when we met....

when we meet those who are far more greater than us...we often go through stages of knowing and acceptance...yeap, i put it this way...just like stages of acceptance...

when we see that one person who is so much greater than us, we feel small...we want to be everything like them, we want to be everything but our own selves....

when we see how good they are that we often go through that kind of grieve...grieve and dwelling with our flaws...

we blame ourselves on how much not enough we are....we want to be like them, we want to strive like them, we want to be as fearless, as determine, as awesome as them...

when we encounter them, we wanna prove ourselves that we are good enough too, we dwell with wanna be nice to them and wanna kill them in the same time...

that can make anyone miserable, really...how can we envy and be kind to that one person at the same time? we are driving our brain crazy trying to stay sane with these facts...

really...just try and imagine...you cant love and hate one person at the same time...you either love them or hate them...there is no in between..you are torturing yourselves...

so i have come to calm this kinda situation down...so do i hate or do i love?

i have to choose, right? being in between is tiring...and miserable...really...

so how to stay with someone who is so much greater than us and still be fine with it? be fine with feeling small, be fine with feeling unworthy, be fine to say "yes, you're right?"....just how?

that is the questions i have been asking myself lately...

and how to even be fine with them being all bright and happy with what they are?

fuhhhh that's a lot...really...how to live with that? hahahha

i just have no idea...really...

denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance


but then, we have to come to the fifth stage sometime...we have to be there to be okay...

so its either, you really accept it....or you just accept it and dont wanna be a the same place forever...

so i have come to decision...to work hard...to be as good...to be as awesome...

so that i will know what they are talking about...

once, my teacher in high school used to ask me "Would you rather be with those who are less good than and learn nothing, or would you rather be with those who are so much greater than you and learn something?"

first choice is what we call comfortable zone, the second one, is when you grow up...

so this is me, facing another growing up in my life....

i have to fight this...i can, i know im great too...i know.

and i will get there too.

so stop feeling small sumy, you can do this....you can be bigger and strive too....

just that, will you be willing to accept that you're weak first? yes, you have to accept that then only you can work harder...because how could you work more when you think you already good enough?

nope...you cant...you have to accept that you have problem first to solve them...so its the same...
you have to accept that you're weak to be stronger...and that is the ugly truth that no one actually wanna face...to be miserable...

so, yes, im weak. and i have to get better....i have to be stronger...i have to be bigger than myself now...God...ease me through...ease me through...

have you ever been out of brain to think or act for your life?

i am at that stage that im out of brain on how to live my life...
money doesnt seem to be enough no matter how much i try to cut my usage...
things keep coming for me to just pay pay and pay...
no income whatsoever...
and im struggling to stay sane throughout this,,,and im certainly not a saint to stay fine 24/7...

im tired of being me from time to time...and this might be the most disgusting phase...

i just cant wait to pass all of these and have a better life...yeah talk like my life is so much in hell right now...someone is being ungrateful for her life...bear with me...

How to do this

one thing i dont like having is to have professional situation with my dear ones...because i tend to be serious and turn into a complete different person...and tht will make them hate me...for years of my existence...i have never been able to solve this problem just yet...
im 'bipolar' when it comes to jobs...and i just cant be funny or kidding in it...and when i try to...my results gone to hell all because i wanna be polite...
#sad #how #Godhelpme

i'm gonna write something a bit weird today

it's weird because it catches my respect....

i often heard, read or been through those people with hard times and lives and can make it to the top, so they know how to stay humble and respect other people...

but one more category that catching my attention are those who have everything since birth, been through every nearly perfect lives, have nearly perfect body, skin, family, friends and conducive environment and country, but....still make it to be such humble, kind, compassionate, and respectful person towards others...

this kind are rarely found...because we often heard about 'spoiled brat' , 'cool rich kids' and so on...

so when i encounter this kind of people...i often wonder how great the parents are...how great that they can actually teach the kids to be as humble and compassionate towards others...

i really wonder how.........

burnt out

at certain point of life...you will find yourselves associating with those who are so hard to deal with...
those who walk into the room and straightaway burn out all of your mental energy...
those who talks negative about themselves and spread all those energy to the whole room...
its none of your business to turn them into positive minded...but simply dont make yourselves take it in any of those negative thoughts...

simply live each day just to survive those people is really really burnt me out...

but sometimes, you just cant choose whom or what you wanna deal with...

i put myself here, God put me here or whatever reason it is...i have to survive this...

i have to accept that only me can make myself happier or less happy...only me...not them.

super confused

super confused by my own needs to please my tiredness and to please my hard work....

tht moment

tht moment when you already get used to failure compare to success...yeah tht moment...

it's okay..do it for yourself...

it's okay...your own self is already enough reason fro you to fight, to try and to strive more...
for yourself...is already enough....

that moment...

that moment when the selfish ones are tired...
and you just...you have no idea what i have been through just to have you in my life....

is there any way out of this?

is there any way out of this?

me being selfish and me wanting to be nice in this world...
is there any way out of this that can make everyone happy including myself?

phrak eii chuai che duai....

i'm sad because

i'm sad because i'm surrounded by people who running around searching for happiness but never once stay with their own selves....
i'm sad because everyone counts little things people do but never count giant things they've done....
i'm sad because all of my life i have known compassion but here it doesn't apply until you're useful...
i'm sad because people would rather be rude and seem strong than be kind and seem weak...
i'm sad because everyone here thinks they are special and deserve attention but no one actually give any back...
i'm sad because everything here is a race...not of success but of fame, attention, loves and status...
i'm sad because when i sit there and sad, or just said i'm sad...people will not even ask why...
i'm sad because i'm here thinking about this, on how to survive in such world but they are there living carelessly not thinking about anyone but themselves...
i'm that i'm this tired not because of studying but of people...
i'm sad that my life is hard this way...

is there any hope at all for people here?

is there any hope at all that they will ever change or at least any hope at all that i get less painful?

God...i'm sick...so sick...and i don't know what's the cure for it...

how

how to stay success when you're everything but happy?
how to stay focus and success anyway even when you're full with worries and sadness around your neck?
how to stay on the track? when there are millions of reason for you to not to?

how to empty this stupid endless thinking mind?

how to stop thinking about everything?

don't bother...

i don't even bother praying for the best anymore...
its like nothing is getting better...
i don't bother doing trying or even striving for better anymore....

yeah people said, everyone fails...everyone gets knocked down...

you haven't try my life yet...

i'm out of my time, out of my place and out of my reach here...

there is signs all over the place telling me to just freaking go home...

no matter how much i try...i seemed to be left out and can't catch up here...

i'm just too damn scared to try...because i scared of how much it won't be getting better later...
so i don't bother trying anymore...like seriously what for...it won't be good enough anyway...

people look at me and getting flattered when i don't know something...they want me to look dumb so bad...so yeah...so be it...i'm seriously dumb...going nowhere...can't you see i'm not your competition anymore, i'm not someone to look up at anymore...

study, finishing year, skripsi, bandung, arnes, lucnh, life, people, drama, weight, skin, body, dieting,
all of these...i feel too much...i feel it's too much for me to hold it in my hands...

nothing get easier i know...i know i should be positive...i know i should always try harder...do better....
but just...really...i'm tired.

Not in good shape

My life right now is not in good shape...
Anything anything anything at all can go wrong...anything can happen and nothing seems to make sense...

Its no joke how hard it can get sometimes...no joke...
And im surrounded by those who are not wasy to deal with either...well we are humans...who can be simple and easy to deal with?
But instead of looking at this as a bless...i look at it a curse..a freaking curse...

I resent those who doesnt make my life easier...i have a life a living a survive to fight for and for few people they can make it harder to breathe for me...

Im depressed and i dont know where to start or what to do anymore...

My brain has slowly giving up and panicking...

I dont know who i can talk to...to set my brain at ease...

No one here capable of listening to this...no one here can understand this...and its none of their fault...none.

Im so sick...and feel dreadful...im gonna resent every single person here...
Because my life is hard...and they never try to make it easier...

I cant seem to be complaining because this is so goddamn simple thing for them...

I sometime cant even affort my own lunch...and thry expect me to give them so much...

God...i will never know how i deserve this...i wont...im stupid...but God...can you make it easier for me?

How am i suppose to live in the same environment for another 2 years? Im sick of myself tht stuck in this situation again and again...
Everyday i ended up stressing about how bad my life is instead of make it better...

Im so stupid God...and all i have been doing is waiting for someone to safe me from this...for people to get better...and why i cant seem to adapt to them? Adapt to their nature behaviour? Why its so hard for me??

God...i wish i can get out from this...and stay in present...

Everything seems so hard...so freaking difficult to deal with each day...

I know i should be glad...but seriously...how to have tht heart? How to get back? How to be positive in all these mess i get myself into?

Gosh i freaking hate my life right now...hate it

i will always care...so much

Of course

Of course on earth, it's easier to be selfish...
it's easier to be bad...
to be not considerate...
to not wait...
to just think about yourself...
but that's not the best way isn't it?

so Buddha said....

"You give, no matter how selfish people get, you give anyway" -Buddha-

so i have come to understand what this words meant...when i encountered one. For selfish people there is really no other way to deal with them rather than just to give. Because as much as i wish for them to change and pray things will turn out differently, it won't.

so, i need to give...because there might seem like i'm at lost here, but maybe some other way, God will grant me with peacefulness of feeling fulfillment...because if i go down to their level and being selfish too, i won't be able to live with myself...it's disgusting...so maybe if i'm being me, maybe not all the time its satisfying...i will be fine with the peacefulness at least.

i keep asking, what world want so much from me? and the answer as for now is...EVERYTHING that i can give...world doesn't care how much i lose, they only care how much they get...and the problem with me when i taking something from people is, i see what they lose, so i don't take...but selfish people, they will always see what they get...and being so ignore with what people lose, they don't care...as long as they get what they want...they don't care what you lose...they don't care if what they ask are too much for other person to bear...they won't care even if they're being told to.

and that just make life getting more and more suck if we choose to care how much selfish people care...

i can live without you before...

i can live without you before...
i can live without you now...
and in future...
i will be fine.

since when?

since when my life gets so boring when it's without you?

i rechecked my lists

i rechecked my "8 type of Toxic Friends"

You basically completed 8/8 of them...yeah, science is not kidding...and i shall know better~

there is

there is reason why God put people in or out of our life....
Trust him...He out of all people will never have bad intention towards you..you know...
so stop trying so hard for those who's not in your life, and start try hard for those who's in it...
you can do this.

that moment when you want the fantacy to live...forever

how long would this be?
how long will i be this happy?
i just hope it's long enough...
because a person like me...not really lucky...

just really hope...there are some hopes...

God...guide me.

so that's the end of S episode...

yeah it ended...dramatically...
and im not saying im hurting or what...im just sad...
and might take a while...but one day i'm gonna be able to laugh at this...
yes! i'm strong!

so that's the end of S episode...

yeah it ended...dramatically...
and im not saying im hurting or what...im just sad...
and might take a while...but one day i'm gonna be able to laugh at this...
yes! i'm strong!

is there any hope at all?

is there any hope at all that i will be able to grads here?

it's not working...

it's not gonna work...seriously? where do you see yourself in this?

so what now?

so what now?
it's such a good week for my fluffy heart...someone is actually wanted to get to know me and be my friend...he wants to go out with me...but for now i'm gonna think that is real and honest ya?

i really don't know why am i even spend so much time on him and replying all his texts...he is not even someone i look myself ended up with...

i'm not playing game, and i'm still not sure if he isn't...

we have like 7 years gap! maybe that's what make me so thrill to see where this is going...it's always been my thing to go out with an older guy...oh God, my mum would kill me alive!

God, i can feel it down my spine that i'm playing with fire...

But why am i so tempted by it?

i really wanna see where this goes...God, guide me...is it wrong to try? or am i playing with something too dangerous? can i trust my own fate? can i trust me?

God, guide me....