How wrong is a dream??

Once dream can be real if it is a right one...

Most dreams scattered because it is a wrong one...

This is not pessimism....

But one wise man said " don't set your dream too high tht you can't make to archive it..."

It is true n I learn it hard way...some may say I deserve it, to dream tht high..well they're wrong...

And some say I'm not worth it...well they're right...

God shows me how real this world I live in...

and teaches me tht I need to be real...thank God...I need a wake up call....i always am....

another Tarot...

''You are now indulging in the past and unwilling to look to the future. That leads to the changes that should have carried out to a standstill, and thereby causes the formation of a deadlock. You are reluctant to move forward into the future. This will not only prevent you from growing, but also blocking you from new opportunities. Be considerate and let your wisdom plays its due role. You need to improve your learning method in order to achieve good results.''

slimming?

my mum asked; why not u try slimming drink?? let's try...

i've been thinking...i wanted to..but then, it costs a lot...

i think it's better to save money for books soon...

haihhh let's get to bachelor first la...then only will think bout beauty...

actually now, i'm on my 'diet-tak-diet' thing 

ngeeee;pp

i can't get the weight down...at least it won't go up...

let's stay like this for now...

my health is still fine due to my age, metabolic rate is still running (for now)...

i'll try on work out more n eat less la;ppp

chayok! ;)))

i've learned...

....PATIENCE....

such a simple word, but yet with lots of 'e', this before that and sound a bit like science...

ok enough with my freak on 'over' =_='''

what i'm trying to say is, PATIENCE is not as simple as it sounds....

i've learned it hard way...

i've waited for something since jan, result is on july...after result out, enrollment in sept...

(this is all bout 2012)

-you know what i mean-

but then around june, something came in, had my attention...so i extend the wait til nov...

and at last, it's all cancelled, 

so now i need to wait for june, july, and sept again...

so can i say, 1 year and a 1/2?

that i'll spend my life on WAITING?

ergo....i learned PATIENCE...

and still learning, adapting, trying, PRAYING...

Goshhh...

not just anyone will understand this...

not just anyone can bear this much...

if i'm the other person who look into this, i'll say 'You Rock!'

God, give me strength to go for another 7 months...

give me strength cause i've found my faith...

i've found my brave...even it's not a jar much....but i'm having it...

i'll create it more and more...replicate...like a cell from one to another...

God, guide me...for that i'll not lose again...

where do you set your happiness??

where do you set your happiness?

best score?

big house?

new car? new bike?

get bonus?

lots of friend?

perfect?

all of these can bring happiness to you of course...

but is it long?

WHAT ABOUT THESE??;

Happy to further relationship from just friends to best friends...

Happy to say 'I Love You Mum, Dad'...

Happy to be able to apply the knowledge you learned compare to getting best score....

Happy to earn things from your hard work rather than some else giving...

Happy to be able to finish works based on your planned schedule....

Happy to be able to answer all the tough questions...

Happy to share even in hardship...

Happy to say 'it's ok' when you're actually in the peak of your angry...

Happy to say 'Sorry' even it's not your fault, to make sure the relationship last long....

Make your daily life happy, with simple stuff that make big different...

Success shall come in your way one day...

Because God knows, you're trying....

Get HAPPY~

''Once must not set Happiness at the destination, fill it in your journey instead....''

''Anyone can get anything he wants, 
if he's happy with what he's doing''

so true....

i click on Daily Tarot on FB...

and i don't know...it's just really me...

''You will fail from your careless and inability to focus. You are becoming low in self-esteem and jealous of others’ achievements because of there is no opportunity for you to play out. You only follow your own ways and don’t care what other people think. You are having trouble in making progress as you are having hard time to stick with your learning methods. Thus, you will not do well on exams.''

it's just....me...now~

a little motivation.....

thanks to Mustaza Syirin's tumblr reblog....

let go of the past....let go of old you...do it again...start a new...

even this is the tenth, hundredth, thousandth times of your 'new start'....

just start again....

do it again...

renew the plan....

DO IT AGAIN!

is it meant...giving up?

i have all reasons to give up and walk away...

since my first trial, is not what it's looked like....

and turned out the other way round....

and now i'm telling myself to have faith and try it again...

it went well for couple of weeks....

but now i realize...

i don't try anymore...

i get lazy...

i waste most of my time finding reason not to put myself to study...

i give up is it?

in my head, all i think is ; 

It won't happen, it will fail anyway, it's out of my league, bla..bla..bla...

all these thoughts made me who i am today...

all these fears fight and kill my faith til i can't see any of it left....

God....why it is so hard for me to trust myself and be able to make myself trusting myself?

i'm indeed going through lots of fails...but is that mean there will be no success for me in the future?

why am i keep telling myself that i'm gonna fail again?

why it is so hard for me to have gut to face it and change my attitude to become a better student?

get study and get great scores later in exam?

i hate giving up feeling! >.<

because sometime, i don't even realize it is there, dragging me down....

i feel supper stupid, self-destruct, useless and hopeless now ;((((

all i wish to have is WILL, BRAVE, FAITH and PASSION...

all these words, do hard to come by....

God....give me strength....

scared and fear does kill..i learned it in hard way~

because of scared, i've been too miserable to myself...

i scared to choose, i scared to step ahead, i scared just to imagine who i can become...

i have dreams...but then they all lie in deep deep ocean, too scared to get surfaces....

but now....

i'm gonna dive and bring it up...

make it reaches the surface and even bring it to the shore...

God, please give me strength...

i understand why i keep can't get to where i want...

it's all because i'm scared...

too scared to say, too scared to act, too scared to participate...

it's just too miserable that i wish i can be born again to change it...

however, human can always try again...

and thank God for pausing me...

thank for giving me time to think, practice, creating myself for a better me...

so that i will be more worthwhile on what so ever thing that i'm gonna do later on...

''it's not excellent course of study that make the student excellent,

 it's the student's excellence to make whatever he's studying excellent''

''it's not excellent job that make yourself seemed excellent, 

but your own excellence will make the job seemed excellent''

do i have the quality to be a Doctor?

i wish since small (in silent) to become a doctor...

but each day past...i've been thinking, do i have the quality to be one?

they say ''You just have to be brave enough to see what your fate is, it is inside yourself''

and...i keep thinking...do i have gut to be a doctor?

i applied Animal Health because i think i might be suitable with something less hard than Human Doctor...

but  now, i feel regret on my Diploma...and working on my FIS test to further study in Medical Degree...

God...am i doing the right thing?

or should i just accept that i'm more suitable for Veterinary and just go for it?

i hate to get to know my heart....it is so tricky...

;(

Mr. Right Guy

Every woman wishes to finally meet her Mr. Right Guy...

the price charming that has been dreaming about since little...

Don't worry dreamers!!;) 

You will find one soon...

he's there somewhere fighting his journey to meet you too...

and trust me, i've been waiting too;p even i try my best to avoid thinking about it...

who the hell don't want happiness??

but sure, every happiness has it's own cost...

if you willing to find it, fighting for it then you will get there...

risk is a condition for happiness....it is...

and the problem is;

we don't really like taking risk and too scare to get hurt...

but still, i wish i'll meet him one day...

can't wait to share laughter, happiness, sadness, love, warm and care...

(i still think...why the hell i've been writing this...;pp hehehe loving mood strike...too badddd)

Good luck to for your journey to meet Mr. Right Guy!! ;))))

trying to finish....

mannn where's time???

just when??

one thing i've never experienced in life is being THIN =_='''

goshhh just when?!! >.<

i've tried everything...exercises, strict diet, healthy drink...bla..bla...bla...

it's just never get where i wish to...

damn it, i'm gonna try harder!! >.<

goshhhh

a lilbit heart attack for the phone call

thanks to the phone call...bring me back to reality....

the reality on what actually i'm waiting for and what i'm fighting for...

need more strict preparation....

SATHUK~

all i need is FAITH & STRENGTH...

God, save me....

plus, today is 10th of January...

have to go buy BSN pin for upu...

let's hope there is some lucks for me...

SATHUK~

they say in friendship; 'The Lesser The Warmer?''

all i can say is...the lesser way in the understanding way, will of course feel warmer~

thank God....u bless me with such warmth~

Way To Pursuit Happiness

what a meaningful movie!!

staring Will Smith and his son...

about Christ Gardner and his way to be a successful stoke broker...

He does believe he can do something and be someone one day...

he walks by a giant company everyday just to see how happy a successful person can be...

they step in and out of the office everyday after parking their gorgeous car...

Christ Gardner did ask one of them;

 ''I wanna ask you just one question sir, how do you get to do this?'' by pointing at the car...

''Just need to be good with numbers man'' 

later on, various of life crisis hit him, 

wife left, child's school fees, house fees, lose house, being such a 'nomad'

but he puts his faith in one thing that never sure will ever happen...

he gets himself into the company by applying as an intern...

intern don't make money...and it takes 6 months of valuation...

he puts himself through it and tries his best to learn from a book to pass the valuation...

people never respect him due to his status, his dress

but his attitude is very good to people, humble, always try his best and most important thing,

he is a very good father...

he never let his son starves...

he advises his son once; 

'Don't u ever give up on your dream, u hear me? Not even when i say no'

later, he goes through 6 months of phone calls, run for place to sleep, sell his sale thing,

and a whole lots stuff of hardship plus life as intern...

the test day, he has to answer all the questions in a very short time because he needs to pick up his son and run all the way to find a place to sleep...there is a motel, open daily for sleepover (i don't know what it's called;pp) but it is just for one night....in the morning you have to leave the place...
you need to come and queue up again at 5pm for another night...

the result day...
he got call into the director office...

they ACCEPTED him...

he accepts the answer with smile and tears...

he runs to his son...

and later on, he gets what he has been dreaming for whole life...

~HAPPINESS~

all success do come after hard work, faith and trying....

Sickness

i got bad news this morning, one of my auntie just died of chronic diabetes....

she got her legs cut off before and many more complications...

R.I.P auntie...

next, one of my dog undergoes pregnancy complication...

her front right limb got pus and swollen...

her hind right limb also got the same thing plus a cut...

i went to Pejabat Veterinar Tumpat to get cream for the cut and a dose of medicine for her weakness...

pity Hangduan, that's her name...she's daughter of my previous Dam...

i get the pus out by pressing them to flow out...and put cream for the cut...

now, she's resting but still very weak...

God, sickness is so terribly sad for me...

it's pain, it's cold, it's terrifying...

God, i try my best to understand that none of living things can run away from sickness...

none of us can live freely out of it...

BIRTH.GROW.OLD.SICK.DEATH 

is the common flow of living thing on earth...

i really really wish to see she's get better...

God, forgive her..forgive me~

Keep It Up!

''Life molds itself into the shape of your actions, do something long enough and you become it.''

shall try my best on STUDY. HEALTH-EAT. SLEEP management!!!

God, give me strength...so that i can control my mind...

so that i can control what i should be doing, and focus on present at most....

i hate myself for losing track of time easily;(((

waaaaaaa!! ottoke???!!!! >.< 

worst phase of life (2012 flash back)

this is the worst phase of my life =_='''

-2012-

got dream...

got faith...

got opportunity...

decision making....

wait...wait...wait.. 

~8months

then, all of sudden everything's gone...GONE

fall...break...hurts...lonely...feel stupid...lessons...adaptation

wake, get up again...

stand...

-2013-

get to dream again....must be able to dream again...don't scared don't give up!

have faith again...

try again...

work on it...

wait...wait...wait...

~7months more to go...

then, only i shall know what will happen...

where would i go...

what will i do for living...

and how stupid my life will get later...

let's just hope...

it won't be too suck to get a living...

hope i can still be reliable to my mum...

just that~

God, forgive me....

that feeling....

have u ever feel that feeling of cold, dark and empty??

that comes from losing something??

when u actually feel it, u might have lost something without your conscious.... 

or you actually already aware of it, but u can't do a thing about it...

well, let's hope it goes fast...

i really hate 'feeling' stuff...

answer to ''WHY I'M SO TIRED?''

i feel so down and so tired to fight through all these goals and outlines that i have been drawing for myself... 

i come to the 'stuck' moment where i can't fight any more...

i feel so tired just to read, to re-study all of the stuff....

but then i found a book on my shelf; 

''100 Ways to Motivate Yourself'' 

by Steve Chandler,

on the 9th topic; 

Build a Track Record

it's written; 

''It's not what we do that makes us tired, it's what we don't do. 

The tasks we don't complete cause the most fatigue''

i was so surprised on how it is actually reflecting on my own situation...

i'm stressed out by all these topics that i come to worries, and at last i end up doing nothing...

because my pessimist mind of mine 'doing all perfectly or doing nothing at all' always taking in charge...

but from now on...i won't let that happen ever again...

everything can be done bit by bit...because at least i'm doing it...

to wait until i'm fully ready, is just wasting of time, and it is never going to be happened...

never wait for yourself to be ready..just START DOING IT!

and you will see the result...

''Optimist can be achieved by winning the pessimist thought of yours''

by Steve Chandler

really wish for a pity...just a tiny little pity..God, just please look at me, take care of me too...

do u know how tired once get to lose faith? i tell u, to hv faith again is even more tiring...

God, my dream got scattered and i can't even see where the pieces gone...

i had faith, i dreamed, i tried, i prayed...

but it turns out, i'm dwelling with karma....

karma that waits for such right time to hit on me...

and it did hit hard...

God, i know You try to teach me to be strong to go through this...

but i'm too tired just to give it another shot...

to have faith again is not a small deal...

it's tough, and it's hard...

it's too hard for me...

how can i hope again?

how can i try again?

when i know, failure is there, waiting for me anyway....

Horoscope FREAK!! >.<

hehe

So, here is Aries 2013 Overview;

Dear Aries,

2013 amps up the themes of finance, sexuality, debt and change as Saturn prepares to overhaul this house of your horoscope until 2015. The good news is that you shall no longer feel all of the stress and strain (or dry spell) around relationships as you have since late 2009. The door is wide open to meet someone new or totally transform an existing relationship. The key words are depth, passion and intensity. Are you ready to get more intimate with your self and others than ever? If you've ever considered some kind of depth process like psychoanalysis, this is the year to plummet your own unfathomable depths, Aries. 

You have probably only scratched the tip of the iceberg when it comes to unleashing your true powers, resourcefulness and regenerative powers. Have you secretly wondered what you are truly made of at your core of cores? Get ready to find out. This is also an excellent time to pay off any debt: both emotionally and financially.

Uranus continues to energize your stars and promote the rebellious side of your nature. You refuse to dance to anyone's beat but your very own. Last year's challenging cardinal climax brought considerable tension to your life -- especially around career, and some of the fall-out from any of that wreckage is still being integrated and renovated into the new and improved version of home and career possibility. The brave and risky moves you took in 2012 can take deeper root this year as you pour your passion and perserverance into making your dreams a powerhouse of a reality. 

By mid-year, you'll have the power of Jupiter working to expand your life from the ground up. You may be looking for a bigger home or just ready to take your life to a new level. No more playing small and safe. Get ready to experience your true potential for fame and fortune, Aries. There is a reason the Sun shines most brightly in your stars.

The eclipse patterns for 2013 will greatly impact the financial houses of your horoscope. You are learning powerful lessons in the money department as you develop greater resourcefulness and business savvy. You will never again question your true value nor will you accept anything less than what you know you are worth. This is a time to up the ante and rake in the level of compensation you deserve. You are also more willing and able to get grounded in the reality of your bank balance and strategically devise better ways to remove debt and improve your sense of security for long-term stability.

NEVER good enough...

i am just...never good enough...

not a good Buddhist...

not a good daughter...

not a good person...

not a slim woman...

far from pretty...

not a good student...

far from bright...

not a good friend...

far from best friend type...

everything just never good enough...

yes, i never try hard enough....is it?

the answer is YES....

i can't appreciate myself as i never really work hard for myself to be appreciated...

and i can't tell how much sorry i felt for myself....

NEW YEAR is here....

so maybe, new year resolution is to cross all the above lists?

God, i need strength....

God, guide me, so that i will be better....

God, support me, so that i won't be too far from You...

God, save me...so that i will be able to have WILL to go on...

it's new year...

but i feel like i have a whole bunches of mountains to climb...

and each one of them...

is nicely decorated with torn and mud....

i might stuck somewhere if i give up....

God, give me strength to go through this....

God, forgive me...