Sunday, November 29, 2015

i'm constantly worried and confuse

i'm constantly worried and confused...
i'm constantly scared and weary...
i'm constantly feel the depress and loss of faith....
i'm constantly feel small and helpless...
i'm constantly need and wanting things that i don't meant to want it...

God...please help me...please guide me...please...don't leave me...

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Now

แอบเหงา - เสนา หอย


ทำตัวตามสบาย เหมือนเช่นทุกที
ไม่มีทุกข์ร้อน..อะไร
พอดนตรีบรรเลงเพลงที่คุ้นเคย
เราเองก็ยังร้อง..ไป
ถึงคล้ายๆไม่เป็นไรสักหน่อย
เเต่พอมองดูคนที่เขามีใคร
เเม้ว่าผู้คน จะรายล้อมอยู่ยังเผลอเหงาในใจ

เมื่อไหร่จะมีใครใครสักคนที่เป็นของเรา
เมื่อไหร่จะมีใคร ใครสักคนนะที่รักเรา
เท่านี้..ที่ต้องการ ขอเกินไปตรงไหน
เมื่อไหร่จะมีใคร ใครสักคนที่เคียงข้างเรา
เเค่อยากจะมี คนที่ทำให้ใจไม่ต้องเหงา..
ไม่รู้..ต้องเมื่อไหร่ เหมือนมันยังห่างไกล..

นาฬิกาเวลาเพิ่งจะเที่ยงคืน 
ผู้คนก็มากมาย
พอดนตรีบรรเลงเพลงให้เต้นกัน 
ใครๆเขาก็เต้นไป
ยิ้มเเละทักทายกับคน รู้จัก
เเต่คงไม่มีใครลึกซึ้งใจเรา
ทั้งที่ผู้คนก็รายล้อมอยู่ ยังเผลอนึกเบาๆ 

เมื่อไหร่จะมีใครใครสักคนที่เป็นของเรา
เมื่อไหร่จะมีใคร ใครสักคนนะที่รักเรา
เท่านี้..ที่ต้องการ ขอเกินไปตรงไหน
เมื่อไหร่จะมีใคร ใครสักคนที่เคียงข้างเรา
เเค่อยากจะมี คนที่ทำให้ใจไม่ต้องเหงา..
ไม่รู้..ต้องเมื่อไหร่ เหมือนมันยังห่างไกล..

เมื่อไหร่จะมีใครใครสักคนที่เป็นของเรา
เมื่อไหร่จะมีใคร ใครสักคนนะที่รักเรา
เท่านี้..ที่ต้องการ ขอเกินไปตรงไหน
เมื่อไหร่จะมีใคร ใครสักคนที่เคียงข้างเรา
เเค่อยากจะมี คนที่ทำให้ใจไม่ต้องเหงา..
ไม่รู้..ต้องเมื่อไหร่ เหมือนมันยังห่างไกล..

ไม่รู้..ต้องเมื่อไหร่ เหมือนมันยังห่างไกล...

Monday, November 16, 2015

sins

i never know it's this much sins to be a woman...
i know we are in the era where there is no discrimination and all...but it's in the DNA
that women are different from men and have so much of lacks and flaws in it...

i feel sorry for women...
sorry that we have so much emotions, hormones, and urge to want a guy so bad...
sorry for that women 'are told' or have the mentality that men are everything...that men are the
rule for women to be happy or sad...that their presence determine who we are or how good we should be...

rarely women around me stood up for themselves...want to be pretty for themselves, want to be thin for themselves or want to be intellectual for themselves...
they do it all for men...so that men will find it's ease for their eyes, ease for their life...

rarely women shut men down just to stay with friends but men do that all the time...

rarely women put anything else before their men...

but is that women's fault? i don't think so...

women are coded to be that way...to hopelessly want family and be a mother...

because that's nature...and men are meant to be outside hunting and gaining resources for family...

so it's the nature itself that speaks...

not that women are mean or being selfish to always think about men, and always want to do better for men, but it's their nature to want to create a family for human's survival...if not, the human race would die thousand years ago...we will be extinct if women do not want this...and men are coded to want to stay in a family but not that attach because they're meant to be out there...creating resources and fight...

so, i have come to understand that everything we do in life, no matter what era we are...we will always act as nature's calling...

we wanna grow up, we wanna have families, we wanna have next of kin...

so it's no one's fault that we are acting this way...

it's all written...

there is no point in judging or feeling sorry for those who's in search for it...because i used to feel sorry for this...for women who are so hopelessly rely on men and wanna marry and all...
there are those who throw away their careers, their parents and even their own personality for men and families they built...

"Only with understanding you will find true wisdom"

please do understand sumy...please....

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Sunday, November 08, 2015

Environment



I used to live in a school that people find it's stupid to dwell with feelings and to dream of relationships are ridiculous. Then, here i am at a place where everyone is dreaming of having perfect relationships and all i'm listening to is about relationship issues. So i kinda be in an adaptation for this. How to live in this place where people are talking about "Does he love me?" more than "How are we gonna study for this topic?" 

I find myself so lost in majority...i can't focus on what i want when it's not the same as the majority's...i wish i can, but i can't. And it's not their fault to be so, and it's not my fault to be like this. I can't blame the people around me for my failure to focus. 

But then it hit me, that one wise man used to say, your CGPA will be predicted from the environment you're in. Like, if you're in 3,9 kinda environment, then your CGPA won't be far off, and if you're in 2.5, then your CGPA won't be far off that either. So, as a student, i wish i will be at 3.9 kinda environment, so that i'll be driven to my breaking point trying to catch up. But as a friend, i wanna be with my friends no matter how their CGPA is.

Then, i notice the difference between what people of 3.9 are talking about in their daily life compared to 2.5 students. And it hit me, hit me real hard that i wanna be in that kind of conversation. The conversation of future, of career, of success, compare to of relationships and feelings or make up or hair or dresses. 

I wanna be in that scientific talking and asking questions and searching for answers instead of sighs and tears from relationship failures. 

I miss that environment, even, that kind of environment will create such ignorant, selfish and cut throat kinda world but still, i won't feel so lost am i?

Because right now, i can't manage to put anything else before my education and career...because that will determine my food, my drinks, my life later on. If i'm so lost in the feeling of neediness of a presence of a guy, a perfect guy in my life, to share my dream and my wish, then i will be so tempted to work for it. Which includes try and error in relationship. And this process doesn't take little time or effort. It's as much as doing the study things too. So, i can't manage to lose it right now.

I wanna be focus, and stay true to my goals. But it seems like it's ridiculous to do so here. Only time for that is when exam is coming and by means coming, is the next day... and that's the only time people are talking about books and knowledge. But, how weak i am? Am i that weak to blame it on my environment for my failure or success? How am i suppose to just wait for my environment to get better than only my life will get better? Why the hell i let environment involve so much in my life?

And what i urge for doesn't reflect my outcome. Those people i said to dwell with emotions and all even do better academically compared to mine who want to do just academic all the time. Those people i said to carry away my focus are the one who seems to be able to focus more. 

So, the real problem here is me...i got carry away. I care, i think. i analyze, that consuming my time not theirs. I solved, they happy, they can study, but not me. I'm dwelling with thinking and thoughts.

God, how to get myself out of this mess i created? How to be able to focus when i urge to focus on something else? I'm going down unless i solved this...i'm so going down.

I can't seem to be able to catch up to the level i used to be in anymore. God, i wanna be better. I don't wanna shy over my attitude towards greatness anymore. I wanna be so occupied with studying that i have no time for feelings and emotions. God, i miss being that way. I miss not care so much. I really really miss it.

Fear

have you ever have fear? i bet everyone does...

Will Smith used to say "I use my fear, fear of failure to drive me through"

why my fear doesn't seem to be able to drive me through it?

why fear seems to hold me back...

This fear of failure...this fear of things changing...this fear of losing things, people and moments...

God...how to cure this?

They say cure your fear with faith...but i can't seem to do so...

Why am i so weak? why am i so attach to fear? why am i shaking when i'm suppose to be brave and have faith with my life...but i feel small, i feel scared, i feel like my world is about to go down...

I fear of everything...literally everything...

i'm scared God...i'm scared of everything....

Light

i wanna be someone who is light in her sleep,
light in her eating,
light in her needs,

i wanna be someone who sits there happily to see someone else's happy...

i wanna be light in my needs and heavy on her gratitude towards things that come to her life...

i want to be a human who don't want much, and light on things, anger, lust and greed...

God...help me...guide me through my path...guide me so that i can find myself out there who is at least half of what i want to become...

I want to be good...i want to be glad and thankful...God...please....

Wednesday, November 04, 2015

This is too long

This is too long...
Im wasting my time here...
Wasting money and energy...
When i should be taking care of my mum..
Not busting my ass here and wasting her money and time not to be taken care of...
My God what have i done with my life??
Im regret...regret being too dumb too stupid too ignorant too shallow to think it through before making my decision 3 years ago...
My God...what have i done...
I should be home taking care of her...

it's sad that it's all turned out to be the same...

it's saddened me that all of the people i know turned out to be the same when it comes to relationship...
i don' t want to be like that if i'm in one...but who am i to think i can make it turns out differently...
sure will be the same thing anyway...maybe that's why it's so hard for me to try one...
maybe i'm not ready to lose myself yet...