HUMBLE

lesson of life for Aries, Goat and number 9 people is humility...

on how to be humble...

i got hit again and again by trouble, just for life to make sure that i learn humbleness in my life....

life has to make sure that i learned it, only then it will stop hitting me??

basic question...how to be humble?

for most people...it is easy...

for me...it is hard...

because i always think that i can do stuff....

i always think that i have luck, intelligence and charm to do what ever i want if i try hard enough...

but...

life teached me something...

life told me that...

no matter what, if i'm not a humble enough...

i won't get what i want...

i was searching for it...humbleness...

what it is?

how to become a humble person?

what i need to do to prove that i have it that life won't hit me again?

after quite sometime of searching...

i'm still searching...

but it has become clearer now...

humbleness is....

to know who i am...

to hope for what i can become with humble heart...

to know that i can only plan but God's the one that will allow it...

and to pray....

to be humble enough to pray and please from God on what i want...

i used to be so proud...

that i can't pray and make a wish to God...

when i never try hard enough...i won't pray...because i know i won't get it anyway...

which i never know that is such a proud idea...

no matter what...just pray...

pray for blessing...

who are we to not even think of HIM?

who am i to not even dare to pray and seek help?

am i that strong that i don't need HIM?

i'm such an idiot...

too proud...

to full of myself...

too self righteous....

people think i'm shy, not so much of talk...but when it comes to inner fight, i'm the strongest...

because i thought, if i'm strong, God will help me...

but no...

God won't help until i seek help...

He won't be rewarding those who thinks she's strong but to those who humble enough to think that she's weak and need help...

who am i not to need any help?

i need it...seriously need it....

and i'm too proud and thought i don't need it...

i deserve to be hit again and again...seriously

i keep asking why...but now i know i deserve it...

i'm too proud that God need to wake me up...

i've got slap in my face that i awake now...

i got slap by my life...

my stupid decision...

my 'too full of my self' decision...

now that i'm dealing with it...

it shall end soon...

and i know now that this is not my place...

i'm too hung up with the past that i thought i can strive better but no...

past is past...

i'm who i'm now...

i'm the one that can't barely cope up...

i'm the one that can't even answer such a simple question....

i'm incompetent... 

and too far from excellence...

i thought i'm suitable for this but i got the hell wrong out of it...

no matter how much i try...i won't be good enough for this....

God knows best...He tries to tell me so many times...

drag me to the same position...

anchor me to the truth but still, i escape...

and now i'm in the middle of the sea...

nowhere to go...

too helpless, too hopeless...

God already gave me such a good place to be but i breakaway...

and now i'm paying the price...

i shout out loud but of course, no one will hear...

God...maybe all i need to do is just go back to the place i should be...

and to swim back to the same place...i hope i'll survive it...

God, forgive me....forgive me...forgive me...

i'm such an idiot, too proud, too full of myself...i'm just and idiot who just get to realize that i'm~

End point

End point is what everyone of us running to...

try our best to be there, for just to be there only will feed our satisfactions...

What's your end point?

Mine? It is just too far away...far til i don't feel like that's my end point anymore...

however, i'm still running to it...

run to go get it....

run run and run...

just before i realize that i can see it's shadow now...

but just then, the light seems to sail away....

leaving me in the darkness....i can't find my end point even it's so close to me...next to me perhaps?

until that light comes again....

i shall try my best to keep wandering in the dark...

stay there...

even it's cold, dark and miserable...

everyone else telling me to move forward, they say, the light won't come...

why not just try another end point?there is end point that always have light shines on it...

it waits there...just go get it...

but...i want...this end point...

this only end point...

i will just keep waiting here till the lights comes...

i will wait...and try...and wait just to touch it...

just to feel how it is...

i'm in sh*t....

yesterday, i watched Will Smith's talk bout life....

and he said;

'most of all, even if no one is believing it, you have to believe in it'

'and decide, please decide...and start from there just do it'

'don't ever make plan B to distract your plan A'....

''always have strong enthusiasm to FOCUS and make A GREAT FOCUS on what you're doing''

the way he said...blew my mind...

i've always made plan B in my life...because i know that i'll always fail in plan A....

i've always easily given up on my plan A and never believe that it's gonna work...

i distract myself from it....and never try hard enough....

God, how can i be like him?

how can someone have so much of motivational and never give up in life?

but most of all...i know he learned it hard way...

before someone can talk all those things out...he must have gone through a lot....

a lot until, he doesn't have fear towards 'fear' anymore...

as he said 'i attack my fears'

God....i wish i know what i'm doing and i wish i will stop doubting about it...

i can't remember which day in my life now, that i don't call myself stupid...

i let great chance past...

i grab on uncertainty...

and i'm dealing with impossible...

God...

gives me strength...

tell me if i'm doing it right or wrong...

i'm on my way to believing...

sathuk...

just wanna try....

-KELLY CLARKSON-

BREAKAWAY

Grew up in a small town

And when the rain would fall down

I'd just stare out my window

Dreaming of what could be

And if I'd end up happy

I would pray

Trying hard to reach out

But when I'd try to speak out

Felt like no one could hear me

Wanted to belong here

But something felt so wrong here

So I pray

I could breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes ‘til I touch the sky

And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change

And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun

But I won't forget all the ones that I loved

I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change

And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze

Sleep under a palm tree

Feel the rush of the ocean

Get on board a fast train

Travel on a jet plane, far away

And breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky

And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change

And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun

I won't forget all the ones that I loved

I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change

And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors

Swinging 'round revolving doors

Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but

Gotta keep moving on, moving on

Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye

I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change

And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun

But I won't forget the place I come from

I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change

And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway 

chutttaaa

chutta if can be like them...

no need even to try...

no need even to stressed out...

don't even have to make life calculation to survive each day...

chutta...

God...

i wish to be someone else again...

i don't appreciate of what i have again...

i'm doing sin again...

God...

thank you for everything...

thank you...

thank you....

and

sorry...

sorry...

sorry...

problems....

that moment when u realize u're surrounded by nothing but problems....

u just can't see the bright side of life....

people hate u for u....

u find hard time to even talk to ur own family members....

u feel don't deserve to be where u are...

and most of all, u feel regret of having this life....

people are different....

other people sip a lucky drink while u're the one who get to drink the poisoned one....

just that, when u gonna get that lucky sip too right?? just when??

it is so hard, so impossible and such a dream for me to lead 'this' kind of life....

don't ask bout other people....

their timing are just better and better...

not mine...of course not....

i just wish to be one of those lucky people....

but lucky is not always my option....

work hard? yes? plus never pay off....

i feel like i've been punished for my stupid decision...

can i say it has been....9 months? and now i've made it worst...

money also gone....

sh*t what have i done to me n family?

people are out of mind sometime, but they keep getting what they want....

me being out of mind? dooooommmmm a freaking boom just landed =_=''

God....sometime i feel like u left me behind because i choose not to listen to u...

can You turns back n look at me now?

can You take care of me too even after so many sinssss?

can You give me at least strength to walk into ur sight?

please....

feel like so long never up date...

well, it is quite a life i have here...

tough, mentally and physically...

i need to accept people the way it is, by understanding...

which, 

to understand something or someone is actually a great deal...

but not until you find you...

you see you talking, you see you act, you see you in front of yourself...

i met someone....exactly like me...

every time she talks, acts, it seems like me...

but not 'me' now, but 'me' then....

before i see the small matter, matter....

before i see life is actually not always that beautiful flower park to walk by....

there is dirty mud, their is river to cross and there is people to meet....

so, now that i see 'myself' talking to me...

all i can think of is just, oh my God...am i really that bad before?

how does people around me even stand it??

oh my God...what have i done??

God....i feel like i owed people....a lot of them that i have to repay...

will i have chance to repay them??

will there be a second chance that i can make that up to them?

i will be better....

i will care more...

i will talk less and listen more...

i will concern...

i will think and most of all...

i will love...

love them enough to be able to put them before me...

sathuk...

Martin Luther King, Jr.

just keep goinggggg.....

stand on the ground....

sometime, all u need is just to be able to stand on the ground and feel that everything that moves underneath you is real and you're able to rest your heart upon it...

but,

it gets blur for me...

can you imagine...to be asking yourself every now and then 'am i doing the right thing?'

'what am i doing?'

'it is right?'

it is totally screwed up my head...

and all i need is just a sign...tell me, what should i do? what should i decide? what should i think???

it's just...so blur now

all i hope is...it is going to be better....

In The Deep

''In The Deep'' 

by Birdy York

Thought you had

all the answers

to rest your heart upon.

But something happens,

don't see it coming, now

you can't stop yourself.

Now you're out there swimming...

In the deep.

In the deep.

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles

till you... Let go.

Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven,

and you throw yourself off.

Now you're out there spinning...

In the deep.

In the deep.

In the deep.

In the deep.

And now you're out there spinning...

And now you're out there spinning...

In the deep.

In the deep.

In the deep.

And the silence,

all your secrets will

raise their weary heads.

Well, you can pin yourself back together,

well, who here thought you would?

Now you're out there livin'...

In the deep.

In the deep.

In the deep.

In the deep...

Now you're out there spinning...

Now you're out there swimming...

Now you're out there spinning...

In the deep.

In the deep.

In the deep.

In the deep...

so good...

to be thankful to life the way it is...

to be minimalist....

to be humble...

to be such a good prayer...

to be good...

to be such a saint child...

to be honest...

to be able to love without wanting any love back...

to be self less...

to sacrifice for good...

to be wise...

independent...

to be able to help...

to be able to smile with whole-hearted...

to love...

so much wonders to treasure...to try...to become....

sathuk....

my last chance....

i don't wanna write about it because every time i did, it chao away....damn...

anyway, wish me luck!

why do i want this...again? =_='''

i've been thinking....since when i like it such a hard hard hard life??

and why am i even done this stupid decision?

shall i be thankful for that God has stopped me from dumb move?

so, now, i'm questioning myself...it is that necessary?

it is that worth all of these wasted time, money, hope and my mum supports?

goshhh what have i done to myself??!!

why am i having such a rush of determination out of reckless, so suddenly?

now that i don't know what should i do...

shall i just let it go??

i'm grasping it for too long that i feel so tired, boring and fed up of it....

shall i continue?

why am i even thinking about doing it? having it? wanting it?

what i've been thinking?!! >.<

shall i continue? or shall i just...stop?

i hate to say that i'm stressed by....

i am stressed by my failed life...of course,

but one more thing...is my weight...

ever since, i have never been in good shape like any other people...

well, i'm perfectly healthy and far from deformed...

however, most people treat fat people like one...

yeah, of course yes, why not right? 

because we seems to indulge ourselves, not care about health n look....

what can u say right?

yes, it is true that society needs to hate fat people, 

because it can be a push button for that they won't be happy with how they look 

and try to change, to have a healthier life...

yes, i'm stressed by these concepts...

need.to.get.healthier. 

IS HARD >.<

well, u can say 'ala if u try u can'

try become me...let's see if u can do it....

i tried many times....

failed...yes...

because it's tired out there...

to run, to exercise, to be laughed at while exercising...

IT IS HARD...

well, u can blame my tiny little determination...

u can blame my bad eating habits...

or maybe wrong parenting...too much love is given?

but most of all, 

it's my own self right?

yes...

if i want it..i must go get it...

they pop up pills to get slimmer...

but i'm not that kind of person...

i know how much calories i'm taking in, and how much i need to take out....

so that i will have a truly healthy body...

exercise is the best way to gain fit and healthy body...

even best way for ur cardio...

well, let's pray that i can do it...again =_='''

goshhhh need inspiration! >.<