welcome December! welcome 2013!!

i don't know what to hope for this coming new month n this coming new year...

all i hope is that my life will get less suck than it is now...

at least let me breathe...

hope n dream my ass~

hope n dream my ass....

i will not believe all those things anymore...

from now on...

i'm gonna live my life as what i should have been doing long ago...

next step...

i'm gonna apply for upu...

NO VET COURSE!

anything will do except all black list course...

i'm not gonna live my life as 'rich' n 'title' searcher anymore...

i'm gonna apply any course that i will love to do...

n then further master..

n work...

that's it...

i don't have to buy house as i have one..

car?? cheap one sudahhh

yeah...

God thought me this...this time~

NO MORE HOPE, DREAM, FAIRY TALE...

YOU ALL CAN KISS MY ASS FOR EVER EXIST IN MY LIVE!!

:))))))))))

i'm gonna spend these time...

i'm gonna spend these time i have....

for what ehh??

let's see what i can do, and what i need to do...

1) weight management? = failed tenth times, let's try anew? how bout it?

2) brain supplement 'camp' = my own camp...just for my brain not to get too rusty for learning soooon

3) attitude correction?= yeahhh kinda need it...

4) being a good Buddhist, daughter, grand daughter, person, a life? = working on it~

so, i guess i have lots to do...

and lots to do is just a list if i don't have determination n persistence...

i hate my self for that...

i don't have them...

both quality to success...

i don't have them...

damn~

Never ever give up...long way to ending~

"You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me"

By; CHER

Feeling broken

Barely holding on

But there's just something so strong

Somewhere inside me

And I am down but I'll get up again

Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking

But I can take it

I'll be back

Back on my feet

This is far from over

You haven't seen the last of me

You haven't seen the last of me

They can say that

I won't stay around

But I'm gonna stand my ground

You're not gonna stop me

You don't know me

You don't know who I am

Don't count me out so fast

I've been brought down to my knees

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking

But I can take it

I'll be back

Back on my feet

This is far from over

You haven't seen the last of me

There will be no fade out

This is not the end

I'm down now

But I'll be standing tall again

Times are hard but

I was built tough

I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of

I've been brought down to my knees

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking

But I can take it

I'll be back

Back on my feet

This is far from over

I am far from over

You haven't seen the last of me

No no

I'm not going nowhere

I'm staying right here

Oh no

You won't see me begging

I'm not taking my bow

Can't stop me

It's not the end

You haven't seen the last of me

Oh no

You haven't seen the last of me

You haven't seen the last of me

when day doesn't bright.....

when day doesn't bright like it seems,

and night doesn't dark like it meant to be....

when all i have is myself to cry to...

when all i have is me to say to me that 'Everything is going to be ok'....

i don't know what kind of sins i've done...

but this karma is so hard to bare....

i can't sleep at night...

i can't see day light as bright as it seems as my eyes are full of tears...

why it is so hard on me?

now that i has nothing left for that before i have more than i should...

i thought i will be blessed and lucky as i am trying to be faithful...

but no...

nothing is there to bless me....

nothing is there....

just like this favorite picture of mine...

at first, i like it because the lady in this picture is just like me...

in the rain, caught up waiting for a train that don't know when will arrive and take her....

just like me...

waiting for my application to be replied...

i never notice a train is actually coming before...

and later only i realize....there is a train coming from far...

*(as u can see in the pic, i never notice it before,u can click on the pic for better view)

just like me after the application is replied...

i'm happy for God-know-how...

then i realize again, after zoom in a little bit....

the picture is actually a paint....

it is a paint...

not even a real pic...

not even a person in that pic...

everything is painted...

just like me now...

everything that i thought it to be real for me....

is actually not...

it is just a dream...

just like the paint...

to realize it now...

it is kinda too late...

i don't have place to further my study...

taking back my money, and wait for upu again next year instead...

God....i just lost my future...

i just lost it...

i can't be a doctor...

neither human's or vet...

maybe this is it...

this is FATE...

i can't control it...

I MEANT NOT TO BE A DOCTOR....

and i am not sure i'll get the vet again next year...

i don't even know i can make it to university...

i might as well working...

my future scatted into pieces...

it is torn out....

into many tiny little pieces...

it is so dark....

i can't see any lit coming for me...

all i can do is...

continue to be miserable me....

go back to reality....

i just got to know that i'm not that lucky...

i need to go back to reality...

i need to go back to upu, and fill in every box like i do this year....

and wait for the result...

haihhhh

i'm trying to fly without wing...

tha's why...

i can't~

กรรม

ฉันมันคนมากกรรม.....

through hardship u tend to find diamond....

through hardship...u tend to be in lots of stress,

can't stand on your own feet and can't even see light...

and by that time...

u'll find those who try to cheer u up...

and stand by u no matter what...

and it is not just any body...

they are diamonds....

who are so hard to find...

and i'm proud to find some...

THANK YOU AMA...

you always trust in me, and support me no matter how hard it is...

sorry for all hardships that i bring to you...

u are old, and have lots in mind...but still i bring u troubles...never end~

i'm so sorry...

THANK YOU FRENS...

thank you Syirin...
thank you Nock...

for always being there and care for me...

i'm so sorry to bother u with all troubles...

i always call u guys when i'm in trouble...

but u guys never leave me...

u always been there for me...

sorry for emo craps that u have to read through tweets, fb...

i'm such an attention seeker!;ppp

but, thank u..

u guys mean a lot to me..

thanks for all supports, sweet cheer up texts and lovely calls...

thank you...

PHO THAN NA DAM of WAT PHIKUL THONG

i am glad to have such a GREAT PHRAK to cry to...

to pray to...

to hold my faith to...

and thanks for all sem si...

they are lovely true and such a word for me to review my self...

THANK YOU PHRAK EEI..

PHRAK OF MY HOME

i am always lazy to pray to you...

always am lazy..

but deep down i'm scared u'll ignore me...

i'm scared that u will leave me...

but i am FAITHFUL to you...

i do...

i really am...

SORRY

THANK YOU

THESE great people are DIAMONDS to me...

in this terrible hardship...

in this terrible me...

YOU always guide me...

~THANK YOU~

i still hope...

God....bless me~

FATE is real deal....

in my life...

i'm sort of can't expect anything good out of it...

i can't expect perfect family, perfect schools, perfect life....

and now, i'm here waiting like an idiot for fate to reply me an answer...

God, i'm so done with fate...

what am i suppose to do next?

who am i to blame for beside myself??

i'm all wrong...

from the start...

it's all me...

and i hate it~

that feeling of being last in everything

since small, i had been called 

gorilla, 

shrek, 

fiona in beast version,

black,

curly,

giant,

mum size and many more

even sluggish, pending, slow...
hahahah;((((

i am very used to it...really?

no, i am not...

that feeling of being ugly, slow, stupid is always surface...

keep remind me of who i am...

keep holding me back..

and i am so afraid of taking chance, wonder if i will blew it...

i try my best to be at least 'nice to see type' and average grade type...

want to fit in...

but truth is like a shadow...

it won't leave u....

so tired of being me...

can this beast become beautiful one day?

can this slow mind become great student one day?

....just really wish to be better...

news

i got both good news and bad news today

CONGRATE to my dear friend, Mustaza Syirin for getting her dream job!!

SO SORRY for myself, not getting anywhere yet...

SO SORRY for myself who still waiting...

SO SORRY for myself for not getting NOC n SSLN yet...

DAMN life tough...i jst wish to be happy too...

when it's going to end? the sorrow is just too long...

too hard...

just so hard...

"Jet Lag"

"Jet Lag"

(Simple Plan feat. Natasha Bedingfield)

The jetlagged

What time is it where you are?

I miss you more than anything

Back at home you feel so far

Waitin' for the phone to ring

It's gettin’ lonely livin’ upside down

I don't even wanna be in this town

Tryin' to figure out the time zones makin' me crazy

You say good morning

When it's midnight

Going out of my head

Alone in this bed

I wake up to your sunset

And it's driving me mad

I miss you so bad

And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

What time is it where you are?

Five more days and I'll be home

I keep your picture in my car

I hate the thought of you alone

I've been keepin' busy all the time

Just to try to keep you off my mind

Tryin' to figure out the time zones makin’ me crazy

You say good morning

When it's midnight

Going out of my head

Alone in this bed

I wake up to your sunset

And it's drivin' me mad

I miss you so bad

And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

Is so jet lagged

I miss you so bad [x5]

I wanna share your horizon

I miss you so bad

And see the same sunrising

I miss you so bad

Turn the hour hand back to when you were holding me.

You say good morning

When it's midnight

Going out of my head

Alone in this bed

I wake up to your sunset

And it's drivin' me mad

I miss when you say good morning

But it's midnight

Going out of my head

Alone in this bed

I wake up to your sunset

And it's drivin' me mad

I miss you so bad

And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

Is so jetlagged

Is so jetlagged

tired

i am tired...

i am tired of taking care...

tired of making decision...

tired of giving advice...

tired of giving opinion...

but she is so lost...

plus ego...

ego that she will bring to her grave...

never let go even how much i hope to be able to go through it...

but she always need decision, opinion, advice and care...

because she is so lost...

how much i wish to be taken care of...but taking care instead...

i am so tired...

but maybe this is how i am supposed to be...

a protector...

whom i always wish to be one...

i want to protect her...

help her...

support her...

but right now i am so tired...

but..but..but...

no matter how much i use it...

i still have to do it...

because it is not a choice...

but a RESPONSIBILITY...

i shall be there for her...

and keep the line distance...

i shall not cross it...

respect, and help plus support...

she has been taking care of me...

maybe this is the purpose...

to take care of her...

she has created one very useful person...

to help her back, to support her...

i shall endure...and try my best to keep her happy and safe...

if only she will listen to me...

if only she does listen to me...

if only she see what i see...

if only she know what i know...

if only the ego will vanish away...

if only i know how...

yes, if only i know how..

i should know how...

how to deal with it...

it will be better...

it's all come to me...again

once said ''u can't fix others, fix yourself''

so i shall stand again...and do it again...and do it better

-I SHOULD-

nothing will change

Life tests u again n again

but nothing will change if u set ur goal tough and unshaken

life is life...bad n good comes

from day to day...we just have to admit it and move forward

from day to day we just have to prepare ourself for something bigger

because bigger age number means greater responsibility and greater destiny

prepare urself...play and go along with it but never give up

fell? all u have to do is just stand again...to be able to write this...i might as well have been through a lot

and a whole lots to come

sometime...u just have to accept...everyday is the beginning

don't wait for it to end...because it will always just started

(even years...if it meant to be it will be...)