i really scared i will lose grab of this....

"What you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are....."

"If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? 

God placed barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives. 

God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. 

God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards. 

What are you most afraid of? Say it, just start by saying it...."

rindu nye kat dorang nie...

define RINDU....

lame...yeah....

but definition of missing someone is fail to see or meet someone...

i really wish to see and meet these awesome people...

those who go through a lot together with me...

who bear with my attitude, who i fight to stay along with...

3 years of spending time together back then in Bintulu will never be enough...

it's the best time i have...

the time i know what is the meaning of life, of dreams, of friendship...

God, thank you for such lovely bunch of gift You blessed on me...

i miss you guys....

Syirin

Kak Zu

Balqis

Nad

Audrey

Nikki

Fiqa

Zuzu

Leelian

Faisal

Raja

hope you guys stay healthy, strong and full of spirit to go through what so ever things that you guys been going through...all i can do is just pray for your guys happiness...Miss You...

final in coming...

feels like yesterday only that i came here as new student of sem 1 in UNPAD...

and now i'm facing final for sem 1...

fuh! only God knows how...i'm super nervous!

the exams are killing!

i have to face 11 exams including SOOCA - oral exam on cases

my goodness...i still can't imagine how to face this...God guide me...

sathuk...with God willing...i hope i can find a way to stay calm n to be able to study through out this holiday and to be able to face the exam....

sathuk...

sathuk...

sathuk...

afraid of failing...afraid of success

"I'll get to it later" has led to the downfall of many a good employee. After too many "laters" the work piles up so high that any task seems insurmountable. Procrastination is as tempting as it is deadly. The best way to beat it is to recognize that you do indeed procrastinate. Then you need to figure out why. Perhaps you are afraid of failing? (And some people are actually afraid of success!)"

believe...just keep believing....

"Hall Of Fame"

(feat. Will.I.Am)

Yeah, you can be the greatest

You can be the best

You can be the King Kong banging on your chest

You could beat the world

You could beat the war

You could talk to God, go banging on his door

You can throw your hands up

You can beat the clock 

You can move a mountain

You can break rocks

You can be a master

Don't wait for luck

Dedicate yourself and you gon' find yourself

Standing in the hall of fame 

And the world's gonna know your name

'Cause you burn with the brightest flame

And the world's gonna know your name 

And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

You can go the distance

You can run the mile

You can walk straight through hell with a smile

You could be the hero

You could get the gold

Breaking all the records they thought never could be broke

Yeah, do it for your people

Do it for your pride

How you ever gonna know if you never even try?

Do it for your country

Do it for your name

'Cause there's gonna be a day...

When you're standing in the hall of fame 

And the world's gonna know your name 

'Cause you burn with the brightest flame 

And the world's gonna know your name 

And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

Be a champion, be a champion, be a champion, be a champion

On the walls of the hall of fame

Be students

Be teachers

Be politicians

Be preachers

Be believers

Be leaders

Be astronauts

Be champions

Be truth seekers

Be students

Be teachers

Be politicians

Be preachers

Be believers

Be leaders

Be astronauts

Be champions

Standing in the hall of fame 

And the world's gonna know your name 

'Cause you burn with the brightest flame 

And the world's gonna know your name 

And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

(You can be a champion)

You could be the greatest

(You can be a champion)

You can be the best

(You can be a champion)

You can be the King Kong banging on your chest

(You can be a champion)

You could beat the world

(You can be a champion)

You could beat the war

(You can be a champion)

You could talk to God, go banging on his door

(You can be a champion)

You can throw your hands up

(You can be a champion)

You can beat the clock

(You can be a champion)

You can move a mountain

(You can be a champion)

You can break rocks

(You can be a champion)

You can be a master

(You can be a champion)

Don't wait for luck

(You can be a champion)

Dedicate yourself and you gonna find yourself

(You can be a champion)

Standing in the hall of fame

i know....

ok let's see how's my life here...

Unpad, Jatinangor, Bandung, Indonesia

it has been 2 months i'm here...nothing much, same food, same people, same environment...

maybe slightly different la...but i might say...nothing much...

now i'm going through Mid Term Examination...it's the very first exam i have here as medical student...

first paper just passed...i mean the exam..not the paper..haha result not yet out, but hopefully will pass...sathuk...

others;

BHP,

SOOCA,

PHOP,

FBS II

yup...another 4 to go...and all are kinda killing to me especially SOOCA and FBS II...

today was FBS I....and i can feel that i screwed it up real bad...but God...i do what i can do...and i will try harder next time...God, i'm so sorry...i wasted my chance...i'm really3 sorry :(((

let's talk bout SOOCA...

one and most famous exam around here...every time seniours come,  

this is what they will talk about...

SOOCA is sort of oral test...but not a normal one...it's a problem based learning that

most of medical uni will apply on students...

you will be given a case, and from there you have to discuss about the mechanism, fbs, treatment and plus ethics...

It's a fun exam actually...it's like you will be 'interviewed' by two doctors....so the students will learn lots of new things especially diseases that normally will only learn in year 2 or 3 above...but now, we in year one, already learn a bit about it...so it kinda expose us to future lessons...

wish me luck!

i'm really hoping i will pass all the exams and can get myself Malaysia government loan...haihhh

God, i can say it's so hard...but i chose it...

so, all i can do now is just doing my best and hope the best from that....

sathuk...

God, give me strength...

it seems like things have been changing a little...

before, all i was thinking is just to fulfill my mum's wish and of course my own, but then, i found the knowledge is pretty thrill to be learned, everything is like puzzles to be solved, but later after that, i found out that, to learn, to be able to apply and to make someone else happy by helping them is even so much better...my perception about this carrier evolves from time to time...i am so surprise by what i get to know in my daily journey here...i am wondering what will i know tomorrow....

p/s; my first exam is coming...in like...10 days? God, give me strength to go through it....sathuk.....

bring me through...

God...please bring me through...

i will remember....

i will remember how hard my life is....

how it is impossible to just buy rice to eat...

how it is impossible to just buy ticket and go home....

and how hard it is to always have to think about money, study, and motivate myself not to give up...not even when life tells me every possible to just give up...

i don't know why i keep holding on...

i seriously don't know....

still haunted by worries

no matter where i go, no matter how far i walk...one thing that for sure will track me down is WORRIES....
then come FEARS...and then all i need to do to make sure i can deal with it is...be BRAVE....but it is not easy...really...sometime, u just need someone else to help you with the 'brave building'...but not every time u will have someone by ur side, and not everyone can help u that way...God...i'm so thankful that whenever i am lost...i can always pray to You, ask You for guidance....i'm so sorry if anyway i have forgotten You...God, forgive me....

so much of guilt to bear....so tired....

i never know....

i never know my dream will bring me so much of sorrow rather than happiness...

i'm so thinking that it will make me happy...but now i know...it's not....

it brings me so much of guilt, so much of sorries, so much of not-belong feeling...

because there is those who's suffering just to make sure i'm here...doing what i've always wanted to do...

how can i be happy in such state? how can i focus? how can i bear that much of torturing??

God...why i always am made wrong decision? 

why i've always ended up being where i'm not suppose to be?

where and how can i fix myself? how can i adapt to this?

God...there's so much sorrows i brought to her....

she's suffering, i'm suffering...no one's happy...but why i even choose to be here?

it's all a mistake...it's all a mistake...it's all a mistake...

i shouldn't have be so sure of it...i'm just still a stupid me...no matter what i do...

i just will never be able to grow up...

in this age of mine, in this decision of mine...i'm the stupidest...no one can compare to me...

i left her alone...struggling with bills...no daughter around...just receive a call every night...

with sad voice saying sorry over and over again...

God...she doesn't deserve this...why i end up hurt her more than making her proud?? 

the only way to help out is to get good result and get myself study loan...

God...bring me through...please...i must do this for her!

Give me strength...so i can go through all the guilts...and so i can make sure i can help her out....

...You're gonna Hear Me ROAR....

"Roar"

by KATY PERRY

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath

Scared to rock the boat and make a mess

So I sat quietly, agreed politely

I guess that I forgot I had a choice

I let you push me past the breaking point

I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, you hear that sound

Like thunder gonna shake the ground

You held me down, but I got up

Get ready cause I’ve had enough

I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire

Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR

Louder, louder than a lion

Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

You’re gonna hear me roar

Now I’m floating like a butterfly

Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes

I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, you hear that sound

Like thunder gonna shake the ground

You held me down, but I got up

Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough

I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire

‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR

Louder, louder than a lion

‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

You’re gonna hear me roar

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

You'll hear me ROAR

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

You're gonna hear me ROAR...

Roar-or, roar-or, roar-or, roar-or, roar-or

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire

‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR

Louder, louder than a lion

‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

You’re gonna hear me ROAR

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

You'll hear me ROAR

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

You're gonna hear me ROAR... 

i'm in scared....

God, i'm in scared...

i'm finally i get what i want but i'm scared i'm going to screw it up...

i'm scared i can't grab on it long enough...

i'm scared i'm not as good as anybody else....

i'm scared i can't do it...

i'm scared i'll drop out...

i'm scared i can't catch up...

i'm scared God...i'm so scared...

these fears in me make me chill and trapped in darkness....

when people laugh...i can't even laugh along with them...

my head keep thinking what should i do so that i won't 'collapse'...

God...bring me through these...

i can't study with fears up my sleeves...

God...only you i can cry to...only you i can find shelter...

people are looking at me...

they are waiting...wait for good news...not bad one...

God...protect me....help me...bring me through....

God...guide me through this fear...

i'm so lost....

banyak nyer cabaran...

nak study satu hal...

orang2 sekeliling satu hal....

diri sendiri satu hal...

God, give me strength...

let me figure things out...

let me be able to know what should i do...

Let these people being blessed with your love...

so they will be happy...so i will be happy...

let them know what consideration is cause

i'm trying my best to shout out what i need as well as what i've given them...

God...let me be happy....i love to be here...

this is all i've wanted for my whole life...

i wanna be happy...

happy is the only way to make it through...

but why it is so hard to be happy?

am i too blind to see n feel it?

God, guide me...

sathuk...

nothing i do can ever repay you....

i have today...because of you...Ama....

no matter how much i say 'thank you'...it won't be enough...

no matter what i do can ever repay your love, your support and your endless trust in me....

i'm just a lucky kid to have you...

Ama...thank you...

LOVE YOU :)

why is that everyone else seemed so...happy?

everyone...everyone around me seems so happy...

so perfect, so alive, so content...

they have lots of stories to share and i just...just have nothing to share back...

they are just...so damn happy...

am i being jealous? NO...

i'm happy for them...

but i just wonder, when is the last time i have had that kind of moment?

do i even have one before?

i just can't remember when is the last time i'm being happy...

people's life are moving on so beautifully that i'm sometime getting confused, 

why the hell that i'm the only one who can't get to feel it too??

they have their education,

they have their family members,

they have their boyfriends,

they have their girlfriends,

they have their siblings,

they just...have everything....

and they are so so so happy...

and me? 

on contrary, 

sitting here blogging, 

wondering why other people's life are so wonderful...

pathetic...i know...

God, gives me strength to go through this...

is it this is the price i need to pay for what i've taken? 

maybe...

because i pray so hard so that i will get it...

and i must pay for what i prayed for...

maybe this is it...

this is the road i've chosen...

to be alone, to feel lonely, to be sad and to keep being envious on someone else happiness...

God, i'm sorry if i've been there again, not being thankful for what i've got...

i'm so sorry...

i just..just wanna share my happy story too...but i have none of it...

God, i'm glad they are happy...

hope it will last long for them, bless them God...

cause at least from their smiles and laughs and loves...i can feel it too...for at least..a bit...

sathuk...

a very meaningful ads....

i cried for this...haha;pp

Lagu Biar Sampai Ke Bintang

i found such a good song...just imagine...your goal...

Biar Sampai Ke Bintang

~Asmidar~

Biar mimpi mimpi kita

Jejak sampai ke bintang

Walau harus menggapai awan

Menongkah arus ini

Aku tahu bukan mudah

Tapi mimpi ini harus aku

Tiada gunung yang terlalu tinggi

Tiada laut yang terlalu luas

Tuk mereka memisahkan kita

Dari mimpi-mimpi kita ini

Jangan resah ini takdir

Tuhan mendengarnya

Tuk membawa mimpi-mimpi kita

Biar mimpi sampai ke bintang

Kerna kita semua tahu

Kerana ini impian

Setiap satu dari kita

Tiada gunung yang terlalu tinggi

Tiada laut yang terlalu luas

Tuk mereka memisahkan kita

Dari mimpi-mimpi kita ini

Jangan resah ini takdir

Tuhan mendengarnya

Tuk membawa mimpi-mimpi kita

Menuju ke bintang

VaRiaTioN of LifE....

i live in a life that i can't tell what's going to happen....

i live in a life that i can see lots of impossible things happen....

i live in a life wondering of what's coming next...

i live in a life of praying and hoping and shouting out loud to the sky...

my life now has extended to a point that i can't imagine what's going to come or what's going to go...

i can't grab on things that i think i can grab on it...

i can just hope it will stay with me as long as it would please me...

another day another dawn....

i have been thinking what to write....lately...

my life now is kinda focus on one thing...

focus on...can i say, being better from day to day?

tired...

heart breaking...

and too energies sometimes...

however my life is going on and on and on...

this month, July is kinda most important month of my life time...

and next month...

all i hope is...my life will reveal itself in a blessing way...

God, gives me strength...

sathuk...

HUMBLE

lesson of life for Aries, Goat and number 9 people is humility...

on how to be humble...

i got hit again and again by trouble, just for life to make sure that i learn humbleness in my life....

life has to make sure that i learned it, only then it will stop hitting me??

basic question...how to be humble?

for most people...it is easy...

for me...it is hard...

because i always think that i can do stuff....

i always think that i have luck, intelligence and charm to do what ever i want if i try hard enough...

but...

life teached me something...

life told me that...

no matter what, if i'm not a humble enough...

i won't get what i want...

i was searching for it...humbleness...

what it is?

how to become a humble person?

what i need to do to prove that i have it that life won't hit me again?

after quite sometime of searching...

i'm still searching...

but it has become clearer now...

humbleness is....

to know who i am...

to hope for what i can become with humble heart...

to know that i can only plan but God's the one that will allow it...

and to pray....

to be humble enough to pray and please from God on what i want...

i used to be so proud...

that i can't pray and make a wish to God...

when i never try hard enough...i won't pray...because i know i won't get it anyway...

which i never know that is such a proud idea...

no matter what...just pray...

pray for blessing...

who are we to not even think of HIM?

who am i to not even dare to pray and seek help?

am i that strong that i don't need HIM?

i'm such an idiot...

too proud...

to full of myself...

too self righteous....

people think i'm shy, not so much of talk...but when it comes to inner fight, i'm the strongest...

because i thought, if i'm strong, God will help me...

but no...

God won't help until i seek help...

He won't be rewarding those who thinks she's strong but to those who humble enough to think that she's weak and need help...

who am i not to need any help?

i need it...seriously need it....

and i'm too proud and thought i don't need it...

i deserve to be hit again and again...seriously

i keep asking why...but now i know i deserve it...

i'm too proud that God need to wake me up...

i've got slap in my face that i awake now...

i got slap by my life...

my stupid decision...

my 'too full of my self' decision...

now that i'm dealing with it...

it shall end soon...

and i know now that this is not my place...

i'm too hung up with the past that i thought i can strive better but no...

past is past...

i'm who i'm now...

i'm the one that can't barely cope up...

i'm the one that can't even answer such a simple question....

i'm incompetent... 

and too far from excellence...

i thought i'm suitable for this but i got the hell wrong out of it...

no matter how much i try...i won't be good enough for this....

God knows best...He tries to tell me so many times...

drag me to the same position...

anchor me to the truth but still, i escape...

and now i'm in the middle of the sea...

nowhere to go...

too helpless, too hopeless...

God already gave me such a good place to be but i breakaway...

and now i'm paying the price...

i shout out loud but of course, no one will hear...

God...maybe all i need to do is just go back to the place i should be...

and to swim back to the same place...i hope i'll survive it...

God, forgive me....forgive me...forgive me...

i'm such an idiot, too proud, too full of myself...i'm just and idiot who just get to realize that i'm~

End point

End point is what everyone of us running to...

try our best to be there, for just to be there only will feed our satisfactions...

What's your end point?

Mine? It is just too far away...far til i don't feel like that's my end point anymore...

however, i'm still running to it...

run to go get it....

run run and run...

just before i realize that i can see it's shadow now...

but just then, the light seems to sail away....

leaving me in the darkness....i can't find my end point even it's so close to me...next to me perhaps?

until that light comes again....

i shall try my best to keep wandering in the dark...

stay there...

even it's cold, dark and miserable...

everyone else telling me to move forward, they say, the light won't come...

why not just try another end point?there is end point that always have light shines on it...

it waits there...just go get it...

but...i want...this end point...

this only end point...

i will just keep waiting here till the lights comes...

i will wait...and try...and wait just to touch it...

just to feel how it is...

i'm in sh*t....

yesterday, i watched Will Smith's talk bout life....

and he said;

'most of all, even if no one is believing it, you have to believe in it'

'and decide, please decide...and start from there just do it'

'don't ever make plan B to distract your plan A'....

''always have strong enthusiasm to FOCUS and make A GREAT FOCUS on what you're doing''

the way he said...blew my mind...

i've always made plan B in my life...because i know that i'll always fail in plan A....

i've always easily given up on my plan A and never believe that it's gonna work...

i distract myself from it....and never try hard enough....

God, how can i be like him?

how can someone have so much of motivational and never give up in life?

but most of all...i know he learned it hard way...

before someone can talk all those things out...he must have gone through a lot....

a lot until, he doesn't have fear towards 'fear' anymore...

as he said 'i attack my fears'

God....i wish i know what i'm doing and i wish i will stop doubting about it...

i can't remember which day in my life now, that i don't call myself stupid...

i let great chance past...

i grab on uncertainty...

and i'm dealing with impossible...

God...

gives me strength...

tell me if i'm doing it right or wrong...

i'm on my way to believing...

sathuk...

just wanna try....

-KELLY CLARKSON-

BREAKAWAY

Grew up in a small town

And when the rain would fall down

I'd just stare out my window

Dreaming of what could be

And if I'd end up happy

I would pray

Trying hard to reach out

But when I'd try to speak out

Felt like no one could hear me

Wanted to belong here

But something felt so wrong here

So I pray

I could breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes ‘til I touch the sky

And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change

And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun

But I won't forget all the ones that I loved

I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change

And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze

Sleep under a palm tree

Feel the rush of the ocean

Get on board a fast train

Travel on a jet plane, far away

And breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky

And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change

And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun

I won't forget all the ones that I loved

I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change

And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors

Swinging 'round revolving doors

Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but

Gotta keep moving on, moving on

Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye

I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change

And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun

But I won't forget the place I come from

I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change

And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway 

chutttaaa

chutta if can be like them...

no need even to try...

no need even to stressed out...

don't even have to make life calculation to survive each day...

chutta...

God...

i wish to be someone else again...

i don't appreciate of what i have again...

i'm doing sin again...

God...

thank you for everything...

thank you...

thank you....

and

sorry...

sorry...

sorry...

problems....

that moment when u realize u're surrounded by nothing but problems....

u just can't see the bright side of life....

people hate u for u....

u find hard time to even talk to ur own family members....

u feel don't deserve to be where u are...

and most of all, u feel regret of having this life....

people are different....

other people sip a lucky drink while u're the one who get to drink the poisoned one....

just that, when u gonna get that lucky sip too right?? just when??

it is so hard, so impossible and such a dream for me to lead 'this' kind of life....

don't ask bout other people....

their timing are just better and better...

not mine...of course not....

i just wish to be one of those lucky people....

but lucky is not always my option....

work hard? yes? plus never pay off....

i feel like i've been punished for my stupid decision...

can i say it has been....9 months? and now i've made it worst...

money also gone....

sh*t what have i done to me n family?

people are out of mind sometime, but they keep getting what they want....

me being out of mind? dooooommmmm a freaking boom just landed =_=''

God....sometime i feel like u left me behind because i choose not to listen to u...

can You turns back n look at me now?

can You take care of me too even after so many sinssss?

can You give me at least strength to walk into ur sight?

please....

feel like so long never up date...

well, it is quite a life i have here...

tough, mentally and physically...

i need to accept people the way it is, by understanding...

which, 

to understand something or someone is actually a great deal...

but not until you find you...

you see you talking, you see you act, you see you in front of yourself...

i met someone....exactly like me...

every time she talks, acts, it seems like me...

but not 'me' now, but 'me' then....

before i see the small matter, matter....

before i see life is actually not always that beautiful flower park to walk by....

there is dirty mud, their is river to cross and there is people to meet....

so, now that i see 'myself' talking to me...

all i can think of is just, oh my God...am i really that bad before?

how does people around me even stand it??

oh my God...what have i done??

God....i feel like i owed people....a lot of them that i have to repay...

will i have chance to repay them??

will there be a second chance that i can make that up to them?

i will be better....

i will care more...

i will talk less and listen more...

i will concern...

i will think and most of all...

i will love...

love them enough to be able to put them before me...

sathuk...

Martin Luther King, Jr.

just keep goinggggg.....

stand on the ground....

sometime, all u need is just to be able to stand on the ground and feel that everything that moves underneath you is real and you're able to rest your heart upon it...

but,

it gets blur for me...

can you imagine...to be asking yourself every now and then 'am i doing the right thing?'

'what am i doing?'

'it is right?'

it is totally screwed up my head...

and all i need is just a sign...tell me, what should i do? what should i decide? what should i think???

it's just...so blur now

all i hope is...it is going to be better....

In The Deep

''In The Deep'' 

by Birdy York

Thought you had

all the answers

to rest your heart upon.

But something happens,

don't see it coming, now

you can't stop yourself.

Now you're out there swimming...

In the deep.

In the deep.

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles

till you... Let go.

Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven,

and you throw yourself off.

Now you're out there spinning...

In the deep.

In the deep.

In the deep.

In the deep.

And now you're out there spinning...

And now you're out there spinning...

In the deep.

In the deep.

In the deep.

And the silence,

all your secrets will

raise their weary heads.

Well, you can pin yourself back together,

well, who here thought you would?

Now you're out there livin'...

In the deep.

In the deep.

In the deep.

In the deep...

Now you're out there spinning...

Now you're out there swimming...

Now you're out there spinning...

In the deep.

In the deep.

In the deep.

In the deep...

so good...

to be thankful to life the way it is...

to be minimalist....

to be humble...

to be such a good prayer...

to be good...

to be such a saint child...

to be honest...

to be able to love without wanting any love back...

to be self less...

to sacrifice for good...

to be wise...

independent...

to be able to help...

to be able to smile with whole-hearted...

to love...

so much wonders to treasure...to try...to become....

sathuk....

my last chance....

i don't wanna write about it because every time i did, it chao away....damn...

anyway, wish me luck!

why do i want this...again? =_='''

i've been thinking....since when i like it such a hard hard hard life??

and why am i even done this stupid decision?

shall i be thankful for that God has stopped me from dumb move?

so, now, i'm questioning myself...it is that necessary?

it is that worth all of these wasted time, money, hope and my mum supports?

goshhh what have i done to myself??!!

why am i having such a rush of determination out of reckless, so suddenly?

now that i don't know what should i do...

shall i just let it go??

i'm grasping it for too long that i feel so tired, boring and fed up of it....

shall i continue?

why am i even thinking about doing it? having it? wanting it?

what i've been thinking?!! >.<

shall i continue? or shall i just...stop?

i hate to say that i'm stressed by....

i am stressed by my failed life...of course,

but one more thing...is my weight...

ever since, i have never been in good shape like any other people...

well, i'm perfectly healthy and far from deformed...

however, most people treat fat people like one...

yeah, of course yes, why not right? 

because we seems to indulge ourselves, not care about health n look....

what can u say right?

yes, it is true that society needs to hate fat people, 

because it can be a push button for that they won't be happy with how they look 

and try to change, to have a healthier life...

yes, i'm stressed by these concepts...

need.to.get.healthier. 

IS HARD >.<

well, u can say 'ala if u try u can'

try become me...let's see if u can do it....

i tried many times....

failed...yes...

because it's tired out there...

to run, to exercise, to be laughed at while exercising...

IT IS HARD...

well, u can blame my tiny little determination...

u can blame my bad eating habits...

or maybe wrong parenting...too much love is given?

but most of all, 

it's my own self right?

yes...

if i want it..i must go get it...

they pop up pills to get slimmer...

but i'm not that kind of person...

i know how much calories i'm taking in, and how much i need to take out....

so that i will have a truly healthy body...

exercise is the best way to gain fit and healthy body...

even best way for ur cardio...

well, let's pray that i can do it...again =_='''

goshhhh need inspiration! >.<

only God knows how....

only God knows how the scared is creeping up my brain....

and only God knows how procrastinate i'm because i'm too scared to start, try and fail...again...

God, gives me strength....i wanna have faith again...

CHAYOK!!!>.<

God, You heals my fear....please heal it with Your bless...sathuk

God, this piece of letter is from my heart to You....

'Phrak ei chaui che duai'

i have fears...a BIG one...

it's engulfing me with it's giant world...

God, why fears are so scary?

why it's power is so great that i can't make it to fight back...

to compare to the fears i have...my faith and my bravery is just a little piece of bean...

God, i'm scared....

i'm scared, i'm not going to make it...

Phrak ei che klua...klua chat....

i'm shivering...

my feet numb...

my hands are weak...

my head is blocking....

i can't think on how to escape these fears....

God, only You i can turn to...

only You can show me ways...

God, save me...

please, save me from these fears....

Phrak ei...

why it is so hard?

Hall of Fame

"Hall Of Fame" 

by The Script featuring Will.i.am 

You could be the greatest

You can be the best

You can be the king kong banging on your chest

You could beat the world

You could beat the war

You could talk to God, go banging on his door

You can throw your hands up

You can be the clock

You can move a mountain

You can break rocks

You can be a master

Don't wait for luck

Dedicate yourself and you can find yourself

Standing in the hall of fame

And the world's gonna know your name

Cause you burn with the brightest flame

And the world's gonna know your name

And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

You could go the distance

You could run the mile

You could walk straight through hell with a smile

You could be the hero

You could get the gold

Breaking all the records that thought never could be broke

Do it for your people

Do it for your pride

Never gonna know if you never even try

Do it for your counrty

Do it for you name

Cause there's gonna be a day

When your, standing in the hall of fame

And the world's gonna know your name

Cause you burn with the brightest flame

And the world's gonna know your name

And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

Be a champion, Be a champion, Be a champion, Be a champion

On the walls of the hall of fame

Be students

Be teachers

Be politicians

Be preachers

Be believers

Be leaders

Be astronauts

Be champions

Be true seekers

Be students

Be teachers

Be politicians

Be preachers

Be believers

Be leaders

Be astronauts

Be champions

Standing in the hall of fame

And the world's gonna know your name

Cause you burn with the brightest flame

And the world's gonna know your name

And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

(You can be a champion)

You could be the greatest

(You can be a champion)

You can be the best

(You can be a champion)

You can be the king kong banging on your chest

(You can be a champion)

You could beat the world

(You can be a champion)

You could beat the war

(You can be a champion)

You could talk to God, go banging on his door

(You can be a champion)

You can throw your hands up

(You can be a champion)

You can be the clock

(You can be a champion)

You can move a mountain

(You can be a champion)

You can break rocks

(You can be a champion)

You can be a master

(You can be a champion)

Don't wait for luck

(You can be a champion)

Dedicate yourself and you can find yourself

(You can be a champion)

Standing in the hall of fame

i'm not trying hard enough....

i know i'm not trying hard enough...

wasting time on regrets, doubts, and giving up....

wasting time on useless craps plus procrastinating...

God saw me...every day....see what i do, what i think, what i've become...
such a loser...indeed

God, forgive me...
i am just so dumb!

i can't do this anymore! i can't take it to see myself getting lower and lower...

i'm tired of being miserable and can't control myself from procrastination....

God, why it is so hard for my brain to get it?

God....i feel bad about myself...

i feel really...really...really bad...

i should help myself....

i can't stay this way forever!

i'm gonna keep getting what i always get if i stay like this...

i'm gonna face the same thing if i keep letting myself run with the wind....

i need to stay put, still, firm on the ground....and try harder! >.<

God, i hate laziness!

my head just being programmed that way, it is so hard to change!

when sumy when?

when you gonna realize that u need to get hardworking and work your ass off to get what u want?!

oh goshhh stress! >.<'
come on! try harder!

Try try try

"Try" 

by P!nk

Ever wonder about what he's doing

How it all turned to lies

Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why

Where there is desire

There is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame

Someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns

Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You've gotta get up and try try try

Gotta get up and try try try

You gotta get up and try try try

Eh, eh, eh

Funny how the heart can be deceiving

More than just a couple times

Why do we fall in love so easy

Even when it's not right

Where there is desire

There is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame

Someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns

Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You've gotta get up and try try try

Gotta get up and try try try

You gotta get up and try try try

Ever worried that it might be ruined

And does it make you wanna cry?

When you're out there doing what you're doing

Are you just getting by?

Tell me are you just getting by by by

Where there is desire

There is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame

Someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns

Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You've gotta get up and try try try

Gotta get up and try try try

You gotta get up and try try try

Gotta get up and try try try

Gotta get up and try try try

You gotta get up and try try try

Gotta get up and try try try

You gotta get up and try try try

Gotta get up and try try try

plan? ask first...

well, let's start with these few questions...

1) where do you want to 'go'?

2) is that truly what you always wanted to?

3) can you go there?

4) do you have all resources for that?

5) what do you need to do to complete this task you've decided? plan? what plan? can u plan it?

6) what it takes to make the plan done?

then start planning...

and start doing....

plus counting down...

these few questions...can change you forever...

decide.plan.do.continue.there

5 stages of success...

look simple...

look again...

think...

think hard...

............................................

impossible?

make it possible...

and go for it...

all of these....

i'm telling myself....

it's not an advise or what so ever...

just reminding myself...

which, i'm now should be at the 'continue' stage...

but yet, i'm here stuck at 'do' and always tend to stop....

God, give me strength...

sathuk...

saying the same thing...over n over~

i keep myself from moving on because i tied myself to the past....

glorious past, is past...

it never is going to make sure glorious future...

present...is present, never is going to promise any future either....

what i learned must be, nothing is certain....

anything can happen...

i can't keep telling myself i must be like this and that just because i used to be like this and that in the past...

i must lift this 'anchor' of mine....

and sail...

sail to new places...

i must forgive what's that already happened...and move forward...

i can't keep thinking that when thing is bad yesterday and it is going to be bad today or tomorrow too...

and i can't keep reminding myself that it is going to be better....

that is just too selfish and too self righteous...

things happen the way it will happen....

u can predict but u can't be certain that it's going to be the way you want it to be...

truth is, you can't do anything to change fate...

u might screwed it up but that is just what u feel like...

actually u never is screwed anything up...

it happens because fate already written it that way...the way that u will screw it up...

so forgive yourself, forgive your past....and walk on....

stay positive, do good things, and pray....

because u'll never know what's going to be happened tomorrow....
as no one on earth, can run away from his own fate...
no matter what...

~sathuk~