that moment...

that moment when the selfish ones are tired...
and you just...you have no idea what i have been through just to have you in my life....

is there any way out of this?

is there any way out of this?

me being selfish and me wanting to be nice in this world...
is there any way out of this that can make everyone happy including myself?

phrak eii chuai che duai....

i'm sad because

i'm sad because i'm surrounded by people who running around searching for happiness but never once stay with their own selves....
i'm sad because everyone counts little things people do but never count giant things they've done....
i'm sad because all of my life i have known compassion but here it doesn't apply until you're useful...
i'm sad because people would rather be rude and seem strong than be kind and seem weak...
i'm sad because everyone here thinks they are special and deserve attention but no one actually give any back...
i'm sad because everything here is a race...not of success but of fame, attention, loves and status...
i'm sad because when i sit there and sad, or just said i'm sad...people will not even ask why...
i'm sad because i'm here thinking about this, on how to survive in such world but they are there living carelessly not thinking about anyone but themselves...
i'm that i'm this tired not because of studying but of people...
i'm sad that my life is hard this way...

is there any hope at all for people here?

is there any hope at all that they will ever change or at least any hope at all that i get less painful?

God...i'm sick...so sick...and i don't know what's the cure for it...

how

how to stay success when you're everything but happy?
how to stay focus and success anyway even when you're full with worries and sadness around your neck?
how to stay on the track? when there are millions of reason for you to not to?

how to empty this stupid endless thinking mind?

how to stop thinking about everything?

don't bother...

i don't even bother praying for the best anymore...
its like nothing is getting better...
i don't bother doing trying or even striving for better anymore....

yeah people said, everyone fails...everyone gets knocked down...

you haven't try my life yet...

i'm out of my time, out of my place and out of my reach here...

there is signs all over the place telling me to just freaking go home...

no matter how much i try...i seemed to be left out and can't catch up here...

i'm just too damn scared to try...because i scared of how much it won't be getting better later...
so i don't bother trying anymore...like seriously what for...it won't be good enough anyway...

people look at me and getting flattered when i don't know something...they want me to look dumb so bad...so yeah...so be it...i'm seriously dumb...going nowhere...can't you see i'm not your competition anymore, i'm not someone to look up at anymore...

study, finishing year, skripsi, bandung, arnes, lucnh, life, people, drama, weight, skin, body, dieting,
all of these...i feel too much...i feel it's too much for me to hold it in my hands...

nothing get easier i know...i know i should be positive...i know i should always try harder...do better....
but just...really...i'm tired.

Not in good shape

My life right now is not in good shape...
Anything anything anything at all can go wrong...anything can happen and nothing seems to make sense...

Its no joke how hard it can get sometimes...no joke...
And im surrounded by those who are not wasy to deal with either...well we are humans...who can be simple and easy to deal with?
But instead of looking at this as a bless...i look at it a curse..a freaking curse...

I resent those who doesnt make my life easier...i have a life a living a survive to fight for and for few people they can make it harder to breathe for me...

Im depressed and i dont know where to start or what to do anymore...

My brain has slowly giving up and panicking...

I dont know who i can talk to...to set my brain at ease...

No one here capable of listening to this...no one here can understand this...and its none of their fault...none.

Im so sick...and feel dreadful...im gonna resent every single person here...
Because my life is hard...and they never try to make it easier...

I cant seem to be complaining because this is so goddamn simple thing for them...

I sometime cant even affort my own lunch...and thry expect me to give them so much...

God...i will never know how i deserve this...i wont...im stupid...but God...can you make it easier for me?

How am i suppose to live in the same environment for another 2 years? Im sick of myself tht stuck in this situation again and again...
Everyday i ended up stressing about how bad my life is instead of make it better...

Im so stupid God...and all i have been doing is waiting for someone to safe me from this...for people to get better...and why i cant seem to adapt to them? Adapt to their nature behaviour? Why its so hard for me??

God...i wish i can get out from this...and stay in present...

Everything seems so hard...so freaking difficult to deal with each day...

I know i should be glad...but seriously...how to have tht heart? How to get back? How to be positive in all these mess i get myself into?

Gosh i freaking hate my life right now...hate it

i will always care...so much

Of course

Of course on earth, it's easier to be selfish...
it's easier to be bad...
to be not considerate...
to not wait...
to just think about yourself...
but that's not the best way isn't it?

so Buddha said....

"You give, no matter how selfish people get, you give anyway" -Buddha-

so i have come to understand what this words meant...when i encountered one. For selfish people there is really no other way to deal with them rather than just to give. Because as much as i wish for them to change and pray things will turn out differently, it won't.

so, i need to give...because there might seem like i'm at lost here, but maybe some other way, God will grant me with peacefulness of feeling fulfillment...because if i go down to their level and being selfish too, i won't be able to live with myself...it's disgusting...so maybe if i'm being me, maybe not all the time its satisfying...i will be fine with the peacefulness at least.

i keep asking, what world want so much from me? and the answer as for now is...EVERYTHING that i can give...world doesn't care how much i lose, they only care how much they get...and the problem with me when i taking something from people is, i see what they lose, so i don't take...but selfish people, they will always see what they get...and being so ignore with what people lose, they don't care...as long as they get what they want...they don't care what you lose...they don't care if what they ask are too much for other person to bear...they won't care even if they're being told to.

and that just make life getting more and more suck if we choose to care how much selfish people care...

i can live without you before...

i can live without you before...
i can live without you now...
and in future...
i will be fine.

since when?

since when my life gets so boring when it's without you?

i rechecked my lists

i rechecked my "8 type of Toxic Friends"

You basically completed 8/8 of them...yeah, science is not kidding...and i shall know better~

there is

there is reason why God put people in or out of our life....
Trust him...He out of all people will never have bad intention towards you..you know...
so stop trying so hard for those who's not in your life, and start try hard for those who's in it...
you can do this.

that moment when you want the fantacy to live...forever

how long would this be?
how long will i be this happy?
i just hope it's long enough...
because a person like me...not really lucky...