little wake up call for me as 3rd year to be

"Mediocre surgeons will see you and feel themselves wilting in your shadow. Do not shrink to console them. Do not look for friends here. You won't find them. None of these people have the capacity to understand you. They never will. If you're lucky, one day when you're old and shriveled like me, you will find a young doctor with little regards for anything but their crafts. And you will train them like i train you. Until then, read good book. You have greatness in you. Don't disappoint."

- Dr. Thomas -

This statement above is quoted from Grey Anatomy. How true his words are? You can never imagine. I find myself in the same place. Place where i care too much for those who don't deserve it. I cried for their bad grades, and all they cried for are their boyfriends. I care too much that i will hurt their egos if i say too much or know more until sometimes i hold back. I sometime being lazy because it seems okay to be lazy there. What have i done to myself? I, with no money background should try more and shall stop feeling bad for wanting more or want to achieve more. But instead, i feel ashamed of  my capabilities to want more. How can other people achieve so much and i'm nothing but ordinary? They say you will become what you associate with whole day, not more or less one day you will. And they say you have to choose to mix around those with high achievement if you want some too. I find that words assaulting and disrespectful, but somehow it's becoming truer and truer. None of those surrounding me is being supportive with my dreams, my passion or my achievement, they find it intimidating and competitive, which is good right? but it hurts when it comes from your own person. I shall not be lazy, i shall not hold back, i shall not feel bad anymore. I shall focus on the goal I've been having. And God, please give me strength. I need it. They say don't blame others for your own less achievement, but sometime, you just need people around you to be as diligent as possible so that you will be too, that applied to someone as lazy and demotivate like me. I need study buddies. Need those who are not offensive and supporting. Those who don't get jealous and trying to bring me down. Those who can bring me up. I need study buddies. Which i can't find one there. And it's really sad. I need to surround myself with hardworking people. I'm weak, so i need it. No offense. 

what have i been doing dwelling with feelings and daydreaming? what have i been doing listening to people dreams and forgetting mine? What have i been doing hiding behind the shadows of people who try their best using me around for their own good? What have i been doing after all these time thinking i can take a day off and be lazy? which i have been taking months off. why am i so lazy? and why is it okay to do so? why have i lost so may confidence and passion? where all of those gone? why i let people make me walk shorter and shorter when i should be walking tall? i'm a very humble person, and polite, and they mistaken it by suppressing me down and down. why am i being shy in the wrong places? where where where is my confidence? this is too much lost. too much too much to bear. i have to get up from this nightmare. where have i been? why am i so carried away by feelings and people? they don't even bother. they don't even care. they don't even try. why i even bother?

wake up sumy. you have to wake up and try harder for yourself. get what you want. stop lazy around and follow people. you have your own personality, your own discipline. why following people? why care so much to try less in relationship just because you worry you'll lose them? they are not yours in the first place. they don't even try to be yours. they make it so clear don't you see?

 why you even try to even think about it? stop searching for true friends, they don't exist. not for you.

try harder for yourself. you can. achieve it. you're in a place that allow you to achieve it. use it. use it well. do it well.

don't have to be better than anyone, just achieve what you want. try to get there. please. stop losing track. stop it. stop being so emotional and brainless.