it is....

maybe one day...seeking ends

NAK!!!! ;(((((((((((

another RM200 to go for u....

gosh...

chayok!!!^^

raya nie kerja lg;pp

just share what i feel like sharing...so, u too will feel it~

i blame everything for the sake i can't get what i want...

even blame myself, family, n lots...

but i never realize how much i blame God by that....

how much i am rude n not stay on the ground...

i should know this is a lesson, not opportunity....which i have doubted long ago....

n it shows now....luckily i'm not too flattered by it...but a bit carried away....a bit of confusion, lots of stress n lots of emotionally depressed....but now i know...now i can breathe healthily...no more suffocated...thank God for ur great help...for sending someone to open my heart, n my mind

last night...i happened to talk with one great man who struggle just to live but even more struggle just to be better...he used to get salary just around rm240 per month...but recently..he manages to make it to rm8000 per month...he is just retailer for toys...but before that, he had been doing so many types of work just to get to his standing point now...constructor, burger seller, pasar malam guy n lots more..he tell me;

"Sumy, sy nak bg tau satu benda...satu benda yg jd formula basic tuk manusia nak hidup, JANGAN SOMBONG. Tue je....sebab tue la saya boleh apa saya boleh selama nie...sebab, sy x sombong....Tuhan bg ape...kita buat dulu, kita ambik dulu...sebab kita nie org biasa...xboleh nak create ape2 tuk diri sendiri...jadi, kalau kite sombong..kite x akan dapat nak harungi hidup mcm nie...bnyk rugi nnt...Sumy kenal x sesumpah? Yes, hidup mcm dia la...kena letak ats pokok, dia tukar warna koko, kena letak atas daun, dia tukar warna hijau...so, ape sakit dia?? xde kan...semua untuk benefit dia jugak...kalau dia sombong, xnak tukar warna...mesti dah kena makan kan?? So, tue lah prinsip hidup saya...bukan sy cakap, kite kena lupa ape cita2 kita...tapi, maybe sekarang Tuhan xboleh bg lg...atau pun cita2 tue memang bukan btol2 cita2 kita...atau pun Tuhan nak tgk lg usaha kita..Tuhan tahu...DIA tahu smua...jadi, jangan sombong...adapt je...satu ari Sumy akan tau mcm mana smua nie btol2 bagus tuk sumy...'' --Abang Radhi ---

i nearly cry in that moment...but still carry on to smile....because, for the first time, I never doubt what people say....i always ‘pending’, to tell the truth, because for one reason, I have been thinking lots inside, to prove what they say is true or wrong...but for tonight, everything just go straight inside my head...maybe that is it...that’s my weakness, I am so stubborn just to hear, so how am I suppose to learn? I am sombong....yes, that is so my topic...n like he knows how...while I happen to meet him just for 2 days...gosh

after that, i told him all about the moscow thing, n upm thing...n he asked again, what is my interest? the real interest...not because of money, title or great stand...like i always want, just to make my mum proud, just to make money so my mum won't suffer, so i said...investigating, forensics, solving thing, because for real, my head never good with memories, but good with calculation, solving thing...n he said, see what God gives to you? Biochemistry....still can join forensics department right?? so, u still down? U will find it anyway, whether, its straight, short to go or long, hard, take time to go....u will find it anyway...because, God already set what is it that u can get...just, u have to work towards it.

n i say, my eyes is so much opened...thanks to Abang Radhi~

i will never forget~

plus he said;

''Kita jgn anggap kite dah pandai dan kita jgn anggap smua org lain, x pandai...sebab tue jugak salah satu SOMBONG... contoh; Kalau sy sombong, saya xakan tahu ape yg sumy tahu, n kalau sumy sombong, sumy xakan tahu ape yg sy tahu, btol kan? Jadi, tue je la yg sy nak pesan...sumy nk g study, sy just nak pesan ckit2 :) ilmu x akan masuk kat org yg sombong, perasan dah tahu, biar lah kita nie humble2 je, n smua ilmu masuk, lagi manfaat''

at last....

i trust Him
maybe...ak memang btol2 xlayak...ape la sgt offer letter compare to bless from God...
it doesn't mean anything....
sekali lg....offer letter yg akn dibiar letak lam kotak mcm yg len2 yg dulu...
at last ak pilih jugak nak jd patung lam list upu....
maybe the show will be great...
only God knows how i feel...
only those who care knows how badly injured i am now....
but i guess....nobody does~
all i can say is...
i shall trust Him...
He knows evrything...better than anyone else...
i shall trust Him...
n this is the best....
i should know

can i say yes?

can i say yes, i can do it??
but nothing shows i can say it out...
nothing in me say i can do it...
background, personality, my brain...haha nothing say i can do it...
n how am i suppose to say yes?
just passion? will it last long?
will i survive with just that single word?
what am i suppose to do?............

any warmth?

where can i find some warmth??

it's so cold here...very icy cold~

n lonely.....

Eyes open~

TAYLOR SWIFT

"Eyes Open"

Everybody's waiting

Everybody's watching

Even when you're sleeping

Keep your ey-eyes open

The tricky thing

Is yesterday we were just children

Playing soldiers

Just pretending

Dreaming dreams with happy endings

In backyards, winning battles with our wooden swords

But now we've stepped into a cruel world

Where everybody stands and keeps score

Keep your eyes open

Everybody's waiting for you to breakdown

Everybody's watching to see the fallout

Even when you're sleeping, sleeping

Keep your ey-eyes open

Keep your ey-eyes open

Keep your ey-eyes open

So here you are, two steps ahead and staying on guard

Every lesson forms a new scar

They never thought you'd make it this far

But turn around (turn around), oh they've surrounded you

It's a showdown (showdown) and nobody comes to save you now

But you've got something they don't

Yeah you've got something they don't

You've just gotta keep your eyes open

Everybody's waiting for you to breakdown

Everybody's watching to see the fallout

Even when you're sleeping, sleeping

Keep your ey-eyes open

Keep your ey-eyes open

Keep your ey-eyes

Keep your feet ready

Heartbeat steady

Keep your eyes open

Keep your aim locked

The night goes dark

Keep your eyes open

(Keep your eyes open [4x])

Everybody's waiting for you to breakdown

Everybody's watching to see the fallout

Even when you're sleeping, sleeping

Keep your ey-eyes open

Keep your ey-eyes open

Keep your ey-eyes open

Keep your ey-eyes open

Keep your ey-eyes open

part of life

i live my life worrying about my mistake...
she lives her life thinking about what mistake i'll do...what mistake i've done n try to put everything on the track...
i am tired of listening...while my head's thinking in other way...n she's tired trying to make it her way...
everyday...every moment past....i know i'm gonna regret every single moment i ignore her nagging...
n she knows how much i hurt for all those 'knify' words...
but this is a part of our life...stressful, nags, drama, laugh, sharp words, and LOVE...
i appreciate it...n i hope i can be less stubborn n u can be less perfectionist...
my life...my small world...but give me such a big3 impact....i hope i can be better~

i think...it's my call

i think it's my call...
and what my heart says...of course! tipu la klu xnak....
what my mind says...better no, this burden is too hard for her to bear...if u alone then it's fine..but u dragging other people along...and it's not ur principle to let her suffers for u....

and now that i say...i better forget what's in my heart...like i never do it before! ahah! let's get another round!
but this time...i will go through it with smile...i have been training for 3 years! another 4 won't hurt^^
bring it on!!! u can do this sumy!! let's make it clear! n let's hope i'll get good news by next week...upu coming out...better got any where to go...

IT'S OK!!! chilleexxx;)

i'm not sure if....

i'm not sure if it is a test or a way for me to get going....

i'm really3 not sure if God wants to punish me or give me a very special present...

i'm not sure if i can be selfish or selfless in this kind of time.....

God, u tests me hard this time...real hard~

a simple mail voice for HIM~

dear God, i'm so small that u might need microscope to look from up there...but please hear my voice bcuz it's so loud needing ur attention....i'm no one without u...i'm all alone in my deep2 thought of decision...i can turn to no one but to u to find the answer...and u answer me...just now, u said it's hard but it's good...is that mean i should do it? but i need a whole lot of hard work, smarty, n luck? i just really feel like i'm in a dark room...waiting for someone to open the door bcuz i can't open it on my own...my hands are tied, i sit at the corner..my legs are tied, my eyes even covered with a thick black cloth...i don't know if i will be able to see the light if nobody safes me...God, i really need ur attention...i really need ur help...i really need way to think...way to react n way to go through...i don't know if i can do this...i don't know if me n her can survive this...my dream is big...her determination to make my dream comes true is even bigger...me? i can/ cannot actually i know at heart...bcuz i used to be at the highest point n also at the lowest point...so i don't think i scared to go through it...but 'we can't get a carpet from the seller if we don't have golds'...that is our problem...it is such a burden...but she said she can manage it...but i can see how much tired her life a head if i don't care...i'm suffering absorbing abc, while she's suffering earning golds....but my suffer will be relief if i get help...and that help that i really want YOUR attention God...if i get that help...i will be less suffer...and she won't get through any suffer at all then....God...please help me n her...we need YOU more than ever...we really3 need YOU now...
please make it less hard...please make it less complex...please guide me through...i know it won't be easy n simple...i know.....
may this mail box appears to u everyday....just want to let YOU know...how much this is hard for me~

sincerely,
FAith bring her through...Love from Her make she strong enough to stand in this wide2 word....

should i? can i?? am i??

how far can i be?

how dare can i be?

how deep can i go?

am i able to bare it?

am i able to do it?

is it meant to be?

is it fate?

can i do it???

can i?

is it a suicide decision again??