only i can answer the questions...they are different compare to me...

of course they do

i can't be sad about that or blame God for that...it's fair...it is always fair...

nothing on earth is not fair...

everything has it's own reason of working out that way...

just maybe in daily basis we found ourselves envy of other people capabilities that we often forgot that 

we might as well have something that other people wish for...

so like it or not..you will have to live with what you have and make that work...

it might not ever come easy for me...but it shall not always be hard and i shall not burden myself with 

doubt, jealousy, envies, or what so ever the feeling that i have towards the others...

i shall stay with myself, reflect inside out of who i am and what i wanna become...

it's okay sumy...it's gonna be okay....use what you have to get what you want...that way, it's going to be okay....

SATHUK~

so father's day is here

i know i'm not the only one...

father, dad, daddy, papa...those words i never use them in my life...

sad in a view but another is curiosity...curious how it feels like to have one...

but God is fair...i have awesome uncles...

they do take care of me well...

may be it's my price to pay...

i have awesome mum...

my life will be too perfect if i have a dad...haha

no matter where you are...as much as i can do...is to pray for your well being...

i used to hate, angry and despise all your doings...but at the end of the day, i won't be here in this world if it is not because of you...

i somehow owe you...

just...God, bless him....

a bit more to go...but yet so far...

nnt dah nak abis final dah....

then judisium...then balikkkkk

but yet got super camp...so, leh balik kejap jek...ntt cuti 3 mggu jek...org lain bkn main 2/3 bln...haiyaaa

it's okkkk

super camp gonna be fun!! ner g kampung2...but still don't know wht we need to do later....

sathuk...few more papers to go...

sathuk...hope pass all~

FINAL IS HERE

FINAL REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM SEM 2 

is here...yeah not kidding...

dah abis 2 papers...

BHP II 

PHOP II

and SOOCA in one day...

haiyooo

13 cases to understand and analyze and memorize....

die die die...

this sem result will determine everything in my life for the next 1 year....

goshhhh i really need to do good for this one....

the question is not can? it is...how?

die die die...

show me some light....if You already showed me one...please let me see it...

sathuk....

i never did...hard enough...

i never pray hard enough...

i never study hard enough....

i never love hard enough...

i never care hard enough...

i never concern hard enough...

everything i did in life is in ignorance level...

because i'm always too scared to go deeper...

deeper makes me hope more...and when i hope, if i fail, i'll get hurt...

there are lots of reasons why people fail in life...

one of it is scared to be successful...

because i can't accept the fact that  what i'm getting is worse than what i used to achieve...

God...i shall pray more...

at least You will hear what i have to say...

at least...I'm not alone like that...

no words..

final's coming...

i'm trying not to be panic.... 

tak sabar nak duduk kat kosan...

xsabar nak duduk kat kosan....

but i'm sure gonna miss bale a lot...

here is cozy, big space and have awesome guards taking care of bale 24 hours...

there in kosan...don't have guard...

the space is small and don't have giant window for me to enjoy the wind like i did everyday here in bale...

but what can i do...that's all i can find...

close to UNPAD, the price is affordable...

haihhh sokay la...

it will be fineeee

i will have whole bunch of friends there also...it's going to be fineeee >.<

can't wait to decorate the room, clean it everyday...

and enjoy the fact that i won't have any roomate!!

huarghahahahah