i will outgrew this...i will

one day i'm gonna know how to deal with this and outgrew it....
one day i'm gonna be just fine...
maybe in future there is so much more of this i need to face...
maybe this is the best practice i need to go through...
God knows what i need....and i need this...so yeah...
one day i'll be fine with all of these kind of madness...
i will...
i will.

2016's coming

so 2016's coming....

back up a lil bit...what were you doing in 2006 and what have you thought about 2016 back then?

i never thought i'm here...i never know i'll be here...

such a long way gone and such a long way to come...

what will happen in 2026?

so..just keep going alright?

just keep going...

because; 

"Nobody knows where they might end up, nobody knows" -Grey.A-

collecting pieces....

how to collect pieces?
am i not facing this before?
why i don't know how to anymore?
why the road seems to get darker and darker?

collect your pieces together sumy...you can do this...yes you can...
it's just a failure...you can get over it...then you shall do better...okay?

How to live everyday facing your failure?

How to live everyday...facing the failure that you cant do anything about it...

Read that for 3 times...

You are too tired physically, mentally and your entire soul is telling you...you cant do this...
How to live like that and still can tell people all around you that you're okay? And still can work hard for the next day?

Everyday needs endless fight that is getting bigger and bigger...

Im so tired of unfair life...well who i am to say its unfair...God knows alright...God knows whats best for me...and for now this is it...

Im too tired to be positive cheering people up and be such a homey place for them but i ended up burried myself in the ground...

Im starting to lose faith...but who am i to say i have faith before...i might not have enough thts why now tht i need to have one...

I miss home...i miss myself...i miss success...havent been there forawhile now and i feel lonely without it...thts the only thing i can count on...but it seems i cant count on myself anymore...

Will God listen if i pray? Or am i too far from it already...can i make it for my next exam...it needs lots of me and im kinda running out right now...

This failure is too deep to keep going...im just really really sucks and stucks this sem...

Whom to blame? Yeah myself of course and thts just sucks....

the only reason why God slap you in the face

the only reason why God needs to slap you in the face once in a while is because you need it.
the only reason life needs to throw bricks at you is because they want you to stop for a minute and think.
the only reason why world needs to fall apart is because you need to change.

because it has been long since the last time you feel the drive to do better.
you need this, there is no one to blame but yourself, do better.

it's okay.
you need this.

other people? owh their time will come alright...you're not God to wish things upon them.
just work you part and do better. Let people live theirs. No one need to feel bad for your own screwed up. And you have no business to judge theirs. Just work your part.

what will happen after graduation?

what will happen to us after graduation?
will we all be the same or we'll not contacting each other anymore?
i hate acute relationship...i hate to know that one day all of these beautiful moments
will go to waste and just get flushed away...
can we make it to be friends forever?
why i have so little faith in this friendships we have...
is it because i'm too different from them?
or is it because we never actually talk when we get home...
because all we want sometime is just to end this and get off each other asap...am i right?
later...we all will be married...have families to take care of...and one day...we gonna meet each other and say...omg, it has been 10 years since last time i see you...am i right?
God..i hate this...fading relationship...they say as you grew up...you lost some people in your life...
i don't like it..that theory...i hate it...

UNLUCKY

i feel like i'm not lucky with people....
i'm not what people want...
i'm not fun...outgoing or best company on earth...
i'm like...buzzkiller most of the time...
i can't help but to have this deep deep deep unhappy personality..
i can't quite to shake it off...ever...
so...when people are looking for fun...it's not from me...
but when they have dark time or bad day...there, there is my place...
because i have been through worse...so they might think i have good words to say...
or made a better worse case scenario to make them feel better...

i'm really sick of my stupid life...
i'm so ungrateful now...i don't know how much i can be thankful for having nothing...
yeah...there i put it that way...i have nothing...that bad the way i see my life...really...
God will read this and will of course punish me for it..sure

Goshhh how to live like this? absolute insufficient of everything...
from inside out...
i have no spirits, no motivation, no money and absolutely no knowledge for now...
people are so happy if they get better life than me...but how little they know they already are better...
they don't even need to try...

i wonder

i wonder how i'm gonna study without all these worries....
i wonder how that kinda night is...
i wonder how if i'm fully scholarship and having sufficient of everything...
i wonder how my result is by then...
will i be this demotivated?
will i be this hopeless and giving up?
i don't know how long am i gonna be able to stay here...
i don't know if i'm gonna be able to finish and grads like i always dream of...
i wonder....

i think i know my diagnosis....

i think i know why....
since the starting of the semester...
i owe so much...
i guilt a lot and i'm worried...

Owing, Guilt And Worry

3 worst things that are absolutely not healthy for a student....
Student needs to study in a calm and happy environment...
how to thrive with guilt and worries?

no can't do...

and i'm gonna fail in so many levels if i don't manage this things...

i just really can't wait to grads and leave this hell of living behind...
i have never been in so much pain before...
painful to survive and live my normal life...because i don't deserve any of it...

this dream of mine is toxic and has killing every single joy of me and my mum...
this is totally toxic...
and i don't know how to become a doctor one day knowing that i'm gonna blame this all on myself
and to totally throw away my 8 years of life just like that...

i don't know how this journey's gonna end...
will i be happy then?
or will i feel even more guilty?
FML...
really...
no prayers could help...
no good deeds could repair this toxic dream...
no happiness in future can pull me out of this...

I dont know what happen to me this sem

I dont know what happen to me this sem...
I see people get better and better but me?
Worsen and worsennn
My God...i see those who asking me question before are teaching me and those who has no clues are presenting...
Not that i dont know...that people cant be not know forever and people change...its good for them...im glad...but here im telling bout myself...i get worse and worse...my timeline screwed like hell and now here i am 1 week from exam and havent done any thing good for it...God...what happen to me? Why am i being like this?
Why am i so lazy and dont wanna try?
Have i been thinking tht im smart already? Thts why i dont try much? What a jerk thinking thr way sumy...
My God...when am i gonna wake up from this scary lifestyle and dream?
God...i think im too proud...too proud to try harder...please God...please...

don't hope for the hopeless...you'll burn yoursleves

what's the story of this place?

when i finally grads from here...what's the story of this place?
what will i remember? what will be the featured?

am i gonna tell people this place is warm and happiest moment of my life?
or am i gonna say this is the worst 6 years of my life?
or am i just gonna say...there are bitter and there are sweets?

for now all i can say is...this is not the easiest thing i have encountered so far in my life...
the studying, the people, the financial and the emotional that's going on...
my God...i'm trying to survive everyday...like...there is no day that's easy...

and there are more years to come....
Give me strength God...give me some...

Everything is so hard when you're worried...

everything has been so hard when i'm in worries....
i can't think...
i can't function...
i can't do anything right...

things that i'm holding keep falling apart when i'm worried...
like a giant tumor pressing against my brain telling my neuron to stop firing....

God...why am i worrying so much? i'm stressed...i can't function properly...
i need to plan...make a good plan...and i can't do it with these worries up my mind...
God...it's so stressful that i can't work properly...

Everything feels so cloudy and messy...Goshhh

I just wish i can dissect it down to a better view and go from there...but it's just so freaking hard...
My brain can't think anymore...and it sucks that way because all i love doing is thinking...
I hate it when i can't think properly...

at ease

at ease sumy at ease...

don't go panic...don't go insecure...don't go insane...

stay put...at ease...

where are you sumy?

where are you now?
how far are you from what you want?
how much have you done for it?

my God...give me strength....