i will outgrew this...i will

one day i'm gonna know how to deal with this and outgrew it.... one day i'm gonna be just fine... maybe in future there is so much more of this i need to face... maybe this is the best practice i need to go through... God knows what i need....and i need this...so yeah... one day i'll be fine with all of these kind of madness... i will... i wi...

2016's coming

so 2016's coming.... back up a lil bit...what were you doing in 2006 and what have you thought about 2016 back then? i never thought i'm here...i never know i'll be here... such a long way gone and such a long way to come... what will happen in 2026? so..just keep going alright? just keep going... because;  "Nobody knows where they might end up, nobody knows" -Grey.A...

collecting pieces....

how to collect pieces? am i not facing this before? why i don't know how to anymore? why the road seems to get darker and darker? collect your pieces together sumy...you can do this...yes you can... it's just a failure...you can get over it...then you shall do better...ok...

How to live everyday facing your failure?

How to live everyday...facing the failure that you cant do anything about it... Read that for 3 times... You are too tired physically, mentally and your entire soul is telling you...you cant do this... How to live like that and still can tell people all around you that you're okay? And still can work hard for the next day? Everyday needs endless fight that is getting bigger and bigger... Im so tired of unfair life...well who i am to say its unfair...God knows alright...God knows whats best for me...and for now this is it... Im too tired to be positive...

the only reason why God slap you in the face

the only reason why God needs to slap you in the face once in a while is because you need it. the only reason life needs to throw bricks at you is because they want you to stop for a minute and think. the only reason why world needs to fall apart is because you need to change. because it has been long since the last time you feel the drive to do better. you need this, there is no one to blame but yourself, do better. it's okay. you need this. other people? owh their time will come alright...you're not God to wish things upon them. just work...

what will happen after graduation?

what will happen to us after graduation? will we all be the same or we'll not contacting each other anymore? i hate acute relationship...i hate to know that one day all of these beautiful moments will go to waste and just get flushed away... can we make it to be friends forever? why i have so little faith in this friendships we have... is it because i'm too different from them? or is it because we never actually talk when we get home... because all we want sometime is just to end this and get off each other asap...am i right? later...we all will...

UNLUCKY

i feel like i'm not lucky with people.... i'm not what people want... i'm not fun...outgoing or best company on earth... i'm like...buzzkiller most of the time... i can't help but to have this deep deep deep unhappy personality.. i can't quite to shake it off...ever... so...when people are looking for fun...it's not from me... but when they have dark time or bad day...there, there is my place... because i have been through worse...so they might think i have good words to say... or made a better worse case scenario to make them feel better... i'm...

i wonder

i wonder how i'm gonna study without all these worries.... i wonder how that kinda night is... i wonder how if i'm fully scholarship and having sufficient of everything... i wonder how my result is by then... will i be this demotivated? will i be this hopeless and giving up? i don't know how long am i gonna be able to stay here... i don't know if i'm gonna be able to finish and grads like i always dream of... i wonder....

i think i know my diagnosis....

i think i know why.... since the starting of the semester... i owe so much... i guilt a lot and i'm worried... Owing, Guilt And Worry 3 worst things that are absolutely not healthy for a student.... Student needs to study in a calm and happy environment... how to thrive with guilt and worries? no can't do... and i'm gonna fail in so many levels if i don't manage this things... i just really can't wait to grads and leave this hell of living behind... i have never been in so much pain before... painful to survive and live my normal life...because...

I dont know what happen to me this sem

I dont know what happen to me this sem... I see people get better and better but me? Worsen and worsennn My God...i see those who asking me question before are teaching me and those who has no clues are presenting... Not that i dont know...that people cant be not know forever and people change...its good for them...im glad...but here im telling bout myself...i get worse and worse...my timeline screwed like hell and now here i am 1 week from exam and havent done any thing good for it...God...what happen to me? Why am i being like this? Why am i...

don't hope for the hopeless...you'll burn yoursleves

...

what's the story of this place?

when i finally grads from here...what's the story of this place? what will i remember? what will be the featured? am i gonna tell people this place is warm and happiest moment of my life? or am i gonna say this is the worst 6 years of my life? or am i just gonna say...there are bitter and there are sweets? for now all i can say is...this is not the easiest thing i have encountered so far in my life... the studying, the people, the financial and the emotional that's going on... my God...i'm trying to survive everyday...like...there is no day that's...

Everything is so hard when you're worried...

everything has been so hard when i'm in worries.... i can't think... i can't function... i can't do anything right... things that i'm holding keep falling apart when i'm worried... like a giant tumor pressing against my brain telling my neuron to stop firing.... God...why am i worrying so much? i'm stressed...i can't function properly... i need to plan...make a good plan...and i can't do it with these worries up my mind... God...it's so stressful that i can't work properly... Everything feels so cloudy and messy...Goshhh I just wish i can dissect...

at ease

at ease sumy at ease... don't go panic...don't go insecure...don't go insane... stay put...at ease....

where are you sumy?

where are you now? how far are you from what you want? how much have you done for it? my God...give me strength....

i'm constantly worried and confuse

i'm constantly worried and confused... i'm constantly scared and weary... i'm constantly feel the depress and loss of faith.... i'm constantly feel small and helpless... i'm constantly need and wanting things that i don't meant to want it... God...please help me...please guide me...please...don't leave me...

Now

แอบเหงา - เสนา หอย ทำตัวตามสบาย เหมือนเช่นทุกทีไม่มีทุกข์ร้อน..อะไรพอดนตรีบรรเลงเพลงที่คุ้นเคยเราเองก็ยังร้อง..ไปถึงคล้ายๆไม่เป็นไรสักหน่อยเเต่พอมองดูคนที่เขามีใครเเม้ว่าผู้คน จะรายล้อมอยู่ยังเผลอเหงาในใจเมื่อไหร่จะมีใครใครสักคนที่เป็นของเราเมื่อไหร่จะมีใคร ใครสักคนนะที่รักเราเท่านี้..ที่ต้องการ ขอเกินไปตรงไหนเมื่อไหร่จะมีใคร ใครสักคนที่เคียงข้างเราเเค่อยากจะมี คนที่ทำให้ใจไม่ต้องเหงา..ไม่รู้..ต้องเมื่อไหร่ เหมือนมันยังห่างไกล..นาฬิกาเวลาเพิ่งจะเที่ยงคืน ผู้คนก็มากมายพอดนตรีบรรเลงเพลงให้เต้นกัน ใครๆเขาก็เต้นไปยิ้มเเละทักทายกับคน รู้จักเเต่คงไม่มีใครลึกซึ้งใจเราทั้งที่ผู้คนก็รายล้อมอยู่...

sins

i never know it's this much sins to be a woman... i know we are in the era where there is no discrimination and all...but it's in the DNA that women are different from men and have so much of lacks and flaws in it... i feel sorry for women... sorry that we have so much emotions, hormones, and urge to want a guy so bad... sorry for that women 'are told' or have the mentality that men are everything...that men are the rule for women to be happy or sad...that their presence determine who we are or how good we should be... rarely women around me...

how weak i can be

i never i can be this weak...i never know...

Environment

I used to live in a school that people find it's stupid to dwell with feelings and to dream of relationships are ridiculous. Then, here i am at a place where everyone is dreaming of having perfect relationships and all i'm listening to is about relationship issues. So i kinda be in an adaptation for this. How to live in this place where people are talking about "Does he love me?" more than "How are we gonna study for this topic?"  I...

Fear

have you ever have fear? i bet everyone does... Will Smith used to say "I use my fear, fear of failure to drive me through" why my fear doesn't seem to be able to drive me through it? why fear seems to hold me back... This fear of failure...this fear of things changing...this fear of losing things, people and moments... God...how to cure this? They say cure your fear with faith...but i can't seem to do so... Why am i so weak? why am i so attach to fear? why am i shaking when i'm suppose to be brave and have faith with my life...but i feel...

Light

i wanna be someone who is light in her sleep, light in her eating, light in her needs, i wanna be someone who sits there happily to see someone else's happy... i wanna be light in my needs and heavy on her gratitude towards things that come to her life... i want to be a human who don't want much, and light on things, anger, lust and greed... God...help me...guide me through my path...guide me so that i can find myself out there who is at least half of what i want to become... I want to be good...i want to be glad and thankful...God...plea...

This is too long

This is too long... Im wasting my time here... Wasting money and energy... When i should be taking care of my mum.. Not busting my ass here and wasting her money and time not to be taken care of... My God what have i done with my life?? Im regret...regret being too dumb too stupid too ignorant too shallow to think it through before making my decision 3 years ago... My God...what have i done... I should be home taking care of her....

it's sad that it's all turned out to be the same...

it's saddened me that all of the people i know turned out to be the same when it comes to relationship... i don' t want to be like that if i'm in one...but who am i to think i can make it turns out differently... sure will be the same thing anyway...maybe that's why it's so hard for me to try one... maybe i'm not ready to lose myself yet...

Stupid heart or stupid brain?

one thing about heart is that..its stupid,... it feels too deep, it falls too fast and it won't forget... it's all about our thinking and dependence... we are so depend on the one we care about to make us happy... we are so hung up on the fact that with their existence only that we are matter...and the day will be matter... seriously? where is all our worthy? where is all our own values? to make ourselves happy on our own... that is why i said...stupid heart...stupid brain... can't get over the fact that one self is matter and only one self...

After all....

after all... after all... after all... yeah why not...

Toxicity

have you ever been to a place where you stand there alone and you feel the fresh air passing by? but then come a person stand by your side, and give some energy towards you and the environment...and if it's positive, then you will feel like the environment is still nice, but then if it's negative then you feel like the environment has been polluted... so you start to have feelings that the air is dirty, smoke and harmful for your lungs... then comes the suffocation.... so you try your best to stay in that kind of environment...you wear masks...change...

Dr House

Before, i was watching house and wanna become a doctor...now i watch it and was asking...what kind of doctor i wanna become... Will i be a good doctor? Am i approachable? Will i be a safe doctor? Those are questions i have to seek for....

In the midst of giving up

In the midst of everyone is so giving up on life here...what should i do?? Everyone else is so focusing on their problems that people are actually forgot we come here to study and shall use positive force to cheer each other up... What to do if no one here is acting like friends to each other anymore... What to do when all the action came out from each person is all the negative forces... What to do when the roof we living in are so suffocating and feel like a prison? What to do if we are so giving up and dont wanna fight this anymore?? Why i feel...

Oh whyyy

Oh why i feel ao empty... What is this stupid emptiness?? I cant move...i cant focus...i cant breathe.... Oh God why its so empty... Is all my passions gone?? Do i actually dont want to do this anymore?? Why when we finally get what want...and all we did is throwing it all away?? Phrak eiii chuai che duai...sathuk...

all i want is...

all i want is just a peace of mind.... all i want is just to know answers that i'm seeking... all i want is just a little space to have my mind spoken... all i want is just not to be in competition with the one i care about... but human... they tend to fight for their rights... they tend to be so determine that their needs are more important than us... they tend to put their needs in the form of cares, of helps, of sweet words... and make us believe that that's what they actually meant... but at the end of the day, what they want are actually...

just tonight...i miss you

just tonight i miss you... just tonight i'm gonna imagine you and missing you to the bit!! owh how long have i been having this little feeling for you that keep on growing as time passed.... i have known you like forever...since we small, since we running around playing hide and seek... you inspired me through primary school, through high school, and ever since... i have always been lazy to study...but with the idea of you...who is so so so diligent...i tend to push myself through it... just tonight i miss you... just tonight i miss you... just...

there are so many things...

there are so many things going on... there are so many people we dwell with... there are so many moments occur without our consent.... how to stay focus? how stay true to your own goals? when others come in and tell you theirs are what matter? tired of priorities setting...tired of getting time in track and tired of listening to things you won't agree but have to agree anyway... there is no such things as alone...people evolve...world evolve and tend to include you... you can't just wait for everything to stop moving then only you shall find your...

it's going to be hell of a sem

it's going to be hell of a sem... since i have been confused even in my first week... God...ease me through this... i'm not capable of having less then it should be... i have to get as high as possible.. help me through God....help me...

i'm searching for an answer...but why it's so hard to find one...

i can't seem to get close to the answer... i can't seem to see the answer... i'm searching for it everywhere... but nothing i found but disappointment... God, guide me through....i need answer...and i need solutions... so i can get out from this sorrow i dig into...get me out...ple...

i'm searching for an answer...but why it's so hard to find one...

i can't seem to get close to the answer... i can't seem to see the answer... i'm searching for it everywhere... but nothing i found but disappointment... God, guide me through....i need answer...and i need solutions... so i can get out from this sorrow i dig into...get me out...ple...

encounter difficult people

have you ever encounter difficult people? difficult here might means not on the same page with you? and they kinda live in the very same book with you so you can't run but to face that page everyday... so difficult and denial until i can't breathe to face them... how can someone be so difficult to deal with? so denial...denying every words you said even if it's true... deny that we don't work out and insist on working it out just as a drama for people to watch... when nobody's watching it then they tend to act normal and careless... how can...

little wake up call for me as 3rd year to be

"Mediocre surgeons will see you and feel themselves wilting in your shadow. Do not shrink to console them. Do not look for friends here. You won't find them. None of these people have the capacity to understand you. They never will. If you're lucky, one day when you're old and shriveled like me, you will find a young doctor with little regards for anything but their crafts. And you will train them like i train you. Until then, read good book. You have greatness in you. Don't disappoint." - Dr. Thomas - This statement above is quoted from Grey...

if only i can escape

i wanna escape from certain kind of people / living... i wanna escape without hurting anyone or myself... but how is that possible? i'm sick of it... i'm so sick of it... so so soooo sooooo soooo sick of it... God, how do i escape it?...

feel like infecting people

"I feel like one of those people who's so freaking miserable and can't be around normal people, like i'll infect the happy people, like i'm some miserable, diseased, dirty ex-mistress." -Grey.M- well that feeling...is so tr...

doubt

there is this one person that i can't seem to find reason to trust... i can't find any reason at all to trust... at all... If you can trust someone, you wouldn't have doubt in the first place right? means, doubt came with reason right? even if you don't know what the reason is? so, i can't trust you...means there is reason to it right? just saying~ why why why so hard to trust you? w...

can't fight fate

nothing can defeat FATE... if it's written that way, then that's all it is... nothing can defeat it... not even if you want it hard enough, or you deserve it, or you work hard for it... we don't know what have we done in the past and what will come in future... only FATE will lead everything into places... if it's not meant, then it's not... if it's meant to be then it will.... and something that's already fated that way, you can't change it... no matter how much you hate it, want it or run away from it... it will find you, and...

weird thing...

weird thing bout women, everything about feelings and affection is a competition... they see whom come first or after,.... they see are they being chose to be the first one or not... they count every single words that people around them talked...is it offended or cruel in the feeling kinda way... weird isn't it? very very very weird... everyone wanna be special and want to be the first without thinking its actually ok to step back and just be num second or not matter at all... nope, no one figures that out... everyone wanna be in the center...

Cliche

"Hate To See Your Heart Break" Paramore There is not a single word in the whole world That could describe the hurt The dullest knife just sawing back and forth And ripping through the softest skin there ever was How were you to know? Oh, how were you to know? And I, I hate to see your heart break I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close But I've been there before And I, I hate to see your heart break I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close But I've been there before Love happens all the time To people who...

easily awkward

i'm easily awkward...even to my close ones... those who can make me feel totally comfortable and not awkward, that's the winners... i just wanna see if we belong... maybe its too soon to tell from before, but i already set the answer as no...and it still is till now... what is there in the middle i don't know... we just don't belong.... maybe that's the answer, we just don't belong... as simple as that, and i can't force it... only God knows everything...and only Him will allow things to happen... if we don't belong, and not meant for each other...

...

i'm scared to go back home...

i don't know why i have this feeling that i'm scared to be at home... at home..i'm so small...i can't earn, i can't give much and all i'm doing is just laze around using my mum'm money and kill time... i'm scared i won't make it worth... i wanna be worth...do something, anything, to show my family that i care for their sacrifices... i want them to know that i know how much they're going through... God, i wanna be good daughter and grand daughter... i wanna be matter... i wanna contribute... if only i know how.. but then a voice inside...

how can women be so disgusting?

i'm a woman... i see women around me, women around the world, women stories... how can women be so disgusting? define disgusting? they can be so lost in emotions...  they can be so lost in stupidity... how can they be so lost? i see most of women are so lost in relationships... i don't know about guys because i'm not one of them... so all i'm gonna say about is what i see...what i experience... and women are not gonna like it when i put it this way... don't worry gals...i'm one of you... so, what was i saying? yes, how can...

came across this song

Song For Zula  by Phosphorescent Some say love is a burning thing That it makes a fiery ring Oh but I know love as a fading thing Just as fickle as a feather in a stream See, honey, I saw love. You see, it came to me It put its face up to my face so I could see Yeah then I saw love disfigure me Into something I am not recognizing See, the cage, it called. I said, “Come on in” I will not open myself up this way again Nor lay my face to the soil, nor my teeth to the sand I will not lay like this for days now upon end You...

have you ever walk down that memory lane?

that memory lane... that time that i was so nervous, hopeful, tortured by wishes and omg so many more feelings that are impossible to list down one by one... then here i am...nearly finishing my 2nd year here like i won't believe it's happening... few more exams then i'm done with 2nd year... but urghhh MRP, MIED, KOSAN PAYMENT, UNPAD PAYMENT and bla bla bla... gosh everything wraps up like wanna kill me alive... even worst on my...

one of Malay song...

"Bila aku jatuh cinta Kan ku sebut namamu Kan ku tulis lagumu Akan ku katakan kata-kata indah Hanya untukmu Bila aku jatuh cinta Kan ku sebut namamu Kan ku tulis lagumu Akan ku katakan kata-kata indah Bila aku jatuh cinta Kan ku doakan kamu Menyempurnakan aku Akan ku buatkan semua yang terinda...

you know what's scary?

you know what's scary? not the unseen love... not the soulmate who never appear in your life... not the rejection feeling that you get from your love ones... but it's the person who can't love... it's the person who thinks she doesn't not meant to love or to be loved... it's the person who trying her best to run away from it...and never think for a second that she deserves some warms and loves from people... that's scary... because from that...she has been hurting people who have pure feeling for her... because from that...she thinks she gonna...

compilation doa2 Amaaaa^^

DOA-DOA AMA: -  Wanni Amma Thambun Pai Wat Jungkau,Pha Dork Mali'Pai Pucha Luang Pho Na Dam Kho Hai Che Tham Exam Hai Dai Caaahh Sathuukk Lork Naah - Che Amma doakan Che buat yg terbaik dlm exam doa ini Amma panjangkan kepada kawan-kawan Che jugak - tarik nafas n go tru one by oneee - rakh a che caahhh - che ama rakh che thisudd - kho hai lork mi khuam suk mark markkk lek chork dee nai exam tmrw cahhh. Amma uai phorn hai che ans all q dee cahhh - kho hai lork mi khuam suk sumithra mark markkkk... - sathuk che amma...

remember

what makes you the happiest is the only thing that makes you sad the most....

have you ever scared of what you talked?

i do... it's haunting me... whatever i talked... i scared of what it might bring... i scared of it's impact... because nothing goes around doing nothing... even air is needed to be inhaled... even rubbish needed to be recycled... what about words? that coming out of us... words that passed through our brain... so it sure meant something... because that's what measured our brain.. on how it works... it's important... very very important... and meaningful... yeah that's the word...meaningful.. everything is meaningful....

i spent so much time worrying...

i spent too much time worrying about things i shouldn't be worrying about... i spent so much time trying to walk in someone else's shoes that i forgot to tie mine... i spent so much time thinking that people will be doing the same...but no..they're not... i spent so much time thinking, tip toeing, and caring that i forgot how to live... i won't do it anymore...will i ever? i scared of myself that i can't trust myself to be normal...to do what normal people do...you know, not caring and stuff... i'm such a naive... and i feel stupid... feel...

tomorrow

tomorrow i'm turning 24...and yet...i feel so hopeless and helpless... haihhhhh aging doesn't help here... it's just minus all my chances... maybe some... lot's of scholarship will be unavailable and tons more i'm not qualified for... i should be grateful... i should...but it just hit me on what such a failure i've become... just sad... damn sad....

searching for that person

so, think...who you gonna miss then... WIZ KHALIFA "See You Again" (feat. Charlie Puth) It's been a long day without you my friend And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again We've come a long way from where we began Oh I'll tell you all about it when I see you again When I see you again Damn who knew all the planes we flew Good things we've been through That I'll be standing right here Talking to you about another path I Know we loved to hit the road and laugh But something told me that it wouldn't last Had to switch...

stop

so Buddha said;  "If you try to fix others, have you tried fixing yourselves? it is hard?" "so, even yourself is hard to fix, what about fixing others? isn't that meant it's quite impossible?" so, whatever force outside that try their best to get your attention for anger, for revenge, for envy... stop... stop and think and stop that feeling within yourselves... fix it from inside... fix it bit by bit til you get over it... stop within yourselves... so let the peace comes from within... don't search form outside... you might think...

true happiness

true happiness is not exactly having giant house, tons of cars or big expensive breakfast... true happiness is sometime simply means having someone who shares your sadness in your true sad... someone you can talk to about your sadness for hours and not judging... someone who understand and won't compare their lives to you... someone who doesn't come up with impossible suggestions and just listens to what u have to say... some kind words of supportive and caring... some kind eyes and not happy wishing your doom... some true loves, sincere...

so they say,,,want it bad enough til you get it

i hope i want it bad enough that one day i'll get it.... ...

have u ever feel...empty?

have you ever feel empty? like literally empty on the inside? i feel it... i feel it now... people are all around me... chaos, works, study, stuffs...but still i feel empty... like at the end of the day, i always find myself all by myself and don't have any good feelings or good friends or good person to keep me thinking at night...to keep me missing them at night...i don't have that...just empty... this feeling sucks... it made you wanna cry but you couldn't bring yourselves to do it... empty....

Do you know where your heart is?

"Say (All I Need)" ONE REPUBLIC  Do you know where your heart is? Do you think you can find it? Or did you trade it for something Somewhere better just to have it? Do you know where your love is? Do you think that you lost it? You felt it so strong, but Nothing's turned out how you wanted Well, bless my soul You're a lonely soul 'Cause you won't let go Of anything you hold Well, all I need Is the air I breathe And a place to rest my head Do you know what your fate is? And are you trying to shake it? You're doing...

i'm letting go

i'm not gonna pretend anymore...i'm letting go~ from now on...i'm not gonna try to like her anymore, from now on i'm not gonna be worried or thinking or planning anything for her anymore... i'm letting her go... i  can see clearly now that it doesn't matter no matter how much i try to... i'm never gonna like her, even before, now or in future.... i'm gonna forget...forget that i used to care... i'm not gonna try anymore.... that's it... no more trying to like or 'jaga hati' or whatever... no more...i'm gonna be me...who...

God give me strength....

God, give me strength to go through those i have to face everyday... God, give me strength to go through my hatred.... God, give me strength to go through those who works with prides and egoist... God, hear me out and stay with me.... i don't know how much i can endure this hatred....i don't want it in my heart...i hate this feeling take it away God...and let me be a free soul...free from hatred, belongs and conceit.... protect me, guide me, stay with me.....

tired

i'm too tired... my lucks seem to run out these days... i go tutorial...there is no tutor... my things keep go missing... kosan's internet doesn't seem to be consistent... exam is coming but i don't even have study group... everyone seems to do their own stuff.... i can imagine how my result would be...and i really don't like it... God...give me  some strength to go through this...sathukk...

my favorite

“The important thing is that you work for yourself, not for my approval.  If you feel that doing well matters to you,  you become your most loyal fan as well as your most severe critic.”-Judith Rodin, PhD, president of the Rockefeller Foundation on the RockBlo...

superb advices

On Confrontation When I was maybe six, I saw 
a photograph in a magazine of a young woman holding a bouquet of flowers up to a police officer who was pointing a gun at her—it was a 1970s 
image from an antiwar protest. Terribly intrigued by the contradiction 
depicted in that photo, I asked my mother about it. She explained that the woman was trying to win over 
the officer with kindness. Her exact words: “Zap them back with super love.” I’ve thought of that phrase many times over the years in trying moments. I’ve never regretted zapping anyone...