encounter difficult people

have you ever encounter difficult people?
difficult here might means not on the same page with you?
and they kinda live in the very same book with you so you can't run but to face that page everyday...

so difficult and denial until i can't breathe to face them...

how can someone be so difficult to deal with?

so denial...denying every words you said even if it's true...

deny that we don't work out and insist on working it out just as a drama for people to watch...
when nobody's watching it then they tend to act normal and careless...

how can i follow the flow?

i don't know how...in front people i act like this so same goes at the back...i don't have two types of action...real and fake...i don't have that...i wish i have only one, by principle, REAL....

how can you pretend so well? deny so hard? and selfish so bad?

how can you be such person and still breathe free among of people?

and why the hell i'm seeing this and nobody else does?

and why must i take your action as a friendship when i know deep down it's faking and competitive?

God, give me some strength...give me some strength...please....

little wake up call for me as 3rd year to be

"Mediocre surgeons will see you and feel themselves wilting in your shadow. Do not shrink to console them. Do not look for friends here. You won't find them. None of these people have the capacity to understand you. They never will. If you're lucky, one day when you're old and shriveled like me, you will find a young doctor with little regards for anything but their crafts. And you will train them like i train you. Until then, read good book. You have greatness in you. Don't disappoint."

- Dr. Thomas -

This statement above is quoted from Grey Anatomy. How true his words are? You can never imagine. I find myself in the same place. Place where i care too much for those who don't deserve it. I cried for their bad grades, and all they cried for are their boyfriends. I care too much that i will hurt their egos if i say too much or know more until sometimes i hold back. I sometime being lazy because it seems okay to be lazy there. What have i done to myself? I, with no money background should try more and shall stop feeling bad for wanting more or want to achieve more. But instead, i feel ashamed of  my capabilities to want more. How can other people achieve so much and i'm nothing but ordinary? They say you will become what you associate with whole day, not more or less one day you will. And they say you have to choose to mix around those with high achievement if you want some too. I find that words assaulting and disrespectful, but somehow it's becoming truer and truer. None of those surrounding me is being supportive with my dreams, my passion or my achievement, they find it intimidating and competitive, which is good right? but it hurts when it comes from your own person. I shall not be lazy, i shall not hold back, i shall not feel bad anymore. I shall focus on the goal I've been having. And God, please give me strength. I need it. They say don't blame others for your own less achievement, but sometime, you just need people around you to be as diligent as possible so that you will be too, that applied to someone as lazy and demotivate like me. I need study buddies. Need those who are not offensive and supporting. Those who don't get jealous and trying to bring me down. Those who can bring me up. I need study buddies. Which i can't find one there. And it's really sad. I need to surround myself with hardworking people. I'm weak, so i need it. No offense. 

what have i been doing dwelling with feelings and daydreaming? what have i been doing listening to people dreams and forgetting mine? What have i been doing hiding behind the shadows of people who try their best using me around for their own good? What have i been doing after all these time thinking i can take a day off and be lazy? which i have been taking months off. why am i so lazy? and why is it okay to do so? why have i lost so may confidence and passion? where all of those gone? why i let people make me walk shorter and shorter when i should be walking tall? i'm a very humble person, and polite, and they mistaken it by suppressing me down and down. why am i being shy in the wrong places? where where where is my confidence? this is too much lost. too much too much to bear. i have to get up from this nightmare. where have i been? why am i so carried away by feelings and people? they don't even bother. they don't even care. they don't even try. why i even bother?

wake up sumy. you have to wake up and try harder for yourself. get what you want. stop lazy around and follow people. you have your own personality, your own discipline. why following people? why care so much to try less in relationship just because you worry you'll lose them? they are not yours in the first place. they don't even try to be yours. they make it so clear don't you see?

 why you even try to even think about it? stop searching for true friends, they don't exist. not for you.

try harder for yourself. you can. achieve it. you're in a place that allow you to achieve it. use it. use it well. do it well.

don't have to be better than anyone, just achieve what you want. try to get there. please. stop losing track. stop it. stop being so emotional and brainless.

if only i can escape

i wanna escape from certain kind of people / living...

i wanna escape without hurting anyone or myself...

but how is that possible?

i'm sick of it...

i'm so sick of it...

so so soooo sooooo soooo sick of it...

God, how do i escape it?

feel like infecting people

"I feel like one of those people who's so freaking miserable and can't be around normal people,
like i'll infect the happy people, like i'm some miserable, diseased, dirty ex-mistress." -Grey.M-

well that feeling...is so true!

doubt

there is this one person that i can't seem to find reason to trust...
i can't find any reason at all to trust...
at all...

If you can trust someone, you wouldn't have doubt in the first place right? means, doubt came with reason right? even if you don't know what the reason is? so, i can't trust you...means there is reason to it right? just saying~

why why why so hard to trust you? why?

can't fight fate

nothing can defeat FATE...

if it's written that way, then that's all it is...

nothing can defeat it...

not even if you want it hard enough, or you deserve it, or you work hard for it...

we don't know what have we done in the past and what will come in future...

only FATE will lead everything into places...

if it's not meant, then it's not...

if it's meant to be then it will....

and something that's already fated that way, you can't change it...

no matter how much you hate it, want it or run away from it...

it will find you, and be the way it should be...

weird thing...

weird thing bout women, everything about feelings and affection is a competition...

they see whom come first or after,....

they see are they being chose to be the first one or not...

they count every single words that people around them talked...is it offended or cruel in the feeling kinda way...

weird isn't it?

very very very weird...
everyone wanna be special and want to be the first without thinking its actually ok to step back and just be num second or not matter at all...

nope, no one figures that out...

everyone wanna be in the center of attention, everyone wanna be special, everyone want their wishes fulfilled...

haihhhh what a tiring world isn't it?

what a tiring one....

God, how to live without all these tiny little worries? How to live without stepping on someone else's toe? God, how to live and let everyone happy and get what they want?

Cliche

"Hate To See Your Heart Break"

Paramore

There is not a single word in the whole world

That could describe the hurt

The dullest knife just sawing back and forth

And ripping through the softest skin there ever was

How were you to know?

Oh, how were you to know?

And I, I hate to see your heart break

I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close

But I've been there before

And I, I hate to see your heart break

I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close

But I've been there before

Love happens all the time

To people who aren't kind

And heroes who are blind

Expecting perfect scripted movie scenes

Who wants an awkward silent mystery?

How were you to know?

Well, how were you to know-oh-oh?

And I, I hate to see your heart break

I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close

But I've been there before

And I, I hate to see your heart break

I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close

But I've been there before

For all the air that's in your lungs

For all the joy that is to come

For all the things that you're alive to feel

Just let the pain remind you hearts can heal

Oh, how were you to know? (How were you to know?)

Oh, how were you to know?

And I, I hate to see your heart break

I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close

But I've been there before

And I, I hate to see your heart break

I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close

But I've been there before

easily awkward

i'm easily awkward...even to my close ones...
those who can make me feel totally comfortable and not awkward, that's the winners...

i just wanna see if we belong...
maybe its too soon to tell from before, but i already set the answer as no...and it still is till now...
what is there in the middle i don't know...
we just don't belong....
maybe that's the answer, we just don't belong...
as simple as that, and i can't force it...
only God knows everything...and only Him will allow things to happen...
if we don't belong, and not meant for each other then maybe i should just stop whatever i'm doing that i think we're belong...
it's sad...but its the truth...and i'm so sorry for both of us or at least for myself...
God..ease me through people God...ease me through...

i'm scared to go back home...

i don't know why i have this feeling that i'm scared to be at home...

at home..i'm so small...i can't earn, i can't give much and all i'm doing is just laze around using my mum'm money and kill time...

i'm scared i won't make it worth...

i wanna be worth...do something, anything, to show my family that i care for their sacrifices...

i want them to know that i know how much they're going through...

God, i wanna be good daughter and grand daughter...

i wanna be matter...

i wanna contribute...

if only i know how..

but then a voice inside my head;

"Go back sumy, they wanna see you..."

"Go back sumy, house chores is the least you could do"

"Go back sumy, accompany your mum through the nights"

"Go back sumy, just go back, and spend time with them"

"Go back, maybe it's you that need them more then they need you"

"Go back and Wai Phrak, because that's the one thing that always help you through bad times"

"Just go back, and fight the rumors, the talks, or whatever people are thinking out of you"

"Just go back and show people that you're still alive..."

I have no one back at home, just my mum and my grand ma and those puppies...

i have no best friend that so long never met, and missing to hell to meet...nope,

everyone have their own boyfriends and lives that i can't catch up with...

well, whose fault is that? yeah me of course...

i don't bother to keep in touch so who are there to welcome me back?

haihhhhh sadness to be at home is that one thing...

LONELY...

how can women be so disgusting?

i'm a woman...

i see women around me, women around the world, women stories...

how can women be so disgusting?

define disgusting?

they can be so lost in emotions... 

they can be so lost in stupidity...

how can they be so lost?

i see most of women are so lost in relationships...

i don't know about guys because i'm not one of them...

so all i'm gonna say about is what i see...what i experience...

and women are not gonna like it when i put it this way...

don't worry gals...i'm one of you...

so, what was i saying? yes, how can women be so lost in relationships? in loves?

i see lots of women are so lost in it...when i say 'lost';

they doubt their own selves...

they doubt their own beauties...

they doubt their own personality...

they doubt their own capabilities...

why can't they see? real beauty, real personality, real capability?

Men are so lucky just to get any woman...all women are pretty, all women will do anything just to keep their men happy, all women are hopelessly cares and worries...yes dude, ALL WOMEN are the same...

So women, why are you so lost in it? why let men treat you as such you have nothing to be respected? why let men define if you're good or bad? maybe love does so? maybe i'm too lost to see it because i've never be in one? or have i been avoiding because i don't wanna get lost in it?

whatever it is...how can women be so lost in it? so insecure, so doubtful...

oh dears...you all have nothing to worry about...men are just so lucky just to have you...

'good enough' 'compatible' 'pretty enough' oh God...all of these words are overrated! 

are they good enough for you? are they treating you the way they should be treating you?

stop being so lost in it...stop being so disgusting...

my God...what will i face after i wrote this? will i face the same thing?

i don't want to...

i don't want to be that kind of women...

will i be the same?

i don't want to...

please...i don't want to be like that...

i don't want to be disgusting~

came across this song

Song For Zula 

by Phosphorescent

Some say love is a burning thing

That it makes a fiery ring

Oh but I know love as a fading thing

Just as fickle as a feather in a stream

See, honey, I saw love. You see, it came to me

It put its face up to my face so I could see

Yeah then I saw love disfigure me

Into something I am not recognizing

See, the cage, it called. I said, “Come on in”

I will not open myself up this way again

Nor lay my face to the soil, nor my teeth to the sand

I will not lay like this for days now upon end

You will not see me fall, nor see me struggle to stand

To be acknowledge by some touch from his gnarled hands

You see, the cage, it called. I said, “Come on in”

I will not open myself up this way again

You see, the moon is bright in that treetop night

I see the shadows that we cast in the cold, clean light

My feet are gold. My heart is white

And we race out on the desert plains all night

See, honey, I am not some broken thing

I do not lay here in the dark waiting for thee

No my heart is gold. My feet are light

And I am racing out on the desert plains all night

So some say love is a burning thing

That it makes a fiery ring

Oh but I know love as a caging thing

Just a killer come to call from some awful dream

O and all you folks, you come to see

You just stand there in the glass looking at me

But my heart is wild. And my bones are steam

And I could kill you with my bare hands if I was free

have you ever walk down that memory lane?

that memory lane...

that time that i was so nervous, hopeful, tortured by wishes and omg so many more feelings that are impossible to list down one by one...

then here i am...nearly finishing my 2nd year here like i won't believe it's happening...

few more exams then i'm done with 2nd year...

but urghhh

MRP, MIED, KOSAN PAYMENT, UNPAD PAYMENT and bla bla bla...

gosh everything wraps up like wanna kill me alive...

even worst on my mum...

God, ease us through this God...i really wish i can finish years here and go back as a successful doctor...

i ask so much that sometime i ashamed of myself...

am i worth it?

will every penny my mum spent on me be worth it?

God...i'm really really really scareddddd 

:( 

help me...

one of Malay song...

"Bila aku jatuh cinta

Kan ku sebut namamu

Kan ku tulis lagumu

Akan ku katakan kata-kata indah

Hanya untukmu

Bila aku jatuh cinta

Kan ku sebut namamu

Kan ku tulis lagumu

Akan ku katakan kata-kata indah

Bila aku jatuh cinta

Kan ku doakan kamu

Menyempurnakan aku

Akan ku buatkan semua yang terindah"