oh God....

my mind...one side is thinking bout exams that's coming in the next 9 days....yeah 9 freaking days left! >.< 

and another side, thinking bout procrastinating, lazy, giving up. so hard to start, and all those negative stuff that won;t make myself study...urghhhh

really sick of these feelings!

when am i gonna get it that i'm the only one who can safe myself from darkness, no one is coming to take me to the bright side, if i can't bring myself there, then, i;m not gonna get there....

Phrak ei...chuai che duai....sathukkkk

why am i so hopeless? ;(((

till when u gonna be a loser?

till when u gonna be a loser sumy?

control your mind!

don't make every day goes by so hard by searching for reasons to not be happy!

and just make yourself study please!

that's your purpose of being here...not trolling around, having heavy feelings, care, feeling bad or what so ever time consuming useless things!

gosh!

get back to your sense!

why are u so lost?!

it's that hard to study?

don't you want this? 

don't you love this?

environment?

no, nothing to blame here....you know...environment never affecting any of you study behaviour before, why now?

why care?

why bother?

why put other's mood on yourself?

there is time you need to wake up and be happy on your own...

people have their up and down time...

and you can't be responsible for every down or up of them...

and you?

yeah, when u have your up and down, do you think people even care?

you are always 'fly alone', lone ranger or what ever they call it right?

so why bother attaching?

WAKE UP!

stop feels too much, stop cares too much!

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

do your stupid studying and get there!

pass the exams!

sumy seriously

sumy seriously?! since when your happiness is based on others?

since when??!!

urghhhh 

come back to your sense!

you can do this!

yeah, drifted away by that much!!

urghhhh

STUPID?!

omg omg omg what have i done to myself?!

shit!

ok sorry for that~ ;pp

thank God for today....all of sudden, i feel like i'm fully awake!

so much to study sumy!

and still keep on 'layaning' feelings and people who just as stress as you and they create their own pollution...and you are so involved...goshhh since when ko kisah dunia nie??

STUDY SAYANG STUDY!

GOSHHHHH

study pleaseeeee!!!

keep your head clear!!!

pleaseee

study!

20 DAYS TO GO!

chayok!!!!! >.<

lega

whenever i call my mum...she'll know exactly what i feel from my voice in the phone...

and when i say i'm stress...

she'll always know it's not about studying...

not that i'm that good...but she knows how much i love learning and never curse the knowledge for being too hard to understand...

she knows i have very least interest in human relation...

and all she said is...those who give you problem won't give you grads cert or 4.0 or pass the sooca...

it's you who will bring yourself there...so, don't bother making them creating your results...

focus on studies...

because this kind of relation stuff will pass but your result stays forever...

thank you Ama..

i feel so much better talking to you...

even it's not much but it feels so relieved...

not that she asks me to be selfish...or being so focus on goal kind of person...

but she said sometimes, this kind of problem is just so little but your brain tend to make it big...

because we got emotional...

emotional always win to those who never think...

Ama...i wish i can be home...just sit there...that's it...my strength just came back again~

what it feels like?

what it feels like to be;

good

bad

smart

stupid

rich

poor

pretty

ugly

under dog

popular

friends

strangers

religious

rebelling

discipline

messy

clean

awesome

fun

boring

introvert

extrovert

sick

healthy

full

hungry

following

managing

nervous

failing

successful

on top

totally at the bottom?

all of these conditions or feeling will always come and go...

for a while you might feel 10 of them in a very happy side and another time it's totally different...

so what it takes to accept all of these and not being angry, disappointing and giving up? 

or maybe too happy that you forget to pray or be thankful to God?

human is such a weak creature....

we have minds that control everything...how we feel how we act

and most of the time, after thinking plus personality traits, a person will act based on what they think is right...

but in another person, it might be completely out of mind or inappropriate or can be totally inspired...

human are weak...

a weak creature that change their minds everyday...

how to be consistent?

how to be alert and being able to rule out the wrongs most of the time...

like the wise always say 'Mind is a powerful tool in livings'

can't deny any of those words...

but here comes the hardest part; the Default System...

every person was born with Default System of the Mind based on lessons, 

or experience throughout their lives, 

so how to control your Default System? 

so that it can be changed and a person shall n act differently...

that's the GOAL!

most of successful people were being able to change that...

let's say his Default Sytem is Laziness...

so he practiced and changed that habit into Hardworking and just bammm!

he succeeded...

so it's a prime Goal isn't to change your Default System?

customize it from time to time to create a better one...

so...let's just keep practicing...

because your brain somehow save Default System based on what you do daily...aka; Memory

so if you're hardworking in daily basis, so, that will be your Default System...

so let's practice....

let's do it right~

there is nothing left to try

fragile

if it's that fragile...then it's time to let it go sumy...stop...stop trying so hard

just let it go...

it's too fragile...that's meant it's never a thing or it's just a pretend...

if it's not making you happy then let it go....

i can bet on my head that this weekend will turn out awful and indeed it does...

i don't know where went wrong but it just won't go right...

i try my best to do everything as right as possible but things just won't go the way it should...

i'm done grabbing it in my hands if it's meant to fly away...

broken stuff sometime is not meant to be repaired...

i'll just stay where i am and be who i am and wish people the best...

i'm here in competition with no one...because i know where i came from...

i study...i try....if it's turned out good then it's my lucks, if it's not then it's my bad...

yours turned out good or bad...better or worse than mine, trust me i've never put that in my mind...

your life is yours to race...not mine to race or judge or envy...

i live by side of Buddha which He always thought me to be in the middle, race with no one but oneself,

and shall always wish other people good...

i don't know why things turn out this way, why our time never match, why you can't bring yourself to understand me and why i can't understand you...i don't know...

i have no strength to think about all of these stuffs and still studying and doing my things...i can't 

i have to let one of them go...

and i choose to let you go...

maybe you need some space to hate me all you want...

maybe you need time to curse me and blame me for everything...

maybe for me being poor, lazy and not a good listener...

i do...i admit that i do...and will always be that way...

because the person you seek in me is not me...but trust me i try...

i try so many times to live up to your expectation...but it won't last...because human will never have enough...

if i pretend today...i will have to pretend forever...

which bring us no fair...

and i don't want that...

i love you...i will always do...

and there is no use i'm writing it here without telling you...

but i'm tired of being there...always have to seek n be there...

i just so tired of trying already...

i won't promise i won't try again...but seems like trying today is too much...

so i let it go...

i'm letting you go...

holding you too tight might have suffocated you...

so i'm letting you go...love...be happy...

for these few time ahead, i'm tired and i won't try...i just wish i still can smile in front of you...

i'm so sorry~

lovely

รักเคยพัดผ่านมา แล้วลับลาดั่งลม

ทิ้งเพียงความขื่นขมอยู่ในใจ

เฝ้ารอใครสักคน เมื่อสายลมพัดมาใกล้

อาจเจอใครสักคนที่ไม่ผ่านเลย

เพียงสายลมแผ่วๆ ทำให้ใจสั่นๆ

เธอคนนั้นเหมือนคนในฝันของใจ

เพียงสายตาตรงกัน ทำให้ใจไหวๆ

อยากจะรักอีกครั้งได้ไหม ฮึมๆ

สายลมแห่งรักพัดมา ขอจงอย่าพารักไป

อย่าพัดให้เธอ ห่างไกลให้เราห่างกัน

หากลมได้ยินหัวใจ ขอจงเมตตาบ้างสักครั้ง

ให้รักได้อยู่คู่กัน ให้เธอได้อยู่คู่ฉันตลอดไป

หัวใจที่ขาดรัก เหมือนฟ้าที่ขาดดาว

ทุกค่ำคืนเงียบเหงาและอ้างว้าง

ได้เจอเธอวันนี้ เหมือนดังปาฏิหาริย์

ฟ้าบันดาลให้รักมาเกิดกลางใจ

เพียงสายลมแผ่วๆ ทำให้ใจสั่นๆ

เธอคนนั้นเหมือนคนในฝันของใจ

เพียงสายตาตรงกัน ทำให้ใจไหวๆ

อยากจะรักอีกครั้งได้ไหม ฮึมๆ

สายลมแห่งรักพัดมา ขอจงอย่าพารักไป

อย่าพัดให้เธอ ห่างไกลให้เราห่างกัน

หากลมได้ยินหัวใจ ขอจงเมตตาบ้างสักครั้ง

ให้รักได้อยู่คู่กัน ให้เธอได้อยู่คู่ฉันตลอดไป

สายลมแห่งรักพัดมา ขอจงอย่าพารักไป

อย่าพัดให้เธอ ห่างไกลให้เราห่างกัน

หากลมได้ยินหัวใจ ขอจงเมตตาบ้างสักครั้ง

ให้รักได้อยู่คู่กัน ให้เธอได้อยู่คู่ฉันตลอดไป

ให้รักได้อยู่คู่กัน ให้เธอได้อยู่คู่ฉันตลอดไป

impossible week

hopeless, impossible and useless week ever...

i'm like a sail without direction...

i don't know what to do, thinking bout stuffs, worries and even let myself being bothered by useless issues...

panic attack? yeah, i think i about to lose it...i can't grab on it...

how am i suppose to survive this?

it's an impossible week...most impossible one...

my works all  are lagging behind, i've never been this useless...

God...

what's wrong?

where is my direction?

if this continues, i'm gonna lose it...

goshhhh 

help me~

money is fuel

various time i asked myself, should i just pack my stuff and go back?

it's getting to me now that i burden her so much...

money is like fuel here...

you can;t study with no money...

you need money to keep your notes coming, need money so that your brain can be fed,

you need money so that you can live on...internet, water everything...

goshhhh i just hope money falls down from the sky!

i can't ask more from ama...she has been putting up with me enough....

business? 

i'm thinking about it...

but time to read or live also i can barely got good grasp on it...how to leap?

God...the stress get to me...

 i can't bring myself to be ease to study at night...

so stressful...

if i made it to the end...i shall never forget these days that i can't even think of a snack...

because i don't have money to buy that...

God, give me strength...

give me strength...

give me strength...

life is just...so hard, cold and dark sometimes...

Bless me n my mum God...

we just wanna make it to the end...

my selfishness? i will never forgive myself for this...never!

there is no more selfish from now on...

this things must bring good things later on...

lives must be saved, spared and treated well...

yes, i'm making a promise here...

not out of anger, frustrated, stress or sadness, but out of me...

i must do good one day...help me get to that day God...and let money be the last thing

i'm gonna think about then...

hardship shall not be faced by any human on earth...

because it's the most cruel thing on earth...

most cruel~

Gravity

"Gravity"

by John Mayer

Gravity is working against me

And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh I'll never know what makes this man

With all the love that his heart can stand

Dream of ways to throw it all away

Oh, gravity is working against me

And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh twice as much ain't twice as good

And can't sustain like one have could

It's wanting more

That's gonna send me to my knees

Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me

Oh gravity has taken better men than me (how can that be?)

Just keep me where the light is

Just keep me where the light is

Just keep me where the light is

C'mon keep me where the light is

C'mon keep me where the light is

C'mon keep me where keep me where the light is 

.....................

non toxic

i wanna a non toxic relation....

how to have that with you?

i really really have no idea...

we will always stuck in this and regret it later...

how to solve it?

just how?

no trust left

that look in our eyes when we look at each other...that look that we both know,

we don't have trust towards each other anymore...

that look that it's killing but still i can't fix mine and neither can you...

so....what now?

how to life like this?

don't hate me

"Don't look at me like i'm done learning and i'm your competitors, 

i'm still a learner and will always be; 

religion, life, science....

i'm still a very learner for all those aspects, 

let's learn with me, 

don't hate me...

let's learn together, 

we'll pass through this together...please"