I used to live in a school that people find it's stupid to dwell with feelings and to dream of relationships are ridiculous. Then, here i am at a place where everyone is dreaming of having perfect relationships and all i'm listening to is about relationship issues. So i kinda be in an adaptation for this. How to live in this place where people are talking about "Does he love me?" more than "How are we gonna study for this topic?"
I find myself so lost in majority...i can't focus on what i want when it's not the same as the majority's...i wish i can, but i can't. And it's not their fault to be so, and it's not my fault to be like this. I can't blame the people around me for my failure to focus.
But then it hit me, that one wise man used to say, your CGPA will be predicted from the environment you're in. Like, if you're in 3,9 kinda environment, then your CGPA won't be far off, and if you're in 2.5, then your CGPA won't be far off that either. So, as a student, i wish i will be at 3.9 kinda environment, so that i'll be driven to my breaking point trying to catch up. But as a friend, i wanna be with my friends no matter how their CGPA is.
Then, i notice the difference between what people of 3.9 are talking about in their daily life compared to 2.5 students. And it hit me, hit me real hard that i wanna be in that kind of conversation. The conversation of future, of career, of success, compare to of relationships and feelings or make up or hair or dresses.
I wanna be in that scientific talking and asking questions and searching for answers instead of sighs and tears from relationship failures.
I miss that environment, even, that kind of environment will create such ignorant, selfish and cut throat kinda world but still, i won't feel so lost am i?
Because right now, i can't manage to put anything else before my education and career...because that will determine my food, my drinks, my life later on. If i'm so lost in the feeling of neediness of a presence of a guy, a perfect guy in my life, to share my dream and my wish, then i will be so tempted to work for it. Which includes try and error in relationship. And this process doesn't take little time or effort. It's as much as doing the study things too. So, i can't manage to lose it right now.
I wanna be focus, and stay true to my goals. But it seems like it's ridiculous to do so here. Only time for that is when exam is coming and by means coming, is the next day... and that's the only time people are talking about books and knowledge. But, how weak i am? Am i that weak to blame it on my environment for my failure or success? How am i suppose to just wait for my environment to get better than only my life will get better? Why the hell i let environment involve so much in my life?
And what i urge for doesn't reflect my outcome. Those people i said to dwell with emotions and all even do better academically compared to mine who want to do just academic all the time. Those people i said to carry away my focus are the one who seems to be able to focus more.
So, the real problem here is me...i got carry away. I care, i think. i analyze, that consuming my time not theirs. I solved, they happy, they can study, but not me. I'm dwelling with thinking and thoughts.
God, how to get myself out of this mess i created? How to be able to focus when i urge to focus on something else? I'm going down unless i solved this...i'm so going down.
I can't seem to be able to catch up to the level i used to be in anymore. God, i wanna be better. I don't wanna shy over my attitude towards greatness anymore. I wanna be so occupied with studying that i have no time for feelings and emotions. God, i miss being that way. I miss not care so much. I really really miss it.
