why i want to change the line?

it strikes me hard; ''Why i want to change line?''

why i chose Medicine over Biochemistry or Veterinary before?

why i chose the least possible compare to the possible one?

why i had been so reckless betting on my own time, my feelings, and most of all my future?

it occurred to me before that i might lose them all and yes...it happened to me...

i lost them all...

i can't go where i want, what's already in my hand, i let them go...

at last, all i grab is empty air....

and now i'm still asking myself...why did i do that to myself?

and why on earth that i'm being so reckless?

it all comes down to one simple answer...

.D.E.S.I.R.E.

i desire to do Medicine...

i desire to pursuit my dream of becoming a doctor...

even people say, it's reckless, impossible and hopeless...

but in me...that desire is just never end hoping to surface...

now, i'm still even trying for another time...

another last time...

the outcomes might be the same or comes true...

it all depends on me, my fate, my hard works and most of all God's willing....

but before i jump to that end with my own doubt and imagination,

i will have my own last fight for it...

for now, i'll just think that, it's more possible with more effort...

i shall fight and try another one last time...

just this one...another one shot left to bet on...

because later, when the battle end, and the champion is announced, 

i will not have anymore chance but to accept the result....

when the battle end...

i will have to accept the fact that i can try no more...

i can hope no more...

and i can dream no more...

all i need to do is to accept it and go on...

God, forgives me....

i dream too high that i'm still not sure if i can't make myself growing that high...

but, i'm trying...

i'm trying...

i'm trying...

God, i'm trying...bless me~

"Who You Are"

"Who You Are" 

by JESSIE J.

I stare at my reflection in the mirror:

"Why am I doing this to myself?"

Losing my mind on a tiny error,

I nearly left the real me on the shelf.

No, no, no, no, no...

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,

It's okay not to be okay.

Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.

Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,

Just be true to who you are!

Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?

I forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah!

The more I try the less it's working, yeah

'Cause everything inside me screams

No, no, no, no, no...

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,

It's okay not to be okay.

Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.

But tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,

There's nothing wrong with who you are!

Yes, no's, egos, fake shows, like WHOA!

Just go, and leave me alone!

Real talk, real life, good love, goodnight,

With a smile, that's my home!

That's my home, no...

No, no, no, no, no...

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,

It's okay not to be okay...

Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.

Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,

Just be true to who you are!

Yeah yeah yeah

change is not easy

i ask myself....what do i want to write tonight....

i wanna update this blog...

at least, it's a sign i still have strength left to say some words...

i'm on my way to believe that i can change....

so that it will bring me to 'a change'...

then i'll do what ever it takes to change...

so then, i'll change...

not completely but as a process...

one step at a time...

today, i've done my best on waking up early, 

tomorrow, i'm gonna add exercising, 

the next day i'm gonna add on studying,

then each day soon, will be better and better and better...

that's what i've planned to do...

and i did some of them...

one wise man said 'Change is a process, not an event' and i get it...

i'm working on it...

God, gives me strength...so that i'll be better and better...

Sathuk~

wondering...what kind of life i'll have in the next 5 years??

i can't see it...

i can't predict it...

i can't even guess about it...

''What u did back then, will give the same amount of payback to you, won't be more or less'' -Buddha-

i don't know how much i've done good deed back then...

and i don't know this thing that i want, suit it or not...

but i hope, it's not a sin to try...

but then now...

i'm too scared just to try...

first step, starting point is always the hardest...

i'm finding reasons, lazy n sleepy every time i'm about to start doing it...

goshhh what happen to me?

haven't i realized that i need to do this and make it real??

God.....

it'a already February....

stress suddenly hit me in the face right after looking at the calendar...

i've got only 4 months to go...

lots of topics to cover and i'm still here wasting time on regrets, fears, and doubt...

Sumithra, why don't u wake up and start anew?

why don't u just be brave and make the best out of it?!!

why keep struggling with fears and doubt??

it's going to be ok sumy...

this one, this time...u know what should do...

at least for now, everything u know is strong enough to make u believe again...

go sumy!

let's start now!

let's get busy with studies again!!!>.<

Phrak eei chuai che duai...SATHUK~

:: เคว้งคว้าง ::

nologo 

:: เคว้งคว้าง ::

เหมือนหลุดลอย ไร้แรงยึดเหนี่ยว 

เหมือนกับเรือ ไร้การควบคุม 

นับจากวัน ที่เธอลับลาไกล 

นับจากคืนที่เธอจากฉันไป 

* เปลี่ยนชีวิตและมุมมองฉัน 

nologo เคว้งคว้าง Lyrics

ฝันไว้ในใจยังไงมันก็จางหาย 

สิ่งที่เคยหวังใช้ประคองใจ 

ให้ก้าวเดินไป ไม่อยู่ไม่มีเหลือแล้ว 

** ได้แต่เคว้งคว้างล่องลอยสู่คืนที่มืดมิด 

ไม่มีทิศทางไป เมื่อต้องเสียเธอ 

ได้แต่เคว้งคว้าง 

เหมือนทุกอย่างเป็นเพียงภาพเบลอ 

โลกที่ฉันยืน พังทลาย 

เหมือนจิตใจ เสียความสมดุล 

เหมือนหล่นไป ในบ่อสีดำ 

ไร้จุดหมาย ไม่มีที่รั้งไว้ 

ฉันไม่รู้ ได้หยุดที่ใด 

(* , **) 

ได้แต่เคว้งคว้างล่องลอยสู่คืนที่มืดมิด 

ไม่มีทิศทางไป เมื่อต้องเสียเธอ 

ได้แต่เคว้งคว้าง 

เหมือนทุกอย่างเป็นเพียงภาพเบลอ 

โลกที่ฉันยืน พังทลาย 

How wrong is a dream??

Once dream can be real if it is a right one...

Most dreams scattered because it is a wrong one...

This is not pessimism....

But one wise man said " don't set your dream too high tht you can't make to archive it..."

It is true n I learn it hard way...some may say I deserve it, to dream tht high..well they're wrong...

And some say I'm not worth it...well they're right...

God shows me how real this world I live in...

and teaches me tht I need to be real...thank God...I need a wake up call....i always am....

another Tarot...

''You are now indulging in the past and unwilling to look to the future. That leads to the changes that should have carried out to a standstill, and thereby causes the formation of a deadlock. You are reluctant to move forward into the future. This will not only prevent you from growing, but also blocking you from new opportunities. Be considerate and let your wisdom plays its due role. You need to improve your learning method in order to achieve good results.''

slimming?

my mum asked; why not u try slimming drink?? let's try...

i've been thinking...i wanted to..but then, it costs a lot...

i think it's better to save money for books soon...

haihhh let's get to bachelor first la...then only will think bout beauty...

actually now, i'm on my 'diet-tak-diet' thing 

ngeeee;pp

i can't get the weight down...at least it won't go up...

let's stay like this for now...

my health is still fine due to my age, metabolic rate is still running (for now)...

i'll try on work out more n eat less la;ppp

chayok! ;)))

i've learned...

....PATIENCE....

such a simple word, but yet with lots of 'e', this before that and sound a bit like science...

ok enough with my freak on 'over' =_='''

what i'm trying to say is, PATIENCE is not as simple as it sounds....

i've learned it hard way...

i've waited for something since jan, result is on july...after result out, enrollment in sept...

(this is all bout 2012)

-you know what i mean-

but then around june, something came in, had my attention...so i extend the wait til nov...

and at last, it's all cancelled, 

so now i need to wait for june, july, and sept again...

so can i say, 1 year and a 1/2?

that i'll spend my life on WAITING?

ergo....i learned PATIENCE...

and still learning, adapting, trying, PRAYING...

Goshhh...

not just anyone will understand this...

not just anyone can bear this much...

if i'm the other person who look into this, i'll say 'You Rock!'

God, give me strength to go for another 7 months...

give me strength cause i've found my faith...

i've found my brave...even it's not a jar much....but i'm having it...

i'll create it more and more...replicate...like a cell from one to another...

God, guide me...for that i'll not lose again...

where do you set your happiness??

where do you set your happiness?

best score?

big house?

new car? new bike?

get bonus?

lots of friend?

perfect?

all of these can bring happiness to you of course...

but is it long?

WHAT ABOUT THESE??;

Happy to further relationship from just friends to best friends...

Happy to say 'I Love You Mum, Dad'...

Happy to be able to apply the knowledge you learned compare to getting best score....

Happy to earn things from your hard work rather than some else giving...

Happy to be able to finish works based on your planned schedule....

Happy to be able to answer all the tough questions...

Happy to share even in hardship...

Happy to say 'it's ok' when you're actually in the peak of your angry...

Happy to say 'Sorry' even it's not your fault, to make sure the relationship last long....

Make your daily life happy, with simple stuff that make big different...

Success shall come in your way one day...

Because God knows, you're trying....

Get HAPPY~

''Once must not set Happiness at the destination, fill it in your journey instead....''

''Anyone can get anything he wants, 
if he's happy with what he's doing''

so true....

i click on Daily Tarot on FB...

and i don't know...it's just really me...

''You will fail from your careless and inability to focus. You are becoming low in self-esteem and jealous of others’ achievements because of there is no opportunity for you to play out. You only follow your own ways and don’t care what other people think. You are having trouble in making progress as you are having hard time to stick with your learning methods. Thus, you will not do well on exams.''

it's just....me...now~

a little motivation.....

thanks to Mustaza Syirin's tumblr reblog....

let go of the past....let go of old you...do it again...start a new...

even this is the tenth, hundredth, thousandth times of your 'new start'....

just start again....

do it again...

renew the plan....

DO IT AGAIN!

is it meant...giving up?

i have all reasons to give up and walk away...

since my first trial, is not what it's looked like....

and turned out the other way round....

and now i'm telling myself to have faith and try it again...

it went well for couple of weeks....

but now i realize...

i don't try anymore...

i get lazy...

i waste most of my time finding reason not to put myself to study...

i give up is it?

in my head, all i think is ; 

It won't happen, it will fail anyway, it's out of my league, bla..bla..bla...

all these thoughts made me who i am today...

all these fears fight and kill my faith til i can't see any of it left....

God....why it is so hard for me to trust myself and be able to make myself trusting myself?

i'm indeed going through lots of fails...but is that mean there will be no success for me in the future?

why am i keep telling myself that i'm gonna fail again?

why it is so hard for me to have gut to face it and change my attitude to become a better student?

get study and get great scores later in exam?

i hate giving up feeling! >.<

because sometime, i don't even realize it is there, dragging me down....

i feel supper stupid, self-destruct, useless and hopeless now ;((((

all i wish to have is WILL, BRAVE, FAITH and PASSION...

all these words, do hard to come by....

God....give me strength....

scared and fear does kill..i learned it in hard way~

because of scared, i've been too miserable to myself...

i scared to choose, i scared to step ahead, i scared just to imagine who i can become...

i have dreams...but then they all lie in deep deep ocean, too scared to get surfaces....

but now....

i'm gonna dive and bring it up...

make it reaches the surface and even bring it to the shore...

God, please give me strength...

i understand why i keep can't get to where i want...

it's all because i'm scared...

too scared to say, too scared to act, too scared to participate...

it's just too miserable that i wish i can be born again to change it...

however, human can always try again...

and thank God for pausing me...

thank for giving me time to think, practice, creating myself for a better me...

so that i will be more worthwhile on what so ever thing that i'm gonna do later on...

''it's not excellent course of study that make the student excellent,

 it's the student's excellence to make whatever he's studying excellent''

''it's not excellent job that make yourself seemed excellent, 

but your own excellence will make the job seemed excellent''