i really scared i will lose grab of this....

"What you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are....." "If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it?  God placed barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives.  God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears.  God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards.  What are you most afraid of?...

rindu nye kat dorang nie...

define RINDU.... lame...yeah.... but definition of missing someone is fail to see or meet someone... i really wish to see and meet these awesome people... those who go through a lot together with me... who bear with my attitude, who i fight to stay along with... 3 years of spending time together back then in Bintulu will never be enough... it's the best time i have... the time i know what is the meaning of life, of dreams, of friendship... God, thank you for such lovely bunch of gift You blessed on me... i miss you guys.... Syirin Kak...

final in coming...

feels like yesterday only that i came here as new student of sem 1 in UNPAD... and now i'm facing final for sem 1... fuh! only God knows how...i'm super nervous! the exams are killing! i have to face 11 exams including SOOCA - oral exam on cases my goodness...i still can't imagine how to face this...God guide me... sathuk...with God willing...i hope i can find a way to stay calm n to be able to study through out this holiday and to be able to face the exam.... sathuk... sathuk... sathuk....

afraid of failing...afraid of success

"I'll get to it later" has led to the downfall of many a good employee. After too many "laters" the work piles up so high that any task seems insurmountable. Procrastination is as tempting as it is deadly. The best way to beat it is to recognize that you do indeed procrastinate. Then you need to figure out why. Perhaps you are afraid of failing? (And some people are actually afraid of success!...

believe...just keep believing....

"Hall Of Fame" (feat. Will.I.Am) Yeah, you can be the greatest You can be the best You can be the King Kong banging on your chest You could beat the world You could beat the war You could talk to God, go banging on his door You can throw your hands up You can beat the clock  You can move a mountain You can break rocks You can be a master Don't wait for luck Dedicate yourself and you gon' find yourself Standing in the hall of fame  And the world's gonna know your name 'Cause you burn with the brightest flame And...

i know....

ok let's see how's my life here... Unpad, Jatinangor, Bandung, Indonesia it has been 2 months i'm here...nothing much, same food, same people, same environment... maybe slightly different la...but i might say...nothing much... now i'm going through Mid Term Examination...it's the very first exam i have here as medical student... first paper just passed...i mean the exam..not the paper..haha result not yet out, but hopefully will pass...sathuk... others; BHP, SOOCA, PHOP, FBS II yup...another 4 to go...and all are kinda killing...

it seems like things have been changing a little...

before, all i was thinking is just to fulfill my mum's wish and of course my own, but then, i found the knowledge is pretty thrill to be learned, everything is like puzzles to be solved, but later after that, i found out that, to learn, to be able to apply and to make someone else happy by helping them is even so much better...my perception about this carrier evolves from time to time...i am so surprise by what i get to know in my daily journey here...i am wondering what will i know tomorrow.... p/s; my first exam is coming...in like...10 days?...

bring me through...

God...please bring me through...

i will remember....

i will remember how hard my life is.... how it is impossible to just buy rice to eat... how it is impossible to just buy ticket and go home.... and how hard it is to always have to think about money, study, and motivate myself not to give up...not even when life tells me every possible to just give up... i don't know why i keep holding on... i seriously don't know.....

still haunted by worries

no matter where i go, no matter how far i walk...one thing that for sure will track me down is WORRIES.... then come FEARS...and then all i need to do to make sure i can deal with it is...be BRAVE....but it is not easy...really...sometime, u just need someone else to help you with the 'brave building'...but not every time u will have someone by ur side, and not everyone can help u that way...God...i'm so thankful that whenever i am lost...i can always pray to You, ask You for guidance....i'm so sorry if anyway i have forgotten You...God, forgive...

so much of guilt to bear....so tired....

...

i never know....

i never know my dream will bring me so much of sorrow rather than happiness... i'm so thinking that it will make me happy...but now i know...it's not.... it brings me so much of guilt, so much of sorries, so much of not-belong feeling... because there is those who's suffering just to make sure i'm here...doing what i've always wanted to do... how can i be happy in such state? how can i focus? how can i bear that much of torturing?? God...why i always am made wrong decision?  why i've always ended up being where i'm not suppose to be? where...

...You're gonna Hear Me ROAR....

"Roar" by KATY PERRY I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath Scared to rock the boat and make a mess So I sat quietly, agreed politely I guess that I forgot I had a choice I let you push me past the breaking point I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything You held me down, but I got up Already brushing off the dust You hear my voice, you hear that sound Like thunder gonna shake the ground You held me down, but I got up Get ready cause I’ve had enough I see it all, I see it now I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter,...

i'm in scared....

God, i'm in scared... i'm finally i get what i want but i'm scared i'm going to screw it up... i'm scared i can't grab on it long enough... i'm scared i'm not as good as anybody else.... i'm scared i can't do it... i'm scared i'll drop out... i'm scared i can't catch up... i'm scared God...i'm so scared... these fears in me make me chill and trapped in darkness.... when people laugh...i can't even laugh along with them... my head keep thinking what should i do so that i won't 'collapse'... God...bring me through these... i can't study...

banyak nyer cabaran...

nak study satu hal... orang2 sekeliling satu hal.... diri sendiri satu hal... God, give me strength... let me figure things out... let me be able to know what should i do... Let these people being blessed with your love... so they will be happy...so i will be happy... let them know what consideration is cause i'm trying my best to shout out what i need as well as what i've given them... God...let me be happy....i love to be here... this is all i've wanted for my whole life... i wanna be happy... happy is the only way to make...

nothing i do can ever repay you....

i have today...because of you...Ama.... no matter how much i say 'thank you'...it won't be enough... no matter what i do can ever repay your love, your support and your endless trust in me.... i'm just a lucky kid to have you... Ama...thank you... LOVE YOU ...

why is that everyone else seemed so...happy?

everyone...everyone around me seems so happy... so perfect, so alive, so content... they have lots of stories to share and i just...just have nothing to share back... they are just...so damn happy... am i being jealous? NO... i'm happy for them... but i just wonder, when is the last time i have had that kind of moment? do i even have one before? i just can't remember when is the last time i'm being happy... people's life are moving on so beautifully that i'm sometime getting confused,  why the hell that i'm the only one who can't...

a very meaningful ads....

i cried for this...haha;...

Lagu Biar Sampai Ke Bintang

i found such a good song...just imagine...your goal... Biar Sampai Ke Bintang ~Asmidar~ Biar mimpi mimpi kita Jejak sampai ke bintang Walau harus menggapai awan Menongkah arus ini Aku tahu bukan mudah Tapi mimpi ini harus aku Tiada gunung yang terlalu tinggi Tiada laut yang terlalu luas Tuk mereka memisahkan kita Dari mimpi-mimpi kita ini Jangan resah ini takdir Tuhan mendengarnya Tuk membawa mimpi-mimpi kita Biar mimpi sampai ke bintang Kerna kita semua tahu Kerana ini impian Setiap satu dari kita Tiada gunung...

VaRiaTioN of LifE....

i live in a life that i can't tell what's going to happen.... i live in a life that i can see lots of impossible things happen.... i live in a life wondering of what's coming next... i live in a life of praying and hoping and shouting out loud to the sky... my life now has extended to a point that i can't imagine what's going to come or what's going to go... i can't grab on things that i think i can grab on it... i can just hope it will stay with me as long as it would please me... ...

another day another dawn....

i have been thinking what to write....lately... my life now is kinda focus on one thing... focus on...can i say, being better from day to day? tired... heart breaking... and too energies sometimes... however my life is going on and on and on... this month, July is kinda most important month of my life time... and next month... all i hope is...my life will reveal itself in a blessing way... God, gives me strength... sathuk......

HUMBLE

lesson of life for Aries, Goat and number 9 people is humility... on how to be humble... i got hit again and again by trouble, just for life to make sure that i learn humbleness in my life.... life has to make sure that i learned it, only then it will stop hitting me?? basic question...how to be humble? for most people...it is easy... for me...it is hard... because i always think that i can do stuff.... i always think that i have luck, intelligence and charm to do what ever i want if i try hard enough... but... life teached me...

End point

End point is what everyone of us running to... try our best to be there, for just to be there only will feed our satisfactions... What's your end point? Mine? It is just too far away...far til i don't feel like that's my end point anymore... however, i'm still running to it... run to go get it.... run run and run... just before i realize that i can see it's shadow now... but just then, the light seems to sail away.... leaving me in the darkness....i can't find my end point even it's so close to me...next to me perhaps? until that...

i'm in sh*t....

yesterday, i watched Will Smith's talk bout life.... and he said; 'most of all, even if no one is believing it, you have to believe in it' 'and decide, please decide...and start from there just do it' 'don't ever make plan B to distract your plan A'.... ''always have strong enthusiasm to FOCUS and make A GREAT FOCUS on what you're doing'' the way he said...blew my mind... i've always made plan B in my life...because i know that i'll always fail in plan A.... i've always easily given up on my plan A and never believe that it's gonna work... i...

just wanna try....

-KELLY CLARKSON- BREAKAWAY Grew up in a small town And when the rain would fall down I'd just stare out my window Dreaming of what could be And if I'd end up happy I would pray Trying hard to reach out But when I'd try to speak out Felt like no one could hear me Wanted to belong here But something felt so wrong here So I pray I could breakaway I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly I'll do what it takes ‘til I touch the sky And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change And breakaway Out of the darkness...

chutttaaa

chutta if can be like them... no need even to try... no need even to stressed out... don't even have to make life calculation to survive each day... chutta... God... i wish to be someone else again... i don't appreciate of what i have again... i'm doing sin again... God... thank you for everything... thank you... thank you.... and sorry... sorry... sorry....

problems....

that moment when u realize u're surrounded by nothing but problems.... u just can't see the bright side of life.... people hate u for u.... u find hard time to even talk to ur own family members.... u feel don't deserve to be where u are... and most of all, u feel regret of having this life.... people are different.... other people sip a lucky drink while u're the one who get to drink the poisoned one.... just that, when u gonna get that lucky sip too right?? just when?? it is so hard, so impossible and such a dream for me to lead 'this'...

feel like so long never up date...

well, it is quite a life i have here... tough, mentally and physically... i need to accept people the way it is, by understanding... which,  to understand something or someone is actually a great deal... but not until you find you... you see you talking, you see you act, you see you in front of yourself... i met someone....exactly like me... every time she talks, acts, it seems like me... but not 'me' now, but 'me' then.... before i see the small matter, matter.... before i see life is actually not always that beautiful flower...

Martin Luther King, Jr.

just keep goinggggg..... ...

stand on the ground....

sometime, all u need is just to be able to stand on the ground and feel that everything that moves underneath you is real and you're able to rest your heart upon it... but, it gets blur for me... can you imagine...to be asking yourself every now and then 'am i doing the right thing?' 'what am i doing?' 'it is right?' it is totally screwed up my head... and all i need is just a sign...tell me, what should i do? what should i decide? what should i think?...

it's just...so blur now

all i hope is...it is going to be better.....

In The Deep

''In The Deep''  by Birdy York Thought you had all the answers to rest your heart upon. But something happens, don't see it coming, now you can't stop yourself. Now you're out there swimming... In the deep. In the deep. Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles till you... Let go. Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven, and you throw yourself off. Now you're out there spinning... In the deep. In the deep. In the deep. In the deep. And now you're out there spinning... And now you're out there spinning... In...

so good...

to be thankful to life the way it is... to be minimalist.... to be humble... to be such a good prayer... to be good... to be such a saint child... to be honest... to be able to love without wanting any love back... to be self less... to sacrifice for good... to be wise... independent... to be able to help... to be able to smile with whole-hearted... to love... so much wonders to treasure...to try...to become.... sathuk.... ...

my last chance....

i don't wanna write about it because every time i did, it chao away....damn... anyway, wish me luc...

why do i want this...again? =_='''

i've been thinking....since when i like it such a hard hard hard life?? and why am i even done this stupid decision? shall i be thankful for that God has stopped me from dumb move? so, now, i'm questioning myself...it is that necessary? it is that worth all of these wasted time, money, hope and my mum supports? goshhh what have i done to myself??!! why am i having such a rush of determination out of reckless, so suddenly? now that i don't know what should i do... shall i just let it go?? i'm grasping it for too long that i feel so tired,...

i hate to say that i'm stressed by....

i am stressed by my failed life...of course, but one more thing...is my weight... ever since, i have never been in good shape like any other people... well, i'm perfectly healthy and far from deformed... however, most people treat fat people like one... yeah, of course yes, why not right?  because we seems to indulge ourselves, not care about health n look.... what can u say right? yes, it is true that society needs to hate fat people,  because it can be a push button for that they won't be happy with how they look  and...

only God knows how....

only God knows how the scared is creeping up my brain.... and only God knows how procrastinate i'm because i'm too scared to start, try and fail...again... God, gives me strength....i wanna have faith again... CHAYOK!!!>.&l...

God, You heals my fear....please heal it with Your bless...sathuk

God, this piece of letter is from my heart to You.... 'Phrak ei chaui che duai' i have fears...a BIG one... it's engulfing me with it's giant world... God, why fears are so scary? why it's power is so great that i can't make it to fight back... to compare to the fears i have...my faith and my bravery is just a little piece of bean... God, i'm scared.... i'm scared, i'm not going to make it... Phrak ei che klua...klua chat.... i'm shivering... my feet numb... my hands are weak... my head is blocking.... i can't think on how to escape...

Hall of Fame

"Hall Of Fame"  by The Script featuring Will.i.am  You could be the greatest You can be the best You can be the king kong banging on your chest You could beat the world You could beat the war You could talk to God, go banging on his door You can throw your hands up You can be the clock You can move a mountain You can break rocks You can be a master Don't wait for luck Dedicate yourself and you can find yourself Standing...

i'm not trying hard enough....

i know i'm not trying hard enough... wasting time on regrets, doubts, and giving up.... wasting time on useless craps plus procrastinating... God saw me...every day....see what i do, what i think, what i've become... such a loser...indeed God, forgive me... i am just so dumb! i can't do this anymore! i can't take it to see myself getting lower and lower... i'm tired of being miserable and can't control myself from procrastination.... God, why it is so hard for my brain to get it? God....i feel bad about myself... i feel really...really...really...

Try try try

"Try"  by P!nk Ever wonder about what he's doing How it all turned to lies Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why Where there is desire There is gonna be a flame Where there is a flame Someone's bound to get burned But just because it burns Doesn't mean you're gonna die You've gotta get up and try try try Gotta get up and try try try You gotta get up and try try try Eh, eh, eh Funny how the heart can be deceiving More than just a couple times Why do we fall in love so easy Even when it's not right Where...

plan? ask first...

well, let's start with these few questions... 1) where do you want to 'go'? 2) is that truly what you always wanted to? 3) can you go there? 4) do you have all resources for that? 5) what do you need to do to complete this task you've decided? plan? what plan? can u plan it? 6) what it takes to make the plan done? then start planning... and start doing.... plus counting down... these few questions...can change you forever... decide.plan.do.continue.there 5 stages of success... look simple... look again... think... think...

saying the same thing...over n over~

i keep myself from moving on because i tied myself to the past.... glorious past, is past... it never is going to make sure glorious future... present...is present, never is going to promise any future either.... what i learned must be, nothing is certain.... anything can happen... i can't keep telling myself i must be like this and that just because i used to be like this and that in the past... i must lift this 'anchor' of mine.... and sail... sail to new places... i must forgive what's that already happened...and move forward... i...