After all....

after all...
after all...
after all...
yeah why not...

Toxicity

have you ever been to a place where you stand there alone and you feel the fresh air passing by?

but then come a person stand by your side, and give some energy towards you and the environment...and if it's positive, then you will feel like the environment is still nice, but then if it's negative then you feel like the environment has been polluted...

so you start to have feelings that the air is dirty, smoke and harmful for your lungs...

then comes the suffocation....

so you try your best to stay in that kind of environment...you wear masks...change is from day to day to keep it clean...

but then have you ever run out of 'mask' to wear? like literally 'forgot to go to the store?'

and there you are..sitting and suffocating...

when am i gonna get used to it? when am i gonna get immune to this? when am i gonna let go of the fact that i have to create a better place...not the other people...

i shall stop blaming the surrounding and start getting my own oxygen tank...so that i can survive and stay healthy here...

well readers...sorry for such metaphor...i really don't know how to convey this in a better form...

God, lead me...

Dr House

Before, i was watching house and wanna become a doctor...now i watch it and was asking...what kind of doctor i wanna become...
Will i be a good doctor? Am i approachable? Will i be a safe doctor?
Those are questions i have to seek for...

In the midst of giving up

In the midst of everyone is so giving up on life here...what should i do??
Everyone else is so focusing on their problems that people are actually forgot we come here to study and shall use positive force to cheer each other up...
What to do if no one here is acting like friends to each other anymore...
What to do when all the action came out from each person is all the negative forces...
What to do when the roof we living in are so suffocating and feel like a prison?
What to do if we are so giving up and dont wanna fight this anymore??
Why i feel like this place is getting more and more gloomy by days?
Why i keep on trying to survive at this place when i shouldnt??
Why i keep on getting aura that this place is full of unhappiness??
What happen to me?? Am i the problem? Thinking too much??

Oh whyyy

Oh why i feel ao empty...
What is this stupid emptiness??
I cant move...i cant focus...i cant breathe....
Oh God why its so empty...
Is all my passions gone??
Do i actually dont want to do this anymore??
Why when we finally get what want...and all we did is throwing it all away??
Phrak eiii chuai che duai...sathukkk

all i want is...

all i want is just a peace of mind....
all i want is just to know answers that i'm seeking...
all i want is just a little space to have my mind spoken...
all i want is just not to be in competition with the one i care about...

but human...
they tend to fight for their rights...
they tend to be so determine that their needs are more important than us...
they tend to put their needs in the form of cares, of helps, of sweet words...
and make us believe that that's what they actually meant...
but at the end of the day, what they want are actually what they come for...

all i want is just a peace of mind...to be able to trust that those around me
are actually care, are actually think that i matter...

but sadly, what i can i hope from it....

people are what they want...
people are what they need...

and all i need is just a peace of mind that i can trust people around me....

i just want the care i gave...

just tonight...i miss you

just tonight i miss you...
just tonight i'm gonna imagine you and missing you to the bit!!

owh how long have i been having this little feeling for you that keep on growing as time passed....
i have known you like forever...since we small, since we running around playing hide and seek...
you inspired me through primary school, through high school, and ever since...

i have always been lazy to study...but with the idea of you...who is so so so diligent...i tend to push myself through it...

just tonight i miss you...
just tonight i miss you...
just tonight i miss you...

i miss you dear...my inspiration~

there are so many things...

there are so many things going on...
there are so many people we dwell with...
there are so many moments occur without our consent....
how to stay focus? how stay true to your own goals?
when others come in and tell you theirs are what matter?
tired of priorities setting...tired of getting time in track and tired of listening to things you won't agree
but have to agree anyway...
there is no such things as alone...people evolve...world evolve and tend to include you...
you can't just wait for everything to stop moving then only you shall find your peace...
as Buddha said "peace come from within..." but seriously...why it's so hard to find one?

it's going to be hell of a sem

it's going to be hell of a sem...
since i have been confused even in my first week...
God...ease me through this...
i'm not capable of having less then it should be...
i have to get as high as possible..
help me through God....help me...

i'm searching for an answer...but why it's so hard to find one...

i can't seem to get close to the answer...
i can't seem to see the answer...
i'm searching for it everywhere...
but nothing i found but disappointment...
God, guide me through....i need answer...and i need solutions...
so i can get out from this sorrow i dig into...get me out...please

i'm searching for an answer...but why it's so hard to find one...

i can't seem to get close to the answer...
i can't seem to see the answer...
i'm searching for it everywhere...
but nothing i found but disappointment...
God, guide me through....i need answer...and i need solutions...
so i can get out from this sorrow i dig into...get me out...please

encounter difficult people

have you ever encounter difficult people?
difficult here might means not on the same page with you?
and they kinda live in the very same book with you so you can't run but to face that page everyday...

so difficult and denial until i can't breathe to face them...

how can someone be so difficult to deal with?

so denial...denying every words you said even if it's true...

deny that we don't work out and insist on working it out just as a drama for people to watch...
when nobody's watching it then they tend to act normal and careless...

how can i follow the flow?

i don't know how...in front people i act like this so same goes at the back...i don't have two types of action...real and fake...i don't have that...i wish i have only one, by principle, REAL....

how can you pretend so well? deny so hard? and selfish so bad?

how can you be such person and still breathe free among of people?

and why the hell i'm seeing this and nobody else does?

and why must i take your action as a friendship when i know deep down it's faking and competitive?

God, give me some strength...give me some strength...please....

little wake up call for me as 3rd year to be

"Mediocre surgeons will see you and feel themselves wilting in your shadow. Do not shrink to console them. Do not look for friends here. You won't find them. None of these people have the capacity to understand you. They never will. If you're lucky, one day when you're old and shriveled like me, you will find a young doctor with little regards for anything but their crafts. And you will train them like i train you. Until then, read good book. You have greatness in you. Don't disappoint."

- Dr. Thomas -

This statement above is quoted from Grey Anatomy. How true his words are? You can never imagine. I find myself in the same place. Place where i care too much for those who don't deserve it. I cried for their bad grades, and all they cried for are their boyfriends. I care too much that i will hurt their egos if i say too much or know more until sometimes i hold back. I sometime being lazy because it seems okay to be lazy there. What have i done to myself? I, with no money background should try more and shall stop feeling bad for wanting more or want to achieve more. But instead, i feel ashamed of  my capabilities to want more. How can other people achieve so much and i'm nothing but ordinary? They say you will become what you associate with whole day, not more or less one day you will. And they say you have to choose to mix around those with high achievement if you want some too. I find that words assaulting and disrespectful, but somehow it's becoming truer and truer. None of those surrounding me is being supportive with my dreams, my passion or my achievement, they find it intimidating and competitive, which is good right? but it hurts when it comes from your own person. I shall not be lazy, i shall not hold back, i shall not feel bad anymore. I shall focus on the goal I've been having. And God, please give me strength. I need it. They say don't blame others for your own less achievement, but sometime, you just need people around you to be as diligent as possible so that you will be too, that applied to someone as lazy and demotivate like me. I need study buddies. Need those who are not offensive and supporting. Those who don't get jealous and trying to bring me down. Those who can bring me up. I need study buddies. Which i can't find one there. And it's really sad. I need to surround myself with hardworking people. I'm weak, so i need it. No offense. 

what have i been doing dwelling with feelings and daydreaming? what have i been doing listening to people dreams and forgetting mine? What have i been doing hiding behind the shadows of people who try their best using me around for their own good? What have i been doing after all these time thinking i can take a day off and be lazy? which i have been taking months off. why am i so lazy? and why is it okay to do so? why have i lost so may confidence and passion? where all of those gone? why i let people make me walk shorter and shorter when i should be walking tall? i'm a very humble person, and polite, and they mistaken it by suppressing me down and down. why am i being shy in the wrong places? where where where is my confidence? this is too much lost. too much too much to bear. i have to get up from this nightmare. where have i been? why am i so carried away by feelings and people? they don't even bother. they don't even care. they don't even try. why i even bother?

wake up sumy. you have to wake up and try harder for yourself. get what you want. stop lazy around and follow people. you have your own personality, your own discipline. why following people? why care so much to try less in relationship just because you worry you'll lose them? they are not yours in the first place. they don't even try to be yours. they make it so clear don't you see?

 why you even try to even think about it? stop searching for true friends, they don't exist. not for you.

try harder for yourself. you can. achieve it. you're in a place that allow you to achieve it. use it. use it well. do it well.

don't have to be better than anyone, just achieve what you want. try to get there. please. stop losing track. stop it. stop being so emotional and brainless.

if only i can escape

i wanna escape from certain kind of people / living...

i wanna escape without hurting anyone or myself...

but how is that possible?

i'm sick of it...

i'm so sick of it...

so so soooo sooooo soooo sick of it...

God, how do i escape it?

feel like infecting people

"I feel like one of those people who's so freaking miserable and can't be around normal people,
like i'll infect the happy people, like i'm some miserable, diseased, dirty ex-mistress." -Grey.M-

well that feeling...is so true!