i need 'my person'

i need 'my person'....

i don't know all of sudden i'm just so envy of those who have 'their person'...

you know, someone u text every night before sleep...

saying good morning and asking bout lunch...

not really a guy...nope...just 'my person'

someone you gonna ask, "it's ok if i date that guy" that kind of person...

but most of the time...

the one i opened up to, are already involved....

sadness of life, of my life...

i never really have 'my person' on my own...

they are always better off with someone else...

and it occurs to me that; shall i change the way i think?

the way i think that this person shall belong to that and that shall belong to this...

and i can't see whom i belong to...

just...never seem to have one...

maybe i'm too used to being alone that i can't fit into any 'person' relationship...

i just wish that i'll have one too...

but that's only if God allows...

maybe He knows better...

maybe i'm too often letting go that i don't deserve any....

but to let go is the hardest part...

and only God knows how hard that is...

but still, how can i restrain someone to me when clearly some else can make them happier...

i just...don't think i can make them happy...

i don't have confident in that kind of thing...really...

just God...i feel really thankful i have You...at least, You will always listen to my prayers...sathuk

i'll let this go

maybe you realized that you need to make it up to her....

or maybe you need someone to be there...

whatever you do, or do it out of...i shall let this go...

i shall care less...yeah i should...why i do i even bother?

i shall let this go...

i shall let this go...

i shall let this go...

and yeah i'm trying to wish you well...

but you seem to hunt me down everyday...

you put me as someone you wanna compete with which i'm so tired of that...

you used to be in my prayers...but now you seem to appear more in my curse...

and i feel so bad that i could kill myself...

but yeah...

i shall let this go...

i shall let this go...

i shall let this go....

this is not my place to be having rights to hate, to like, or to choose...

this place is dirty with money and prides,

where people don;t say sorry anymore...

where people feel ashamed to say thank you n sorry...

i disgusted myself for being here but still i have to...

i have to...

i have to...

because the main goal is to be able to grads...

that's it...

that's it...

that's it...

stop putting me through miseries....

stop trying to hurt me...

stop putting me through miseries...

stop seeking things that i can't give you....

DO YOU THINK I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MISERIES IN MY LIFE?

i have enough....enough that my life is always on the line that you don't even know about it...

you're so used to have everything in life that u can't make yourselves lose one....

and try to hurt me....

i barely have things in life...

stop hurting me and look around you...

you have enough too...

stop seeking, stop being greedy, stop trying to get love or attention...you have it all...

so perfect, so complete that you don't even know...

don't try to make my life worse...because it's already is...

and you don't know about it...

i'm tired of fighting you back...

because the last thing i want is you getting hurt....

stop putting me through miseries....

stop....

biarla nie jadi doa

"You are a person who will contemplate and reflect upon your past experiences. That’s why you know how to take advices and apply them to your work, which allows you to achieve your goal quickly. You want to create a bright future. You will meet a new friend who is reliable and supportive, and take you to new opportunities. In the learning aspect, you make bold assumptions and hypotheses that you will prove them right without any doubt. You are able to manipulate new knowledge to improve learning efficiency. As a result, you will have successful outcomes as well as good test score. Your wish may come true. You will have a smooth future path."

i'm tht kind....

i'm that kind of person who trust action more than words,

i see value of a person more than their appearance,

i tend to listen to 'real' laughter more than the fake ones...

i see tears not just from the victims, but there are tears of guilt...

i believe an old book is always better than the new ones...because of them, we get the ideas for new ones

i don't see 24 hours together make true love...

i don't see sincerity and attitude comes from money, appearance or high power...

i'm just....me...

i see world that way...

it's hard to put up with me cause i hate shallow thinking...

not that i'm better...but society sometimes need to wake up...

i don't respect those who judge things from appearance, money and status....

i'm just me...

i'm just me...

i'm just me...

i don't have many people in my life....

i don't make friends easily...

i don't fall easily...

i don't trust easily...

i'm just me....

i have principles...and i love to stick to it....

there are rooms for love, fun, happiness as long as they're true...

don't mess around with me...

because you're messing with the whole system...

i believe...i'm just me....

those day...those songs

"Fix You"

by Coldplay

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face

And I...

Tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face

And I...

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

UTS comingggg

semester goes by so fast that now all of us will go through UTS...ujian tengah semester...

only God knows how nervous, worried and scared i am...

one whole system of EMS (endocrine) will be tested in the exam...

plus CRP, PHOP, and BHP...epidemiology, public health and bioethics...

God, ease me through this exam God...and let me and my friends pass all these papers...

God..help us~

it's so hard to find "my person"

 will i have chance to have at least one person to be my person?

they always come and go...

they always search for a better one when i'm actually right there in front of them...

maybe being too nice and pleasing always push people away because human are like that...they search for the one that is not searching for them...

and when i bailed...why are you searching me back?

when i'm there why you treated me like trash?

why people are so cruel?

just so tired of being there...

stop texting me like i mean the world to you when you're actually just so bored over there...

my study type...

kena atas batang hidung...hahaha sape suruh jawab benda2 psychology nih;pp

my study type:

You Are Intellectual :)

You don't really like to study; you like to learn. You prepare for tests sort of naturally. You aren't one to memorize lots of facts. You just tend to remember what is interesting - and you find a lot interesting. 

You tend to feel unprepared for most tests you take, but you end up doing a lot better than you expect. You're not the type to learn something for a few weeks only to forget it later. 

When you learn, you learn for life.

Like A Star

so...you know you love someone when you can't stand to see them hurting...

i love you people....

my altatayan group...

hope God bless us all...

"Like A Star"

Just like a star across my sky,

Just like an angel off the page,

You have appeared to my life,

Feel like I'll never be the same,

Just like a song in my heart,

Just like oil on my hands,

Honour to love you

Still I wonder why it is,

I don't argue like this,

With anyone but you,

We do it all the time,

Blowing out my mind,

You've got this look I can't describe,

You make me feel like I'm alive,

When everything else is au fait,

Without a doubt you're on my side,

Heaven has been away too long,

Can't find the words to write this song,

Oh...

Your love,

Still I wonder why it is,

I don't argue like this,

With anyone but you,

We do it all the time,

Blowing out my mind,

Now I have come to understand,

The way it is,

It's not a secret anymore,

'cause we've been through that before,

From tonight I know that you're the only one,

I've been confused and in the dark,

Now I understand,

I wonder why it is,

I don't argue like this,

With anyone but you,

I wonder why it is,

I wont let my guard down,

For anyone but you

We do it all the time,

Blowing out my mind,

Just like a star across my sky,

Just like an angel off the page,

You have appeared to my life,

Feel like I'll never be the same,

Just like a song in my heart,

Just like oil on my hands

so many words

few things going on in my head lately...

and these things are trying so hard to take me off my goals...

GOALS?

yeahhhh bla bla bla...but seriously, we live our life thinking we need to be happy so we don't even wanna spend a day struggling...but struggling is essential...because at the end of the day, that's what you counted on...

i hate to say that for me...the step of 'stick to it' is hard to carry on...

i am totally capable of distraction....

entertainment...

friends...

people...

life management...

that make it so hard for me to focus...

of course it's none of their fault...

it's me...

why am i so easily distracted?

why i let myself be distracted?

it's nearly exam now and look at what i already know now...yeah not so much!

goshhh bring yourselves together sumy!

just stick to it...please! >.<

when i'm thinking about it...

 "Surgeon can't be lazy, the risks are too great, the seconds we stop pushing ourselves, something terrible happens, something we never see it's coming" _Grey's_

well, all the words above doesn't say anything wrong....every each of the word is true...not just for a surgeon but for everyone...we can't stop pushing ourselves....and here i am...being lazy all day and focus on something emergency but not something important...that's one thing about me joining organization...i tend to care more about that because i'm not good at it...well, that doesn't mean i'm good at academic stuff but i feel safe there...just feel more secure reading Moore's than doing poster or doing fundraising haha okayyy i'm gonna go hit myself with some readings now...just for the love of God, please give me peace and ease for my study...i'm so sick of worrying that it makes me lazy and unproductive! urghhhhh >.<

life.update.thinking

hey there bloggers!

quite sometime i'm not updating my blog yea?

hmmmm

so today i feel like typing my heart out! ;pp

been a busy, tiring and confusing week for me, owh scary too! why? we'll get to that...

study wise, hmmm so far so good...i just still feel like a directionless sail...

still figure out what and which to do, to figure out and to plan next...haihhhh

normal...

book, papers, presentation, friends, money and fooddddd

yeah, i have to put food as one of the things i'm thinking and trying about...why?

haha normal issue for me; weight gain >.<

skip that~~~~~

i was bathing just now, and as people say, you often thinking of something new, or getting ideas from there

so do i today...

all of sudden, i'm asking myself, what is my purpose in life?

what do i want?

who i wanna become?

 and am i closer to that?

as i live, now for 23 years...i don't feel like i'm growing...or developing...

i need to develop...like errr more knowledge, more perspective in life, more goals and missions...

i'm just recently....so much going with the flow that i forget what i want, or what i should be doing...

they say people can get lost sometime....

now i feel that way...

feel tired, unorganized, scared, and sensitive....

maybe this is hormone talking (one of the reasons i hate being born as a woman),

but still, i'm thinking about it....

i barely pray....

i barely have real talk with my mum now,

i don't text my friends,

and i'm not focus with tasks in hands...

what am i doing?

why am i so lost?

why am i so distracted from reality?

what happen inside my head?

then i think...think...and think again....

maybe i'm too attached to the world...

when i say world, i means people around...

maybe i'm trying too hard to keep up with the pace and forget what i actually needed to do...

i think so...

maybe i should start with prayers,

calling home, get in touch with friends and try to focus and not running away from my responsibility...

it's okay to get scared right? it's healthy...

well thanks to those who let me walk alone...thanks to those who made me do group jobs on my own...

the stress, whatever that won't kill me make me stronger...

maybe it's time for me to admit i need helps...

maybe it's time for me to contact the world...

yeah...it's time for me to try and get out of my comfort zone...

who say i'll get nothing in return? 

i get to fight, i get to learn, i get to grow and be more positive about life...

people all around me are just like me...there're human who did mistakes and lead a normal life like i do...

so why am i so scared of being weak? everyone is weak....

maybe the first step to become stronger is to admit that i'm weak and working on it...

yeah maybe so...

Give me strength...give me lights...give me spirits to carry on my passions....

sathuk~

tomorrow officially year 2^^

people of my age might been thinking bout their year 2 of med school as a blurry memories because it's ended longggggggg ago...but for me, tomorrow it is!

haihhhhh 

'the sadness of getting in such a late train' i can't deny it's surfacing my throat every day....

but yeah, i chose it, and i'm sticking with it...bitter or sweet, i shall finish my journey...

well! i'm forever 18!!^^ (=____+)

haiihhhhhh

ok, let's just pin that on the wall and not gonna keep looking at it?

to throw it into the bin is to deny the truth, so just pin it there la ok?

so, tomorrow is my Sem 3, Year 2 of my epic med school....

haiyoooo damn nervous! >.<''

this new sem, i'll go through Endocrinology and Nervous System....

hmmmmm both kinda fun! and i love them!^^ 

let's not jinx what so ever it is...

i'll just say; i'll do my best!^^

assignment already knocking my door actually....gotta run!

pray for me!

sathuk...God, bless me~

worrying time comes again....

they said happy time will always end faster than the sorrow's...

so, is it true?

my happiness just expired...can i say that?

..nope..

let's just think...it's getting lessen by the minute i'm trying to wait for it...yeah let's put it up that way
so, am i going to keep waiting for it?
yeah~

who doesn't....i just won't keep my hope so high...but still, let's just pray hard....

sathuk~