when we met....

when we meet those who are far more greater than us...we often go through stages of knowing and acceptance...yeap, i put it this way...just like stages of acceptance...

when we see that one person who is so much greater than us, we feel small...we want to be everything like them, we want to be everything but our own selves....

when we see how good they are that we often go through that kind of grieve...grieve and dwelling with our flaws...

we blame ourselves on how much not enough we are....we want to be like them, we want to strive like them, we want to be as fearless, as determine, as awesome as them...

when we encounter them, we wanna prove ourselves that we are good enough too, we dwell with wanna be nice to them and wanna kill them in the same time...

that can make anyone miserable, really...how can we envy and be kind to that one person at the same time? we are driving our brain crazy trying to stay sane with these facts...

really...just try and imagine...you cant love and hate one person at the same time...you either love them or hate them...there is no in between..you are torturing yourselves...

so i have come to calm this kinda situation down...so do i hate or do i love?

i have to choose, right? being in between is tiring...and miserable...really...

so how to stay with someone who is so much greater than us and still be fine with it? be fine with feeling small, be fine with feeling unworthy, be fine to say "yes, you're right?"....just how?

that is the questions i have been asking myself lately...

and how to even be fine with them being all bright and happy with what they are?

fuhhhh that's a lot...really...how to live with that? hahahha

i just have no idea...really...

denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance


but then, we have to come to the fifth stage sometime...we have to be there to be okay...

so its either, you really accept it....or you just accept it and dont wanna be a the same place forever...

so i have come to decision...to work hard...to be as good...to be as awesome...

so that i will know what they are talking about...

once, my teacher in high school used to ask me "Would you rather be with those who are less good than and learn nothing, or would you rather be with those who are so much greater than you and learn something?"

first choice is what we call comfortable zone, the second one, is when you grow up...

so this is me, facing another growing up in my life....

i have to fight this...i can, i know im great too...i know.

and i will get there too.

so stop feeling small sumy, you can do this....you can be bigger and strive too....

just that, will you be willing to accept that you're weak first? yes, you have to accept that then only you can work harder...because how could you work more when you think you already good enough?

nope...you cant...you have to accept that you have problem first to solve them...so its the same...
you have to accept that you're weak to be stronger...and that is the ugly truth that no one actually wanna face...to be miserable...

so, yes, im weak. and i have to get better....i have to be stronger...i have to be bigger than myself now...God...ease me through...ease me through...

have you ever been out of brain to think or act for your life?

i am at that stage that im out of brain on how to live my life...
money doesnt seem to be enough no matter how much i try to cut my usage...
things keep coming for me to just pay pay and pay...
no income whatsoever...
and im struggling to stay sane throughout this,,,and im certainly not a saint to stay fine 24/7...

im tired of being me from time to time...and this might be the most disgusting phase...

i just cant wait to pass all of these and have a better life...yeah talk like my life is so much in hell right now...someone is being ungrateful for her life...bear with me...

How to do this

one thing i dont like having is to have professional situation with my dear ones...because i tend to be serious and turn into a complete different person...and tht will make them hate me...for years of my existence...i have never been able to solve this problem just yet...
im 'bipolar' when it comes to jobs...and i just cant be funny or kidding in it...and when i try to...my results gone to hell all because i wanna be polite...
#sad #how #Godhelpme

i'm gonna write something a bit weird today

it's weird because it catches my respect....

i often heard, read or been through those people with hard times and lives and can make it to the top, so they know how to stay humble and respect other people...

but one more category that catching my attention are those who have everything since birth, been through every nearly perfect lives, have nearly perfect body, skin, family, friends and conducive environment and country, but....still make it to be such humble, kind, compassionate, and respectful person towards others...

this kind are rarely found...because we often heard about 'spoiled brat' , 'cool rich kids' and so on...

so when i encounter this kind of people...i often wonder how great the parents are...how great that they can actually teach the kids to be as humble and compassionate towards others...

i really wonder how.........

burnt out

at certain point of life...you will find yourselves associating with those who are so hard to deal with...
those who walk into the room and straightaway burn out all of your mental energy...
those who talks negative about themselves and spread all those energy to the whole room...
its none of your business to turn them into positive minded...but simply dont make yourselves take it in any of those negative thoughts...

simply live each day just to survive those people is really really burnt me out...

but sometimes, you just cant choose whom or what you wanna deal with...

i put myself here, God put me here or whatever reason it is...i have to survive this...

i have to accept that only me can make myself happier or less happy...only me...not them.

super confused

super confused by my own needs to please my tiredness and to please my hard work....

tht moment

tht moment when you already get used to failure compare to success...yeah tht moment...

it's okay..do it for yourself...

it's okay...your own self is already enough reason fro you to fight, to try and to strive more...
for yourself...is already enough....

that moment...

that moment when the selfish ones are tired...
and you just...you have no idea what i have been through just to have you in my life....

is there any way out of this?

is there any way out of this?

me being selfish and me wanting to be nice in this world...
is there any way out of this that can make everyone happy including myself?

phrak eii chuai che duai....

i'm sad because

i'm sad because i'm surrounded by people who running around searching for happiness but never once stay with their own selves....
i'm sad because everyone counts little things people do but never count giant things they've done....
i'm sad because all of my life i have known compassion but here it doesn't apply until you're useful...
i'm sad because people would rather be rude and seem strong than be kind and seem weak...
i'm sad because everyone here thinks they are special and deserve attention but no one actually give any back...
i'm sad because everything here is a race...not of success but of fame, attention, loves and status...
i'm sad because when i sit there and sad, or just said i'm sad...people will not even ask why...
i'm sad because i'm here thinking about this, on how to survive in such world but they are there living carelessly not thinking about anyone but themselves...
i'm that i'm this tired not because of studying but of people...
i'm sad that my life is hard this way...

is there any hope at all for people here?

is there any hope at all that they will ever change or at least any hope at all that i get less painful?

God...i'm sick...so sick...and i don't know what's the cure for it...

how

how to stay success when you're everything but happy?
how to stay focus and success anyway even when you're full with worries and sadness around your neck?
how to stay on the track? when there are millions of reason for you to not to?

how to empty this stupid endless thinking mind?

how to stop thinking about everything?

don't bother...

i don't even bother praying for the best anymore...
its like nothing is getting better...
i don't bother doing trying or even striving for better anymore....

yeah people said, everyone fails...everyone gets knocked down...

you haven't try my life yet...

i'm out of my time, out of my place and out of my reach here...

there is signs all over the place telling me to just freaking go home...

no matter how much i try...i seemed to be left out and can't catch up here...

i'm just too damn scared to try...because i scared of how much it won't be getting better later...
so i don't bother trying anymore...like seriously what for...it won't be good enough anyway...

people look at me and getting flattered when i don't know something...they want me to look dumb so bad...so yeah...so be it...i'm seriously dumb...going nowhere...can't you see i'm not your competition anymore, i'm not someone to look up at anymore...

study, finishing year, skripsi, bandung, arnes, lucnh, life, people, drama, weight, skin, body, dieting,
all of these...i feel too much...i feel it's too much for me to hold it in my hands...

nothing get easier i know...i know i should be positive...i know i should always try harder...do better....
but just...really...i'm tired.

Not in good shape

My life right now is not in good shape...
Anything anything anything at all can go wrong...anything can happen and nothing seems to make sense...

Its no joke how hard it can get sometimes...no joke...
And im surrounded by those who are not wasy to deal with either...well we are humans...who can be simple and easy to deal with?
But instead of looking at this as a bless...i look at it a curse..a freaking curse...

I resent those who doesnt make my life easier...i have a life a living a survive to fight for and for few people they can make it harder to breathe for me...

Im depressed and i dont know where to start or what to do anymore...

My brain has slowly giving up and panicking...

I dont know who i can talk to...to set my brain at ease...

No one here capable of listening to this...no one here can understand this...and its none of their fault...none.

Im so sick...and feel dreadful...im gonna resent every single person here...
Because my life is hard...and they never try to make it easier...

I cant seem to be complaining because this is so goddamn simple thing for them...

I sometime cant even affort my own lunch...and thry expect me to give them so much...

God...i will never know how i deserve this...i wont...im stupid...but God...can you make it easier for me?

How am i suppose to live in the same environment for another 2 years? Im sick of myself tht stuck in this situation again and again...
Everyday i ended up stressing about how bad my life is instead of make it better...

Im so stupid God...and all i have been doing is waiting for someone to safe me from this...for people to get better...and why i cant seem to adapt to them? Adapt to their nature behaviour? Why its so hard for me??

God...i wish i can get out from this...and stay in present...

Everything seems so hard...so freaking difficult to deal with each day...

I know i should be glad...but seriously...how to have tht heart? How to get back? How to be positive in all these mess i get myself into?

Gosh i freaking hate my life right now...hate it