i can't tell how much...

i just can't utter the word worry...i just can't express it out...
if i do...it gonna effect her...she is even more worry than me..
i know...
but God...right now...i'm like a mad person....
like having stoke inside of my heart n mind...
i can't think right, i can't feel right about it...
i can't think positive even if i want to...so badly...
God, i'm worrying...i'm worrying...i'm worrying...and i'm in suffering...
God...why it is always hard on me?? why the rain is just pour on me??
why others are so easy getting where they want to...get what they want but me...is just so hard...
God, i try...i try...i try...to be those who's fine in anything...
i try my best...to be a good Buddhist, a good daughter, a good human...but it is just so hard...
i'm suffering in my own delusional worry...
and how to get rid of it??
i pray day n night...i wish in every prayer of mine...wish one day...my life will be blessed and easy a bit...
i pray to u...for all merits i have done...just make it easier on me...God...i'm begging u...

s.o.m.b.o.n.g

s.o.m.b.o.n.g

as a human, sombong is a very dangerous word....

sombong brings conceit, might as well mean it...and brings a whole ego, underestimate others, and self-center.

sombong brings a person who tries nowhere...

sombong never help a person to get what they wanted...

sombong will only bring a person down, bring a person to the deepest dark of one heart...

sombong can kill love, faith, hope, and dream....

sombong will never create success as well as drag it away...

a person with sombong is so far from God, mad at God and even blame Him for all hardship, even judge Him...

sombong in student life will only bring doom and disaster...sombong will always create a stubborn student, a conceit one, and never thankful one...

sombong will bring lose as one just never ask when donno, never listen and never trust...trust is only in oneself but never in others...never believe what people said unless to be seen with one's own eyes...

that is how much sombong is scary...that is how much a person with sombong will experience...

my syndrome while study

''I find that a concentrated atmosphere helps a concentration of thought'' --- S. Holmes ---

so i guess my syndrome is not odd at all...obviously...i can't study in a library...always need a quiet room!!!! and that is practical ever since...i can't concentrate in a wide open place...or with people and even with musics...
to find this in a totally fiction story book...might as well insane, but Sherlock Holmes is one of my idol...so i guess this syndrome of him...make sense to me;ppp hehehe
soon...i really hope to have a very nice table of study...and a quiet atmosphere...with awesome roomates ^^
but what can i expect right?? just hope for the best laaa...
can't wait to study!!!! \(^_^)/
God, bless me :((

waiting is torturing....really

what if...

what if i choose upm back then??
what if i choose to make it easier on others compare to my self?
what if i don't think about my dream back then but thinking about my mum...

if so...now that i already blessed with crowd of animals' knowledge, frens and whole lots more exciting life in kl...
i am now will be stressing out bout my first test...now that i am trying my best to say i like this...i like this...i love this...

compare to know that i have been dwelling with uncertainty and already risk half 100 grand...for uncertainty...
now that i can do nothing but pray that life will bring less sorrow...
now that i am suffering even to here...when??

i donno back then...i donno how much i have to fight...i donno that i can't bear it...

God...i already made a stupid decision...and now that i try my best to stick to it...
with regret on how much i have been dreaming of wonderful but in reality it is not...
how much i have crumbled your bless with lots of opportunities back then...
now that i can do nothing but pray...even shout for you to hear me...
wish that my life will be blessed again...which it is kind of impossible...
how many time can a person get chance?
how many time can a person get bless?

i screw it up...i am...and now that i am shouting to the world that i am defeated by fate...defeated by my own stupid decision..i am crying over the moon...the sun...the stars...to at least give me chance to breathe...
and make it right...and give me strength to fight it...

i am begging universe to give me support...
with all merits i have done so far...
hope it can help me go through this hardship...
to be able to fight back all kam that i've got to bear...
help me...

bless is all i need~

i would love to think n do....

if only got chance...

nice to be able to materialize your idea...

nicer if God bless it...

nicer if it is blessed...

die is even an option...

she doesn't like me...
every inch of me...she hates it...
how am i suppose to change??
rebirth is even simpler...
if only i could die...and rebirth as someone she wanted...i will...
or maybe just vanish....so her world will be more beautiful...less burden...no...not just less...NO burden at all..
such a carefree life she'll get...God, stop torturing my love...You might as well eliminate most sin person in the world...just a word from u...i will be gone...she will be happy...world will be a nicer place...

Respect

my idea before... 

RESPECT will be given to those with high education achiever, 

good grades, pretty face n body, and good status of income...

but the whole idea is wrong...very much indeed wrong...

i misunderstand it...in a very wrong way!

RESPECT will be given to those with good personality, good heart n good attitude...

that is why they say, it needs to be earned...

because you need to be a good person before you can get respect...

RESPECT shall not get by fear, by strength of words and by mean...

a true personality that hidden in every person is of course a very beautiful one n also a very dark one...

both shall be taken out to practice...

both shall be shown to the world...

but both with organize n smart shown only will be respect...

RESPECT is a hard word to earn...

a very hard word to earn and it will always come with TRUST...

once TRUST is burned out... RESPECT gone...

one shall gain TRUST to be RESPECT....

a TRUST can be gain by good deed yet not hypocrite...but a good, healthy self restrain...

self discipline, self mature and self maintenance toward personality...

be a good one...

shall create...

create a good one...

fight the bad one...

shall let people know the bad one...but shall practice the good one...

should choose...

''She is lazy'' people say...

''But, today she manages to do it all'' people say...

That is how...to gain RESPECT...

people know who you are...but still u fight to be a better person...

one shall fight for it!

go!

fight for it!

only then RESPECT will be earned...

and even will be given...

i have only one...but like no one also~

i have only one sided door...only one side that is enough for me to pass through...

others might have 2...to pass through freely without worries...

but mine...only one...narrow one...and it's barely opened...

that's why i barely go out...i barely feel freedom...like i never have a door to see world outside...

so dark in here...so lonely...so cold...

when it's going to open??? will it ever open??

ottokaji??

ottokaji?ottoke??

i am in the dark for quite sometime...but tonight, i cry to the heart content...n i see something...
i see my self...why am i so lonely?why am i so helpless?n why am i so pathetic being played by fate?
n why i can't angry...why i can't pissed off...n why i can't blame anyone...but me
i choose it...from the choices God let me have...but actually to be clear...the is no choice to make...because in your life...the thing u want is actually 1 thing...the other that make it becomes 'lists' is just surrounding, family, friends and a whole lots more things we need to think of...so choice become choices...
and that is the hardest part...when u choose what u want n neglect what surrounding says bout rules n what u need to do...that is the hardest part because u are not insane n not emotionless...u still feel guilty as a human...u can't be selfish 100%...no matter whom...u just can't be a 100% bad ass...
and that is why life is so hard...because it is not easy to say what is not ok to be ok for you...
all u want is a life that no one else can sacrifice for you...but at the end...u just let everyone else sacrifice for u...because u want or not...people need each other...help out...and that is the hardest part to accept...a help~
because..u want to be independent...
and in this world...a true one...word independent means selfish...because...is not just u don't take someone else help...u also won't help anyone...so, u just make those who need you suffer without a single help...

now what to do? i get more help than i deserve...n how am i gonna repay??? n it seems like i'm gonna need it for such a long time before i can grow my own wings...before i can take u fly with me...still long way to go...
just want to say...this is not easy for me..it is never is~