it's so hard to find "my person"

 will i have chance to have at least one person to be my person?

they always come and go...

they always search for a better one when i'm actually right there in front of them...

maybe being too nice and pleasing always push people away because human are like that...they search for the one that is not searching for them...

and when i bailed...why are you searching me back?

when i'm there why you treated me like trash?

why people are so cruel?

just so tired of being there...

stop texting me like i mean the world to you when you're actually just so bored over there...

my study type...

kena atas batang hidung...hahaha sape suruh jawab benda2 psychology nih;pp

my study type:

You Are Intellectual :)

You don't really like to study; you like to learn. You prepare for tests sort of naturally. You aren't one to memorize lots of facts. You just tend to remember what is interesting - and you find a lot interesting. 

You tend to feel unprepared for most tests you take, but you end up doing a lot better than you expect. You're not the type to learn something for a few weeks only to forget it later. 

When you learn, you learn for life.

Like A Star

so...you know you love someone when you can't stand to see them hurting...

i love you people....

my altatayan group...

hope God bless us all...

"Like A Star"

Just like a star across my sky,

Just like an angel off the page,

You have appeared to my life,

Feel like I'll never be the same,

Just like a song in my heart,

Just like oil on my hands,

Honour to love you

Still I wonder why it is,

I don't argue like this,

With anyone but you,

We do it all the time,

Blowing out my mind,

You've got this look I can't describe,

You make me feel like I'm alive,

When everything else is au fait,

Without a doubt you're on my side,

Heaven has been away too long,

Can't find the words to write this song,

Oh...

Your love,

Still I wonder why it is,

I don't argue like this,

With anyone but you,

We do it all the time,

Blowing out my mind,

Now I have come to understand,

The way it is,

It's not a secret anymore,

'cause we've been through that before,

From tonight I know that you're the only one,

I've been confused and in the dark,

Now I understand,

I wonder why it is,

I don't argue like this,

With anyone but you,

I wonder why it is,

I wont let my guard down,

For anyone but you

We do it all the time,

Blowing out my mind,

Just like a star across my sky,

Just like an angel off the page,

You have appeared to my life,

Feel like I'll never be the same,

Just like a song in my heart,

Just like oil on my hands

so many words

few things going on in my head lately...

and these things are trying so hard to take me off my goals...

GOALS?

yeahhhh bla bla bla...but seriously, we live our life thinking we need to be happy so we don't even wanna spend a day struggling...but struggling is essential...because at the end of the day, that's what you counted on...

i hate to say that for me...the step of 'stick to it' is hard to carry on...

i am totally capable of distraction....

entertainment...

friends...

people...

life management...

that make it so hard for me to focus...

of course it's none of their fault...

it's me...

why am i so easily distracted?

why i let myself be distracted?

it's nearly exam now and look at what i already know now...yeah not so much!

goshhh bring yourselves together sumy!

just stick to it...please! >.<

when i'm thinking about it...

 "Surgeon can't be lazy, the risks are too great, the seconds we stop pushing ourselves, something terrible happens, something we never see it's coming" _Grey's_

well, all the words above doesn't say anything wrong....every each of the word is true...not just for a surgeon but for everyone...we can't stop pushing ourselves....and here i am...being lazy all day and focus on something emergency but not something important...that's one thing about me joining organization...i tend to care more about that because i'm not good at it...well, that doesn't mean i'm good at academic stuff but i feel safe there...just feel more secure reading Moore's than doing poster or doing fundraising haha okayyy i'm gonna go hit myself with some readings now...just for the love of God, please give me peace and ease for my study...i'm so sick of worrying that it makes me lazy and unproductive! urghhhhh >.<

life.update.thinking

hey there bloggers!

quite sometime i'm not updating my blog yea?

hmmmm

so today i feel like typing my heart out! ;pp

been a busy, tiring and confusing week for me, owh scary too! why? we'll get to that...

study wise, hmmm so far so good...i just still feel like a directionless sail...

still figure out what and which to do, to figure out and to plan next...haihhhh

normal...

book, papers, presentation, friends, money and fooddddd

yeah, i have to put food as one of the things i'm thinking and trying about...why?

haha normal issue for me; weight gain >.<

skip that~~~~~

i was bathing just now, and as people say, you often thinking of something new, or getting ideas from there

so do i today...

all of sudden, i'm asking myself, what is my purpose in life?

what do i want?

who i wanna become?

 and am i closer to that?

as i live, now for 23 years...i don't feel like i'm growing...or developing...

i need to develop...like errr more knowledge, more perspective in life, more goals and missions...

i'm just recently....so much going with the flow that i forget what i want, or what i should be doing...

they say people can get lost sometime....

now i feel that way...

feel tired, unorganized, scared, and sensitive....

maybe this is hormone talking (one of the reasons i hate being born as a woman),

but still, i'm thinking about it....

i barely pray....

i barely have real talk with my mum now,

i don't text my friends,

and i'm not focus with tasks in hands...

what am i doing?

why am i so lost?

why am i so distracted from reality?

what happen inside my head?

then i think...think...and think again....

maybe i'm too attached to the world...

when i say world, i means people around...

maybe i'm trying too hard to keep up with the pace and forget what i actually needed to do...

i think so...

maybe i should start with prayers,

calling home, get in touch with friends and try to focus and not running away from my responsibility...

it's okay to get scared right? it's healthy...

well thanks to those who let me walk alone...thanks to those who made me do group jobs on my own...

the stress, whatever that won't kill me make me stronger...

maybe it's time for me to admit i need helps...

maybe it's time for me to contact the world...

yeah...it's time for me to try and get out of my comfort zone...

who say i'll get nothing in return? 

i get to fight, i get to learn, i get to grow and be more positive about life...

people all around me are just like me...there're human who did mistakes and lead a normal life like i do...

so why am i so scared of being weak? everyone is weak....

maybe the first step to become stronger is to admit that i'm weak and working on it...

yeah maybe so...

Give me strength...give me lights...give me spirits to carry on my passions....

sathuk~

tomorrow officially year 2^^

people of my age might been thinking bout their year 2 of med school as a blurry memories because it's ended longggggggg ago...but for me, tomorrow it is!

haihhhhh 

'the sadness of getting in such a late train' i can't deny it's surfacing my throat every day....

but yeah, i chose it, and i'm sticking with it...bitter or sweet, i shall finish my journey...

well! i'm forever 18!!^^ (=____+)

haiihhhhhh

ok, let's just pin that on the wall and not gonna keep looking at it?

to throw it into the bin is to deny the truth, so just pin it there la ok?

so, tomorrow is my Sem 3, Year 2 of my epic med school....

haiyoooo damn nervous! >.<''

this new sem, i'll go through Endocrinology and Nervous System....

hmmmmm both kinda fun! and i love them!^^ 

let's not jinx what so ever it is...

i'll just say; i'll do my best!^^

assignment already knocking my door actually....gotta run!

pray for me!

sathuk...God, bless me~

worrying time comes again....

they said happy time will always end faster than the sorrow's...

so, is it true?

my happiness just expired...can i say that?

..nope..

let's just think...it's getting lessen by the minute i'm trying to wait for it...yeah let's put it up that way
so, am i going to keep waiting for it?
yeah~

who doesn't....i just won't keep my hope so high...but still, let's just pray hard....

sathuk~

2nd year coming

done first year...

and i just got my result today for whole year point...

FBS n RPS 

what to say ya...

personally i know i have to do better...

but the result is...thank God...

nothing much to say rather than just to thank God for everything...

this playful kid will do better...must do better!

Can go home with less guilt now...

deep inside u know u have much more guilt to bear sumy...

with all those hours i spent trolling around and not studying...would've done better sumy...

so...

just try better, 

do better,

and strive further...

it's a push and a proof that i must be able to grads in this course that i promise to love till i die...

sathuk~

thanks to Ama for all her prayers...

i'm sure none of this came out as good as this without your prayers...

sathuk...God bless Ama...my love n only...

my principle? simple

my principle is simple, once u messing around with me,

i'll make sure u know u messing around with me...that's it...nothing much^^

i won't pay back what u did...i'll just announce awesomely that u messing around with me :)

welcome to my black list community^^

welcome2^^

DONE 1ST YEAR

done first year!!

happy or not eh?

don't know la...

feel like something is wrong...yeah of course, haven't get result yet...haihhhh

worst thing ever waiting for result....

God...guide me through....

it's eating me up~

i'm so selfish back then...

i wanted to be alone....

so i said "ok, let's just get my ass into any busiest job on earth,
because i don't want to be in any relationship anyway,

and i like to be alone...."

IDIOT

now it strikes me hard....i barely have time to take care of my mother...

i'm the only child...and here i am...so far away and can't even help her with laundry....at least...

and i'm so far away from my old friends...so hard to keep in touch because whatever topic they're talking,

i have no idea it existed

glad glad glad huh? to get this sumy?

yeah, you should be...
because whatever u left behind are too much for u to regret getting what it is now...

ama...miss you

friends...i'm so sorry...

God...thank you~

price of being born with or without money

born with money;

-i have no idea how-

because i'm not

born without money;

i know it so well ....

first,

you will keep on wondering how it feels like to be born with money...

yeah it is...

day and night...

wondering if your life will be better if u're born like that...

but in another view, you will feel so damn lucky that u're not on of those spoiled brat who live their life thinking of nothing but themselves...oppss no offense~

and...u tend to appreciate every single little cent that u have in hand...

u tend to plan ahead...because of course u can't slip any cent without the word 'WORTH'....

and God, one thing for sure...i'm so thankful to have a parent who struggles day and night searching money for me to eat each meal...even pay for my tuition fees...FULL...

so tell me, why i'm still wondering and want better life?

i got myself lessons....which is too expensive to bought by money...no matter how much it costs...they can't buy what i see, what i learned and what i knew now...

thank God for every little or big hardship or easy life that i've been through...

it's valuable... 

thank you~

that feeling being in the middle of Belgium chocolates

i'm that type that i came from cocoa tree...that type chocolate that not yet being process...

but those people around me? they are Belgium Chocolates...that already being process, packed and sell so nicely on store...

i can't bring myself there with them because i'm not the same...

and the best part is none of them even try to be with me...

i'm always the one who need to try to be there with them...

which i learned it hard way...

so from now on, why i even bother?

let's just live where i am...and let's see who i'm gonna meet in my way then...

let's just do that....

sadness of life...

the sadness of life is that when you don't realize who you actually are...

and you have been trying to be someone else and some how some day you're getting tired of failure

to be someone else that you realize why can't you be yourselves to get what u want? 

why you need to be someone else to get what you want or to where you want to be?

i have been thinking....if other person study for 5 hours and can get A...then why i need to study 3 days for that? so it bugged me real bad...can i live the way they live and get what they get?

NO

i can't...because i have my own capacity to achieve things...

i need 3 days of studying only i can answer the questions...they are different compare to me...

of course they do

i can't be sad about that or blame God for that...it's fair...it is always fair...

nothing on earth is not fair...

everything has it's own reason of working out that way...

just maybe in daily basis we found ourselves envy of other people capabilities that we often forgot that 

we might as well have something that other people wish for...

so like it or not..you will have to live with what you have and make that work...

it might not ever come easy for me...but it shall not always be hard and i shall not burden myself with 

doubt, jealousy, envies, or what so ever the feeling that i have towards the others...

i shall stay with myself, reflect inside out of who i am and what i wanna become...

it's okay sumy...it's gonna be okay....use what you have to get what you want...that way, it's going to be okay....

SATHUK~