when we met....

when we meet those who are far more greater than us...we often go through stages of knowing and acceptance...yeap, i put it this way...just like stages of acceptance...

when we see that one person who is so much greater than us, we feel small...we want to be everything like them, we want to be everything but our own selves....

when we see how good they are that we often go through that kind of grieve...grieve and dwelling with our flaws...

we blame ourselves on how much not enough we are....we want to be like them, we want to strive like them, we want to be as fearless, as determine, as awesome as them...

when we encounter them, we wanna prove ourselves that we are good enough too, we dwell with wanna be nice to them and wanna kill them in the same time...

that can make anyone miserable, really...how can we envy and be kind to that one person at the same time? we are driving our brain crazy trying to stay sane with these facts...

really...just try and imagine...you cant love and hate one person at the same time...you either love them or hate them...there is no in between..you are torturing yourselves...

so i have come to calm this kinda situation down...so do i hate or do i love?

i have to choose, right? being in between is tiring...and miserable...really...

so how to stay with someone who is so much greater than us and still be fine with it? be fine with feeling small, be fine with feeling unworthy, be fine to say "yes, you're right?"....just how?

that is the questions i have been asking myself lately...

and how to even be fine with them being all bright and happy with what they are?

fuhhhh that's a lot...really...how to live with that? hahahha

i just have no idea...really...

denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance


but then, we have to come to the fifth stage sometime...we have to be there to be okay...

so its either, you really accept it....or you just accept it and dont wanna be a the same place forever...

so i have come to decision...to work hard...to be as good...to be as awesome...

so that i will know what they are talking about...

once, my teacher in high school used to ask me "Would you rather be with those who are less good than and learn nothing, or would you rather be with those who are so much greater than you and learn something?"

first choice is what we call comfortable zone, the second one, is when you grow up...

so this is me, facing another growing up in my life....

i have to fight this...i can, i know im great too...i know.

and i will get there too.

so stop feeling small sumy, you can do this....you can be bigger and strive too....

just that, will you be willing to accept that you're weak first? yes, you have to accept that then only you can work harder...because how could you work more when you think you already good enough?

nope...you cant...you have to accept that you have problem first to solve them...so its the same...
you have to accept that you're weak to be stronger...and that is the ugly truth that no one actually wanna face...to be miserable...

so, yes, im weak. and i have to get better....i have to be stronger...i have to be bigger than myself now...God...ease me through...ease me through...