Saturday, January 25, 2014

balik kelate!!^^

i know i'm not a kid to be so excited bout going back home...but i'm!!!! hahahah
but just for 1 week....sorry sorta making this blog my diary now....everyday is just so dull...nothing to do but stress....now going back home...waiting for next flight at 6 am....sathuk...hope everything's ok...

Monday, January 20, 2014

Saturday, January 18, 2014

bcuz my mum said...

after my diploma, i thought i will never can choose path for my life...

then one fine day, my mum said;
''If you never choose to become a doctor now, you will never be able to be one''
''You want it or not? i can support you...at least for a while, then we'll look for any funding help later''
''Choose now, or if not you will lose it forever''

then i said, how can i even dream of it? it's too late....

and she said;
"If you want it, then you just have to be brave enough to admit it, and go for it....other people can why we can't?''

Just like that...and i say yes...we both don't even know what lies ahead...all my mum and me know is, we wanted this...i wanted this...then we went through a lot....and before i know it...i'm here...doing medicine...

if my mum never ask me that day, if her 'crazy' idea never strike her that day...i wouldn't be here today...

and here i am...thinking everything is possible if we try...

but yet...i'm still asking myself, just because i past the entrance exam, am i really meant for this?
am i really suit to be a doctor?
it's hard...it's very very hard...because it's not just about reading from books...it's about everything within you...seriously everything within...
it's like you will be able to do it or not...it's based on how you treat the world, it's how you organize yourselves, and it's how you treat people...

all i can say is...everything comes from the inside...
it's not just the intelligence that will bring you through the year...it's all about attitude, luck and personality...

you have to be good from the inside out...

i'm finding myself in this...i'm searching a way to live in this...and i'm stuck...
it's dark...
i've been lousy all step of the way...
my grades is not as much as the effort i put in...it's the other way around...

i sometime so ashamed to pray...because i feel like i don't deserve to face God...
i don't feel like calling my mum because i feel like i'm failing her...
i don't dare to try since everything seems so hard to catch up on...

i constantly searching for motivation cause what's inside of me keep on checking out...

life, i'm so sorry if you're about to get screwed again...
i have exams...11 papers...and so far only 3 left to face...
and for all the past 8? i don't feel good about them...

what if i lose grab on this?
what if i actually cannot be what i wanted to be?
God...help me...i'm too weak to see a way out...send me sign...
give me strength...i don't want to fail her...i don't want to poison my dream...
i want to keep it that way until i grads...
i want to grads with this degree...
i want to pursuit a life that is successful....
am i greedy?
am i dreaming too much?
is this too out of my league?
God...i'm so sorry...
i don't know what to do....

chose wrong...hurtful memory...wasted...regret...don't

about friends....i grew up in a boarding school which made my life screwed up real bad by not having true friends...correct me if i'm wrong...we all were so busy getting things done that none of us cared about each others but our own selves.

i still remember that chill night that i had to walk all the way down stairs to fill up my water bottle with my hurtful leg...and none of my friends care enough to even help out...everyone was so busy studying...

this might not even stay in their memories because i'm not really shine and in anyone's attention back then...i'm just a normal 'wallpaper' student....i tried to make friend...i even stayed up all night to make a speech for one of them....but it turned out, i'm not the one can make her happy...

the feeling of choosing wrong people to share memory with...i learned it in hard way...

people seek me for their benefits....maybe because i'm different from them...so it's hard to make them think i'm one of them...maybe i'm not that good to make them take me in...

i feel left out all step of the way...even now...

yeah some might try to catch up...and some i tried to catch up...but turned out, broken glass is better to left it broken rather than fixing it....

i wish i have better high school life because high school is really a brief moment that once should feel happy, dreamy, friendships, and loves....

it's ok...past should stay in the past...

at least i have such great memories in diploma...

and for now, with God bless...i would love to make a good one too...

God...bless us all...sathuk~

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Thursday, January 09, 2014

inspiration from Lorde, young, talented singer-songwriter..

"Everything i do is super important to me,
like being a parent to someone else..."

"when i want to do something, i throw myself at doing it,
and spent hours in doing it..."

"i make decision fast, i usually know straightaway what i want"

-Lorde-

Monday, January 06, 2014

Sunday, January 05, 2014

the scared....

the scared that make you feel like every inch of yourselves has nothing to fight back...
the scared that consumes you hard that make you feel like it's easier to just give up....

God...
is it not my thing?
can i do this?
why i feel like i'm so lost and can't get along with this kind of life?
why i can't manage my life?
i wish i'm the person i think i'm...but i'm not....
God, it's so blur and lost for me now...
what if i fail her again?
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...
i need this...