#curhat

i have been waiting enough for the past sem...

i wait for everything and everyone....

i waited...

i waited for sooca drafts,

i waited for mdes,

i helped out osce and nearly burned mine,

i waited for so many people that if i have only five years to live, it'll mean nothing...

so wise man once said;

"In college, you gonna find yourselves waiting for your people 

more than you waited for your queue, or food orders "

so, i have decided to not wait anymore...i can't wait no matter how much i wanted to...

because i nearly 'die' last time...

i have to think of myself...

why am i constantly put myself there to help out? like they can't live on their own...

they should be...they have to be...they must help themselves...

and i have to help myself...

God...give me strength to be less care...

i care so much...

i care and i get hurt...

i care and i nearly fail...

Forgive me for my sincerity...but i need to help myself...

i need this, i need this, i need this

sathuk....

#feelbad

where it went wrong?

i asked myself many times, where it went wrong?

i can't concentrate, i can't study, i can't bring myself to involve much in tutorial and even far off can't bring myself to do good in sooca...for the past sem, i've been...off track...

then it all goes down to "CONFIDENCE"

i miss to have that...

i miss being able to talk...

i miss being able to explain...

i miss being able to accomplish tasks...

i can't do all those stuff last sem...

i thought i can...i try and try and try and try...but turned out, nothing improved...

i failed my own self to be better last sem...

and i can't forgive myself just yet...

this sem, i can't even bring myself to understand the case...

i can't even bring myself to listen to what people explain...

i'm so arrogant towards those who try to share knowledge with me...

what's wrong with me?

too proud to admit that i fall?

too proud to seek help?

or too proud to just admit that i'm no longer the one i used to be...

people asked me questions, like they used to, but i can't bring myself to answer those questions like i used to be able to...

God, what's wrong with me?

where is my focus?

where is myself who love to study, confidence, enthusiastic and alert? 

where are you?

can you come back?

i need you now...please~

so it's about the bounce

"They say, how low you fall doesn't matter....but how high you bounce back is what that's count"

"How you being able to bounce back is the measure of success"

"semangat sumy....yg lepas dah lepas....biarla...sekarang focus kat ape yg ade"

God...it's getting harder

from the start until now...i thought i will be able to adapt to anything that's coming cause every single day of our life must have taught us for upcoming tomorrow....

but...it's getting harder God...

it's getting harder and harder...

i just can't seem to be able to cope with it...

last sem...i'm thankful for my result but..i know i can do better....

so, that make me sad...the feeling of 'i know i can do better'....

actually what if that's all you?

that's all...what u get is u...

that's all...

isn't it?

yeah...it is...

i have to try even harder...to the breaking point of my comfort zone...

i have to try harder...harder and harder!

i can answer sooca before because why? because i understand it...

i can't now because why? because i don't understand it...

yeah that simple...

and i can't blame any other people...teachers or colleagues because...it's on me...

high or low...it's all on me...

so, what am i waiting for?

get yourself to understand the case, do better for the mde and please stop failing any osce anymore sumy!

please!

God plans further than that

various time, i ask myself...should i be selfish and being so well with my life or just suffer with all the bothers on earth  and doing not so well with my life?

and i ended up choosing the second one....

i chose to help, spend more time on something that's not for myself...and it's a lie if i said i don't regret it...

my life is walking, running chasing the time...well who doesn't?

but it's more tiring to see there are those who choose to ignore other people and just run in their own time...

i can't do it...i can;t be a total selfish and won't feel bad about it...

well, there are those who can...they set what they want and go for it...they don;t care if it means to ignore other people to run in their own suffers...

those kind of selfishness will always give you a short run success, but God plans further for those who doesn't...i hope~

i just hope all the time, energy and money i spent worth it...not that i need anything in return, just i don't wanna regret every mins i wasted on it...

it's tiring to see your time flies and you can't do anything bout it~

"Even a fool they say can find a way out of the dark"

"Out Of The Dark"

by Matt Hires

I'm burned out and wasted

I'm tired of pacing

I'm busy erasing voices of the dead

Everything changes

And everyone's faceless

I wanna replace this darkness in my head

In a strange strange place, I'm lying on the edge of a star

In these violent days, I only wanna be where you are

Even fools they say... can find a way out of the dark

Of the dark

Help me out of the dark

Have I been a sinner?

A lover, a killer?

Cause the world I've discovered

It feels nothing like my heart

I wanna escape it

Or try to embrace it

I keep re-arranging everything I know

In a strange strange place, I'm lying on the edge of a star

In these violent days, I only wanna be where you are

"Even fools they say... can find a way out of the dark"

Of the dark

Help me out of the dark

Out... of the dark

Help me out of the dark

what about my 2014?

it passed so fast that i don't even know what it's was about....

yeah sorta have to scroll down my fb wall to see what happened in that passed year...

hmmmm 

if i say, chaos? if i say patience? if i say adapting? if i say managing? and worries?

yeah that's basically my 2014...

sound negative aren't it? but seriously...it's a year of chaos...

i don't know it's just me or it's the whole world....

my lovely motherland, Malaysia got hit by various challenges never end, and me myself can't seem to have it differently...

studies, friends, people, life, money...oh my God, i just can't tell how chaos it was....

until now i can't find to make peace out of it...

i just don't feel ease while sitting, don't feel like i'm eating when i eat, and don't feel like i'm absorbing anything when i read...BIG TROUBLE!

how to make this chaos end?

is it the room?

yeah i take that as one of the points...my room, so chaos...or it's me?

everyone's knocking...

everything needs my attention...blackout, internet, people wanna cook, fuhhh so chaos...

when i was just only as much as holding my pen, there, chaos started...

i thought off changing...but when i think about it, what happen if i just try to survive in it? what if in future, it's all about chaos? and people and problems? isn't it good that i get to practice now?

'human person' yeah...maybe i should try to be one...

but my result, my study is getting worse and worse....i can't concentrate...

i can't barely stay calm to do my studying...

God...what am i suppose to do?

how to find peace in this kind of chaos world?

i feel like something is strangling me alive...what should i do??

what to do??? >.<"

i hate chaos! where is my peaceful life?